[ Comfort is odd and not something Till would readily provide. Hesitation is always present—a few seconds that could change the course of any interaction. Awareness would not change his habits, not when consoling someone also includes opening himself up, pulling at strings that wind and keep him together. He doesn't want to hurt and come apart. Yet slowly, it feels as if he is prying himself open. Not violently, not forced to face reality. It's gradual, careful tugs at threads.
There comes acknowledgment from Ivan. A confirmation that he is a strange man. That's not something that needs to be said. They're both aware. That's not the message he wants Ivan to recall. It's the other part. Ivan's oddities are not bad; he isn't bad, but maybe he is frustrating and annoying. And Till is more confused by him than entirely upset. ]
Oh.
I said that.
[ The reference to Ivan's death was not intended to be cruel or a jab at him. Till is slow to realize that what he sees as an observation could be perceived differently by someone else. In this case, Ivan had been hurt. Maybe he shouldn't have called him troublesome following that. However, for the first time in his life, someone who had departed the world of the living continues to cause difficulties for him. Is it bad? Has Ivan forgotten that he also told him not to leave him? Despite being a troublesome man, Till still wants him? Needs him? He can't exactly tell Ivan what to do with his second life, when Till hardly knows what to do about his first. ]
I don't know what you should do.
Is there anything you should do? I don't think you have to do anything. But you're alive now, and isn't being alive here better? I know this place is weird and shit, but you can do what you want. And that means you don't even have to think about your decision, and if you don't want to learn, then don't. But if you then you know. This place is an opportunity for you. We were pets, but you don't have to be that anymore. Just be Ivan. Or if you don't want to be Ivan, call yourself something different.
But yeah, this is difficult. I get it.
It's not like a change of environment will make someone different. You have to decide what you want on your own. Because it should come from you! But whatever you choose, then I'll help. Yeah. But if you don't, then that's fine. It's not wasting the opportunity even if you do nothing because it's still something you decided.
[ He hopes any of that made sense. It makes sense to Till in his head. It was also better scripted in his mind, but he didn't have time to rewrite it down and go through a few drafts, so forgive him. ]
[ He said with possibly the first hint of amusement of the night. It was rare for Till to talk so much at once. Even when they were alone, he can't remember a time that Till has said so much to him. Their time together was always quiet. They were always together, but Ivan really couldn't call them close in the ways other people were close. That was the fact he always reflected on when they were apart due to whatever argument they were having.
They were different people with very different views.
For instance, he didn't if being alive anywhere was better. All of Ivan's life had been lived through the desire to survive, yet the closer to everything they got, the less he believed that he truly wanted that. Hadn't he already been living as if he wanted to escape the darkness his life had been consumed by? It wasn't about Till or anything else specific, just the eternal recognition that he lived for nothing, but dying did give it meaning.
And now it too meant nothing. ]
I can't do nothing. I don't think any of us can do nothing. If anything happens that you can help with, I will consider it.
[ Clumsy words that were giving voice to thought without any revisions were meant to mend his mistake—an offering. Considering that, perhaps it was a bit macabre to lay upon Ivan a bouquet composed of an unfiltered reflection. Yet, contrary to what he hears, it feels as if he must mend this. Pinpointing reasoning is another matter. Does he bear more responsibility between the two of them? Is it gratitude despite his agony of winning? Or maybe it is his selfish need to find closure?
But closure isn't what he is seeking. Not when he implored directly that he isn't left alone. What he wants is comprehension. Mutual understanding. However, the gap may be too broad. Or is he wrong? Does he only seek Ivan himself? Could this be his only path to atonement? That would explain his earlier actions, which led him to guide Ivan's hands to his neck.
Physical wounds are easier to treat. Or ignore.
Till doesn't speak up immediately; instead, he continues to brush at Ivan's hair, and he continues to hold him close despite the amusement in his tone. Were his words so ridiculous? Perhaps they made no sense at all. He is reminded that he isn't all that clever. It should have gone differently. ]
I've done nothing.
