myblacksorrow

okay
It’s open

i'm going to knock answer.
i'm not opening your door.

Fine.

[ Good.

That's exactly how it should be. He knocks on the door, Ivan opens it, and he gives him the shirt, then it's done. Wait! Would it have been better if he had opened the door and tossed the shirt in instead? Too late now. He leaves his room, and after a couple of paces, he stands at Ivan's door before knocking. ]

[ Ivan was laying on top of his bed, but he guesses he's getting up now. When Till knocks, Ivan opens the door. It's the expected protocol. The door was pulled open and Ivan stood there, shirtless and blank-faced. Strangely, it's almost reminisce of how Till left him. In this case, the misting of moistness over his skin and hair made it look like he just came from working out, or the shower.

What he doesn't do is reach out for the shirt. ]

[ While he could attempt to guess the reason behind Ivan's current state of half undress or the dewy glow of his skin, Till decides it is better to avert his gaze and forget about it. He holds out the shirt with one hand for Ivan to take. Conversation is also best left out of this. It's a return of an item; they don't need to speak to complete this exchange, his intention has already been conveyed.

He now needs Ivan to take his shirt back. Then why isn't he taking it? ]

[ How long Ivan stands there not taking the shirt is torture. The man's dark eyes remain on Till, not even glancing at the shirt.

And then, after what seems like an eternity, he takes it and throws it behind him without breaking eye contact. ]

[ This is reaching extreme levels of awkwardness. It's as if being cast under Sua's gaze. Don't do that to him! Take the damn shirt! And if Ivan had not snatched it out of his grasp, Till would have tossed it in and made a break for it. Instead, Ivan finally takes his shirt... and does exactly as Till had entertained. The sigh of relief is cut short as Till almost chokes on air when Ivan ends up throwing the shirt.

The fuck?!

He drops his gaze to their feet. ] You have your shirt. [ So bye. ]

[ Was that really it, he asks himself. Would Till really walk away after that? Till always did this. They fought, parted, and then Till said something arbitrary that lead to them acting like nothing happened. The situation was always awkward. They couldn't and wouldn't talk about the situation, merely brush past it. Ivan's understanding was too low to know what to do about Till's avoidant nature.]

Have you eaten?

[ With the way Ivan stood in the door, there was apace for Till to walk in if he wanted, but Ivan doubted that he would. ]

[ Before he can turn to leave, there is a question for him to answer. Food is the last thing on his mind, but now he has to think about when he last ate. It was? Earlier? Something like that. This is the kind of question that leads to a follow-up. There will be an invitation to share a meal. Maybe? He could be honest, say he hasn't recently, probably. He is forthright about his appetite. ]

I'm not hungry.

[ Being shut down out the gate. That would have been painful if he had feelings. Ivan nods slowly, rubbing his neck. There wasn't much else he could think to say, so he left it at that, remaining in the doorway. He would be there until the moment he was sure Till was going into his room and the door closes. Until then, he stood there, looking at the walls, the floors, anything that would take his attention. ]

Okay.

Yeah.

[ This is devolving into the least intelligent conversation they have ever shared, which is still ten billion percent better than some of their past discussions... ugh ten billion percent. That's still fucking weird. Wait. Why are they just standing out here? Ivan should go back into his room, return to that space, and shut the door; then Till can do the same. He can lock himself away within the confines of his suite. It's his place, alone, because isn't that how it will be? ]

Have you eaten?

No.

[ It wasn't unusual, but Ivan was sure Till has never once paid attention to Ivan's schedule. Back in the garden, Ivan usually skipped the midday meal to find Till. Now he was just upholding certain routines just for the sense of familiarity. None of it mattered. He wasn't striving to a purpose or goal. This was the way his life had always been like. There was no reason to change it until something came along to take his attention

With Till having left him alone for so long, it was easier to fall back into other routines than sit around and do nothing. ]

Okay.

[ That's the riveting response from an artistic genius; Till does finally lift his gaze to meet Ivan's. The answer makes sense if he takes into account his earlier assumption. There had been an invitation planned had he responded differently, right? That's what it was going to be? Or was Ivan going to give him a lesson about the human body needing proper nutrition and care, as well as advising him to take care of his appetite... ]

Shouldn't you eat? Don't you move around a lot and stuff?

I do.

[ It was suggested usually for pets who move around to be given ample food and water afterward. Ivan, however, would do what he could get away with. There were many reasons he couldn't speak to Till about all the problems percolating in his head. He was contending with his own fears and the end of his mortality being extended, and what they meant to him. The routine quieted the whispers in the back of his head, but meals did not. ]

So?

Go eat.

[ That's the so! Why else would he mention anything to do with Ivan's typical routine? He requires proper nutrition and care. Did he misread the situation? Was he supposed to interpret Ivan's words differently? Perhaps this was Ivan's way of requesting aid in obtaining a meal? Did he run out of vouchers? Did he need chips? Till could give him both. ]

I'm not hungry.