[ Nothing but drown in his own thoughts. He wouldn't recommend it. But it is possible to do nothing. Or is that a part of a difference in experience? As far as he is aware, Ivan has never been bound without light or sound. That's a good place to think. ]
Are you rejecting my other offer?
At least keep your promise, or I won't forgive you.
You've done a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I've been relying on you too much.
[ How many times the thought turned over in his head. How long had he been there? Other than what they participated in on the crise, Ivan finds he almost never bothers to integrate. How many times has he spoken to Hiyori, only for the other idol to be cemented as 'the one Till knows' in his head? Every night is spent thinking about Till or being with him as if they were still in Anakt, waiting for the guardians to come and take them away.
Shouldn't Ivan's pitiful self also attempt to become 'someone'? ]
I'm not rejecting you; I'm expressing caution and time.
[ They were still learning, both about intimacy and humanity. There were many things they were facing together, and growth was necessary on both of their parts. Ivan couldn't imagine doing anything without Till, but he also knows that his presence was really just something that drags Till down. If Till wanted to be dragged down, Ivan wouldn't stop him, so long as it didn't mean Till stopped 'living among humanity'. ]
I've ended up learning a lot of things I didn't already know. For a long time I was convinced you wouldn't care if I disappeared, because I knew you only looked happy when Mizi was there. Now I have to 'live' with all of those thoughts being wrong.
You aren't offering because you 'pity' me.
[ That was probably the heaviest thing he would have to get used to. He didn't need to keep trying to carve away at Till. He's already made his mark, Ivan just has to see it for what it is. That alone would take him time to get used to. ]
So I mean it for all of it. I want to help each other out. Learning how to 'move on' here will take time, and it will be easier if we help each other learn.. and do, too.
[ And what exactly has he done? He wants to know what he has done for Ivan to deem it to be a lot. He hasn't done shit. It's not enough. Or is this Ivan's way of conveying that he does not want him? That sounds like rejection. Only it's packaged neatly in an attempt to keep his temper at bay, but he already said he was exhausted. There was no need. Is he only becoming more of a burden? That's all he's been, right? And why was he deemed to give mixed signals, all the while Ivan says such contrary things? He doesn't want him to vanish, and at the same time, he doesn't want him. That's fine. He understands the latter.
Are all of Ivan's words an attempt to smoothly lighten the load? There is no reason for kindness. When have Ivan's words been kind to him? Or is this the different Ivan? He hasn't finished comprehending the first; he doesn't understand Ivan in death either. All he is left to ponder is whether he has limited value and that value is in the comfort he is giving.
That too could lose its worth.
But Ivan isn't Ivan anymore. The change is so glaringly obvious that he cannot deny it. He can't hide the sun with his hand, just like he cannot deny this fact. What he can do is continue to ignore it even while being aware that it would gradually become impossible. That annoying guy who followed him around is gone; at least he won't have to complain to their teachers anymore. And he can be alone. There won't be a someone to reject a someone like him. ]
I wasn't only happy then. Did you really look at me, or listen to anything I ever said?
But if you want to move on, I will do that. It's the least I can do, right?
[ When Till says it, it doesn't sound the same as when Ivan says it. When Ivan said it, to him, it meant moving forward without the Segyein or the garden. It was learning to live as they were. They way it sounded when Till said it felt like making everything end, and he didn't like the way that felt in the pit of his stomach.
Ivan moves his head to look at Till, wondering about these questions and the way everything sounded. Did he look at him and listen to him? All the time. Ivan can't imagine anyone else looking at Till more than him. It didn't mean he understood. It didn't mean he could peer into his heart or his mind. Everything he saw was tinted pink when it came to Till. How could he think anything was cast in shadow for him? ]
It's hard for me to understand feelings. [ He says quietly, closing his eyes. Hasn't that been what all of this mounted to? ] So if you can't tell me directly, the meaning might get lost.
[ Ivan paused, considering his next words. ]
Do what it is you want to do, or think is best. I don't think my words are coming out the way I want them to.