[ Throwing the same response back to Till was so amusing, he had to fight with himself not to smile. If Till had accepted in the first place, they wouldn't be going around in circles like this. Except now, Till was pressuring him to take care of himself. It was cute in a way. Every time Till wanting to reopen communication, it was always so stilted and awkward. Like he didn't know how to proceed.

It could be so easy. There were so many things Ivan could say, but if Till couldn't understand them, then they were pointless. ]

Do you want to come inside?

[ Then why the fuck did Ivan ask him if he had eaten earlier? He thought he had that figured out, but apparently, he knows nothing. Shit! It's time to start from nothing in his attempt to figure out this entire conversation. It's so frustrating! It's stupid! What was the point of that question? Clenching his hands into fists, he pauses a moment and rethinks this situation. Hadn't he just come out here to deliver a shirt? That was done. The next question prompts Till to look at Ivan in bewilderment. ]

To pick up your shirt. Why did you throw it?

I threw it because it wasn't important.

[ He can be honest. There was no point in lying about the importance of a shirt he was originally going to tell Till to keep. It brought them back together, and that was it's only mission as far as he was concerned. With a job well done, it can lay there until he decides to figure out the laundry thing later. Then again, Till did wear it. Did Ivan WANT to wash that out? Things to think about later. ]

[ Not important? Either Ivan found a way to get infinite clothing vouchers or he has somehow gathered a lot of chips. Till spends a good while trying to decide which scenario is more likely and the latter he decides is probably the answer. He knew a guy like an Ivan would be popular but he didn’t know he would be that popular. Then what is he doing here? And what is Ivan thinking? He isn’t struggling by any means. Hadn’t he proven that? Or was Ivan trying to repay him for his initial assistance in obtaining meals?

There is still a question that remains unanswered. Instead of finally giving Ivan a definite reply Till makes another inquiry. This one relevant and directly tied to whether or not he wants to enter Ivan’s room. ]

Don’t you want someone else in there with you? Your lover?

[ Ivan stared at him, mildly at a loss for words over the accusation. Has Till ever known him to do that sort of thing with people? Especially after seeing how little of his card he even did during the cruise thing. No, he would have to explain this, he thinks. He couldn’t understand why this was suddenly being asked, but he will go along with it. ]

I don’t have a lover. Esikko was sick on the cruise and I helped take care of him. In exchange he had sex with me either out of pity when he saw my empty card or as payment for helping him. Also, he lives on a higher floor and does that sort of thing with a lot of people. I’m not even sure we’re friends, much less whatever else you’re thinking.

[ Why was Till thinking of Ivan having a lover? Did he want him to move on and leave him alone? ]

[ It’s a genuine question rather than an accusation. A simple answer would suffice. Yes or no. That wasn’t an invitation for details. It’s why he had been scant on information. The bingo card had proven him capable and that was all that was necessary. He wouldn’t tell Ivan everything that happened and much less with who. Yet here is Ivan prattling away, and despite everything said Till looks baffled. He understands nothing.

Should he assume Ivan’s uncertainty about whether he made a friend out of that guy to mean he has a desire for that bond with him? He guesses that Esikko guy isn’t a loser then unlike… ]

Isn’t that how it works? You kiss and you’re lovers.

But I get it. You told me once. But I’m not loser. I never was. And I’m not that other thing…

[ So there. ]

If it worked that way, wouldn't we already be lovers?

[ Ivan had to point out the obvious fact in what Till said. It wasn't the first time he mentioned the kiss, but it was the first time he so blatantly referred to it. There was no point in lingering for the answer to that. He was well aware of Till's feelings toward him, but the resurfacing of that thing he said when he was no older than 8 confused him deeply. Did it hurt him that deeply? ]

You never said you wanted to be my friend, Till. You never said you wanted to be anything.

[ He should have taken a long deep breath when he found himself at the bottom of that cruise pool. Not that it would have meant anything in the long run since nothing stays dead here. And Ivan is wasting his second chance speaking to him when he could be doing something pleasant, something he likes. Or perhaps it’s resentment that makes him linger? If he sheds enough tears, if he bleeds enough would that be satisfactory? Should he hurt?

The reference to their last moments together would suggest he is correct about assuming it’s resentment that draws Ivan to him. Lowering his gaze and biting his lower lip Till doesn’t have an answer. He doesn’t fully comprehend how that works. Instead, he focuses on that fact that Ivan left him and with his parting Till is alone. ]

I don’t know.

[ Besides, who would want something like that? Is Ivan upset? Are all his choices hated? Is he hated? It would be deserved. ]

And weren’t we? I thought I was yours.

[ 'I don't know' is a little more than he actually expected Till to respond with. Not wanting to push it, he doesn't say more about the lover thing. If Till had been hanging on to that altercation from when they were children, that must have meant that not being called his friend hurt more than Ivan thought. Sure, being hit back then was already confusing. If it upset him, why didn't he just say something?

How much had he hurt Till without knowing it? ]

I wanted to be. You never gave me the chance to be.

[ It was hard. Ivan barely understood his own before he resorted to locking them all away. Till's was indecipherable. Did he hate him? Did he prefer his solitude? Had Ivan's presence ever mattered? ]

I stayed with you even when you wouldn't call me your friend.

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