[ Temporary resistance comes from Till; unable to let go, but he also knows he cannot keep Ivan in his hold or force the comfort he is willing to pour out. He cannot thrust that sensation into another person without it warping into something hideous. Once Ivan pulls back, he can only let his hands drop at his sides and meet his gaze. Till does not avoid it. Has he ever? He doesn't recall making a conscious effort to evade meeting Ivan's eyes. Instead, he is now trying to look at him. See him. More than anything, trying to comprehend Ivan, where he has failed before. It's a matter of communication, and Ivan's expression doesn't betray anything new. It's the same information he has had to work with all these years. It's close to nothing.
Yet Ivan's face isn't always a mask of cool tranquility. He has seen it change. He has seen him smile, even when the expression was inappropriate for the occasion. Their physical altercations should not have garnered such an expression, and yet that's what he saw mirror his frustration.
What did it mean? Is that why his anger and exasperation were never understood? ]
But you knew when I was angry.
[ Those feelings were never hidden. They were out in the open in all their ugliness for all to see. How much more direct can he be when rage made him boil? He never simmered quietly. It all exploded outward. Then what is he supposed to say now? Express all the times he's been upset? Is Ivan as poor at measuring his words as he is? ]
You said you want to move on. Moving on means to forget everything and not look back. I am a part of that. And I said I would accept that.
We fight a lot. When you leave or stop talking to me, I realize that something went wrong, but most of the time it's hard to know what that was.
[ So no, sometimes it was difficult to know when he was actually mad or just being the way he is. Ivan pokes and prods, Till gets mad. It's how things always are, but what things specifically makes Till mad was a mystery to him. He had decided before that he should be nicer to Till, yet he somehow still made the other mad.
The explanation from Till cemented it. The way Till hears his words aren't the way that Ivan means them. Ivan lacks warmth. Understanding. Why did it still feel like he lacked 'humanity' when everything constantly hurt? Blinking slowly at Till, he took a short breath and tried to figure out how to fix this. ]
When I said it, I meant something different. I don't want to forget the past or let it go. I want it to become a part of us as we move forward into the future instead. We aren't there anymore. We're here. That's what we have to figure out. Where do we fit in this new place...
[ His eyes closed, going back to resting against him. He could imagine that the lack of use was also getting to Till, but there was very little they could do with their skills that others couldn't. They had to become a part of this place, like they did Anakt. ]
[ No sooner than that question gets past Till's lips than he realizes just how stupid it must sound when it even rings idiotic in his ears. Till knows he is a moron; however, he doesn't lack awareness. The obvious is clear. He knows the reason why Ivan never asks why he becomes upset, why they fight. Previously, there was an assumption that Ivan understood (to a degree). That's one problem. Assumptions. The confession that Ivan had difficulties processing feelings recontextualizes previous interactions. Not enough to explain every misunderstanding or mistranslation of words. But it is a start. However, this doesn't prompt Till to give any explanations. That would take a long time; he can't say his memory of events would be entirely reliable when he is the narrator of his own story. His perspective could warp the truth. And it could hurt. They're mending, but does that mean opening up old wounds?
They could start now.
He also knows Ivan never had an opportunity to ask. Would he have? When Till is quick to anger and react, there is never an opportunity to smooth out misconceptions and erroneous interpretations. Till was always left to formulate a reason for intent alone, even when willing to give Ivan the benefit of the doubt; something hurtful followed. And that's what he tries to avoid. ]
I suggested I could stay before. You only asked why.
Can't you want me to stay, like I don't want you to leave me? Then I won't have to think about there and maybe I can focus on a future here instead? Otherwise, why would I think about here? Why would I spend time fitting into this?
[ Once again, Ivan is close to him, and like before, he envelopes him in his arms. He holds him close. He caresses his hair. He may not be pouring what there is left of himself into song, but he can spill it into comfort. This is something? It gives him some kind of meaning? Maybe? He isn't entirely sure, but Ivan appears to enjoy it, and he can't say he hates it. It feels almost nostalgic, warm, despite the bubbling distress of their conversation. ]
Because you go away. and we stop talking when you get mad. When you come back, you never say anything was wrong.
[ There was only a moment of thought after that. ]
I should have asked.
[ How do you ask when you aren't even entirely sure anything was wrong, and sometimes the answers you get are flippant or never come? Ivan, though, was mean. He knew that. He had been trying to improve that, but now he thinks he's maybe gone into being too cold. Trying to figure out the way to handle these things ended up being a lot of trial and error. ]
...
[ It wasn't the first time he's been asked why he doesn't have 'desires' of his own. It's been a downfall of his for a long time. Even the Segyein thought his lack of desire and drive was a hindrance. It followed him here as well. Till wasn't the only one to ask him why. Now he had to think about his answer. It was never that he didn't want him to be here. ]
Stay. We can both be alive here.
[ It wasn't up to them. Hiyori told him about death and the statues and all of the weird stuff that had no explanation. That talk with Hiyori was only a few days ago, and it gave him perspective on things he hadn't thought about. ]
I want to hear about the friends you make and the people who upset you. Let's live here.
[ A sigh escapes past Till's lips. It's true, realization comes swiftly, and Ivan's words only confirm how foolish his question was. Upset he doesn't clam up, instead his words turn ugly, and what follows is distance. He creates that divide, an impulsive reaction from fear. It's a time to mend his wounds, and he easily hurts and bleeds. When he comes back, he doesn't want to pick at scars; he lets them heal over all wrong. Even now, fright is present. Isn't that why his heart is beating all too swiftly? The door isn't far; however, he doesn't want to let go. That's also something to fear.
And yet, Ivan still says he should have asked, even when they're both aware Till never gave him the chance. He is fleeing, hiding, and diving into distractions. His room is filled with them. Pencil on paper, over and over again. Images that pour thoughts into reality. Letters cascading onto sheets strung into words that give a defined meaning to his torrid emotions. ]
I shouldn't hide.
[ He cannot detach himself from reality for all eternity. There is no living if a person becomes divorced from the world around them, and he knows that's something he engages in too often. However, that's a change that cannot happen overnight. There is that need, that serenity and stillness that comes from that fabricated existence. ]
I want to try that. Living with you.
[ His hand falls to Ivan's shoulder, grip tightening enough to draw his attention. ]
[ With the touch to his shoulder, Ivan looked up again, opening his eyes and looking at Till. Ivan wasn't blaming Till for his reaction. If he never brought up, that much mean he didn't might, right? Being around Till was painful, yes, but that was a life behind him. He had figured out how to live with all of Till's shortcomings. They were friends now. It was going to be impossible to fix everything about themselves, but they could still be friends.
They both were choosing to live here, so they were also choosing to participate in what being here meant. Ivan wasn't going to bring it up in any fashion. There was no need. Till wanted to try, so they both would try. They both would do their best to live without the segyein and their oppression.
But for right now, he wanted to focus on what Till was going to say.]
[ No words follow when he calls Ivan's name, nor when their eyes meet. Till takes this opportunity to look at Ivan's face again in a search for some meaning. It's futile as always, but this time failure isn't accompanied by disappointment. They would have time now. In Anakt Garden, time was a limited commodity, and he had failed to utilize it effectively. All those moments spent together in silence during each session of mandatory playtime could have been used to gain perspective, comprehension, but too hurt Till wanted to be lost. Briefly, he considers that maybe this could be the same. The difference is that he is pulling at the threads binding him together; a misstep means pain would follow.
This is supposed to be trust?
If the wound becomes too deep, unbearable, he can always go back. That may not mend things, but he can escape reality once more, or maybe he can hold on to it tighter—that other reality. The one that has an obvious conclusion in its future. Till will let it hurt a little, enough, because they are both deserving of an opportunity to know something different; however, that requires him to take a chance on this. Ivan is striving forward; he can do the same.
His hand remains where it's at, his grip still firm, and his eyes continue to study Ivan's features. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
There comes acknowledgment from Ivan. A confirmation that he is a strange man. That's not something that needs to be said. They're both aware. That's not the message he wants Ivan to recall. It's the other part. Ivan's oddities are not bad; he isn't bad, but maybe he is frustrating and annoying. And Till is more confused by him than entirely upset. ]
Oh.
I said that.
[ The reference to Ivan's death was not intended to be cruel or a jab at him. Till is slow to realize that what he sees as an observation could be perceived differently by someone else. In this case, Ivan had been hurt. Maybe he shouldn't have called him troublesome following that. However, for the first time in his life, someone who had departed the world of the living continues to cause difficulties for him. Is it bad? Has Ivan forgotten that he also told him not to leave him? Despite being a troublesome man, Till still wants him? Needs him? He can't exactly tell Ivan what to do with his second life, when Till hardly knows what to do about his first. ]
I don't know what you should do.
Is there anything you should do? I don't think you have to do anything. But you're alive now, and isn't being alive here better? I know this place is weird and shit, but you can do what you want. And that means you don't even have to think about your decision, and if you don't want to learn, then don't. But if you then you know. This place is an opportunity for you. We were pets, but you don't have to be that anymore. Just be Ivan. Or if you don't want to be Ivan, call yourself something different.
But yeah, this is difficult. I get it.
It's not like a change of environment will make someone different. You have to decide what you want on your own. Because it should come from you! But whatever you choose, then I'll help. Yeah. But if you don't, then that's fine. It's not wasting the opportunity even if you do nothing because it's still something you decided.
[ He hopes any of that made sense. It makes sense to Till in his head. It was also better scripted in his mind, but he didn't have time to rewrite it down and go through a few drafts, so forgive him. ]
no subject
[ He said with possibly the first hint of amusement of the night. It was rare for Till to talk so much at once. Even when they were alone, he can't remember a time that Till has said so much to him. Their time together was always quiet. They were always together, but Ivan really couldn't call them close in the ways other people were close. That was the fact he always reflected on when they were apart due to whatever argument they were having.
They were different people with very different views.
For instance, he didn't if being alive anywhere was better. All of Ivan's life had been lived through the desire to survive, yet the closer to everything they got, the less he believed that he truly wanted that. Hadn't he already been living as if he wanted to escape the darkness his life had been consumed by? It wasn't about Till or anything else specific, just the eternal recognition that he lived for nothing, but dying did give it meaning.
And now it too meant nothing. ]
I can't do nothing. I don't think any of us can do nothing. If anything happens that you can help with, I will consider it.
no subject
But closure isn't what he is seeking. Not when he implored directly that he isn't left alone. What he wants is comprehension. Mutual understanding. However, the gap may be too broad. Or is he wrong? Does he only seek Ivan himself? Could this be his only path to atonement? That would explain his earlier actions, which led him to guide Ivan's hands to his neck.
Physical wounds are easier to treat. Or ignore.
Till doesn't speak up immediately; instead, he continues to brush at Ivan's hair, and he continues to hold him close despite the amusement in his tone. Were his words so ridiculous? Perhaps they made no sense at all. He is reminded that he isn't all that clever. It should have gone differently. ]
I've done nothing.
[ Nothing but drown in his own thoughts. He wouldn't recommend it. But it is possible to do nothing. Or is that a part of a difference in experience? As far as he is aware, Ivan has never been bound without light or sound. That's a good place to think. ]
Are you rejecting my other offer?
At least keep your promise, or I won't forgive you.
no subject
[ How many times the thought turned over in his head. How long had he been there? Other than what they participated in on the crise, Ivan finds he almost never bothers to integrate. How many times has he spoken to Hiyori, only for the other idol to be cemented as 'the one Till knows' in his head? Every night is spent thinking about Till or being with him as if they were still in Anakt, waiting for the guardians to come and take them away.
Shouldn't Ivan's pitiful self also attempt to become 'someone'? ]
I'm not rejecting you; I'm expressing caution and time.
[ They were still learning, both about intimacy and humanity. There were many things they were facing together, and growth was necessary on both of their parts. Ivan couldn't imagine doing anything without Till, but he also knows that his presence was really just something that drags Till down. If Till wanted to be dragged down, Ivan wouldn't stop him, so long as it didn't mean Till stopped 'living among humanity'. ]
I've ended up learning a lot of things I didn't already know. For a long time I was convinced you wouldn't care if I disappeared, because I knew you only looked happy when Mizi was there. Now I have to 'live' with all of those thoughts being wrong.
You aren't offering because you 'pity' me.
[ That was probably the heaviest thing he would have to get used to. He didn't need to keep trying to carve away at Till. He's already made his mark, Ivan just has to see it for what it is. That alone would take him time to get used to. ]
So I mean it for all of it. I want to help each other out. Learning how to 'move on' here will take time, and it will be easier if we help each other learn.. and do, too.
no subject
Are all of Ivan's words an attempt to smoothly lighten the load? There is no reason for kindness. When have Ivan's words been kind to him? Or is this the different Ivan? He hasn't finished comprehending the first; he doesn't understand Ivan in death either. All he is left to ponder is whether he has limited value and that value is in the comfort he is giving.
That too could lose its worth.
But Ivan isn't Ivan anymore. The change is so glaringly obvious that he cannot deny it. He can't hide the sun with his hand, just like he cannot deny this fact. What he can do is continue to ignore it even while being aware that it would gradually become impossible. That annoying guy who followed him around is gone; at least he won't have to complain to their teachers anymore. And he can be alone. There won't be a someone to reject a someone like him. ]
I wasn't only happy then. Did you really look at me, or listen to anything I ever said?
But if you want to move on, I will do that. It's the least I can do, right?
no subject
Ivan moves his head to look at Till, wondering about these questions and the way everything sounded. Did he look at him and listen to him? All the time. Ivan can't imagine anyone else looking at Till more than him. It didn't mean he understood. It didn't mean he could peer into his heart or his mind. Everything he saw was tinted pink when it came to Till. How could he think anything was cast in shadow for him? ]
It's hard for me to understand feelings. [ He says quietly, closing his eyes. Hasn't that been what all of this mounted to? ] So if you can't tell me directly, the meaning might get lost.
[ Ivan paused, considering his next words. ]
Do what it is you want to do, or think is best. I don't think my words are coming out the way I want them to.
no subject
Yet Ivan's face isn't always a mask of cool tranquility. He has seen it change. He has seen him smile, even when the expression was inappropriate for the occasion. Their physical altercations should not have garnered such an expression, and yet that's what he saw mirror his frustration.
What did it mean? Is that why his anger and exasperation were never understood? ]
But you knew when I was angry.
[ Those feelings were never hidden. They were out in the open in all their ugliness for all to see. How much more direct can he be when rage made him boil? He never simmered quietly. It all exploded outward. Then what is he supposed to say now? Express all the times he's been upset? Is Ivan as poor at measuring his words as he is? ]
You said you want to move on. Moving on means to forget everything and not look back. I am a part of that. And I said I would accept that.
no subject
[ So no, sometimes it was difficult to know when he was actually mad or just being the way he is. Ivan pokes and prods, Till gets mad. It's how things always are, but what things specifically makes Till mad was a mystery to him. He had decided before that he should be nicer to Till, yet he somehow still made the other mad.
The explanation from Till cemented it. The way Till hears his words aren't the way that Ivan means them. Ivan lacks warmth. Understanding. Why did it still feel like he lacked 'humanity' when everything constantly hurt? Blinking slowly at Till, he took a short breath and tried to figure out how to fix this. ]
When I said it, I meant something different. I don't want to forget the past or let it go. I want it to become a part of us as we move forward into the future instead. We aren't there anymore. We're here. That's what we have to figure out. Where do we fit in this new place...
[ His eyes closed, going back to resting against him. He could imagine that the lack of use was also getting to Till, but there was very little they could do with their skills that others couldn't. They had to become a part of this place, like they did Anakt. ]
no subject
[ No sooner than that question gets past Till's lips than he realizes just how stupid it must sound when it even rings idiotic in his ears. Till knows he is a moron; however, he doesn't lack awareness. The obvious is clear. He knows the reason why Ivan never asks why he becomes upset, why they fight. Previously, there was an assumption that Ivan understood (to a degree). That's one problem. Assumptions. The confession that Ivan had difficulties processing feelings recontextualizes previous interactions. Not enough to explain every misunderstanding or mistranslation of words. But it is a start. However, this doesn't prompt Till to give any explanations. That would take a long time; he can't say his memory of events would be entirely reliable when he is the narrator of his own story. His perspective could warp the truth. And it could hurt. They're mending, but does that mean opening up old wounds?
They could start now.
He also knows Ivan never had an opportunity to ask. Would he have? When Till is quick to anger and react, there is never an opportunity to smooth out misconceptions and erroneous interpretations. Till was always left to formulate a reason for intent alone, even when willing to give Ivan the benefit of the doubt; something hurtful followed. And that's what he tries to avoid. ]
I suggested I could stay before. You only asked why.
Can't you want me to stay, like I don't want you to leave me? Then I won't have to think about there and maybe I can focus on a future here instead? Otherwise, why would I think about here? Why would I spend time fitting into this?
[ Once again, Ivan is close to him, and like before, he envelopes him in his arms. He holds him close. He caresses his hair. He may not be pouring what there is left of himself into song, but he can spill it into comfort. This is something? It gives him some kind of meaning? Maybe? He isn't entirely sure, but Ivan appears to enjoy it, and he can't say he hates it. It feels almost nostalgic, warm, despite the bubbling distress of their conversation. ]
no subject
[ There was only a moment of thought after that. ]
I should have asked.
[ How do you ask when you aren't even entirely sure anything was wrong, and sometimes the answers you get are flippant or never come? Ivan, though, was mean. He knew that. He had been trying to improve that, but now he thinks he's maybe gone into being too cold. Trying to figure out the way to handle these things ended up being a lot of trial and error. ]
...
[ It wasn't the first time he's been asked why he doesn't have 'desires' of his own. It's been a downfall of his for a long time. Even the Segyein thought his lack of desire and drive was a hindrance. It followed him here as well. Till wasn't the only one to ask him why. Now he had to think about his answer. It was never that he didn't want him to be here. ]
Stay. We can both be alive here.
[ It wasn't up to them. Hiyori told him about death and the statues and all of the weird stuff that had no explanation. That talk with Hiyori was only a few days ago, and it gave him perspective on things he hadn't thought about. ]
I want to hear about the friends you make and the people who upset you. Let's live here.
no subject
And yet, Ivan still says he should have asked, even when they're both aware Till never gave him the chance. He is fleeing, hiding, and diving into distractions. His room is filled with them. Pencil on paper, over and over again. Images that pour thoughts into reality. Letters cascading onto sheets strung into words that give a defined meaning to his torrid emotions. ]
I shouldn't hide.
[ He cannot detach himself from reality for all eternity. There is no living if a person becomes divorced from the world around them, and he knows that's something he engages in too often. However, that's a change that cannot happen overnight. There is that need, that serenity and stillness that comes from that fabricated existence. ]
I want to try that. Living with you.
[ His hand falls to Ivan's shoulder, grip tightening enough to draw his attention. ]
Ivan.
no subject
They both were choosing to live here, so they were also choosing to participate in what being here meant. Ivan wasn't going to bring it up in any fashion. There was no need. Till wanted to try, so they both would try. They both would do their best to live without the segyein and their oppression.
But for right now, he wanted to focus on what Till was going to say.]
Till?
no subject
This is supposed to be trust?
If the wound becomes too deep, unbearable, he can always go back. That may not mend things, but he can escape reality once more, or maybe he can hold on to it tighter—that other reality. The one that has an obvious conclusion in its future. Till will let it hurt a little, enough, because they are both deserving of an opportunity to know something different; however, that requires him to take a chance on this. Ivan is striving forward; he can do the same.
His hand remains where it's at, his grip still firm, and his eyes continue to study Ivan's features. ]
Close your eyes.