[ Ivan lightly shakes his head against Till. Somewhere along the way, he feels like he lost what Till's meaning was. It was expected. It started in silent gestures, of course he would lose the way eventually. That was the way they were. It was difficult for him to understand Till sometimes, and he supposes that was still something he had to work at. At one point, he was sure they were talking about one thing, and now Till was trying to say he'll stay here.
No matter how lost he was, he didn't get why Till was saying this. He didn't want to use him. If it was so impersonal to Till, why should he care either? It felt more like Till trying to grasp onto something he lost than wanting the person before him. Despite sounding the same in theory, in practice they weren't the same. It shouldn't matter in a place like this.
They all had to do these sorts of things to keep the marks happy. He should just do what was expected of him.
Silence followed, trying to contain everything once more, pushing what vestiges of emotion that had broken out back down. Ivan was just being stupid again. ]
I'm not going to use you. Helping each other is different than using. We know each other, so helping should be easy.
[ Why not? That's the single thing he can clearly state when Ivan has presented him with a situation that may lead to distance being enforced. His own fabricated space is tolerable. It's necessary. However, he will not stand for the resort forcing an experience he is familiar with; he won't allow it. Or is he just as powerless as before? If that's what needs to be done, there should be nothing wrong with what he said. He has to divorce himself from his physical form. He had come close; however, this isn't close to the same.
All he knows is that Ivan's questioning, rather than accepting a possibility, means that he is not needed. It makes sense. Perhaps that's why they cannot connect? Or there are other reasons that are too complicated for him to grasp or even get a hint of. Then again, he knows what his true purpose is. It's what he leans on; it's the only thing that's constant about him and good and useful. Maybe.
Does Ivan know that? Does he understand what Ivan thinks of that? What does Ivan really want? It's not him. ]
We know each other?
You didn't want my help. You said I would fail. So I'll fail at everything. I'll fail here, I'll fail there.
[ It didn't occur to him before that it might stick with Till. It was always hard to tell what he'd remember and what he would ignore. Upsetting Till wasn't his favorite thing to do, and he often found it difficult to repair it or know when he should apologize. When Till kept everything inside, it was hard to know anything. Even now, he was sure he had already miss-stepped. ]
You don't like doing these sorts of things with people. That's not a failure. In the end, you proved that you were far more capable of adapting to this place than I am.
[ That wasn't a surprise to Ivan. He already knew that Till could do what needed to be done. He was the actual genius and people person between them. Till was the one that didn't believe it, though. ]
I never said I didn't want your help. Like I said, I'm already aware you don't like this sort of thing. We have to do this because we're here, and they'll make us, but it doesn't mean I want to force you to look at me that way.
[ What else could he surmise from that single interaction. Ivan rejected his assistance because he believed that Till would be unable to fulfill the requirements of the resort. Till had no other choice but to insist he accept his aid, practically force the vouchers on Ivan, and then there was a matter of proving his capabilities. Of course, it was all stupid; he didn't have to demonstrate anything, and yet that was the sole reason he engaged in intimacy. The bingo cards only simplified the act; there was a solid list of items to check off, rather than blindly wading through something he hadn't entirely defined. And the physical aspect is easier (when some attention is given to him).
As for everything else, he doesn't want to unravel that entirely; he doesn't care to, and honestly, he fears the day it would come. A tug at a thread of truth was enough; he won't undo those stitches. Ivan is right, he doesn't like doing those things—no more needs to be added. He resists, he denies. He doesn't like it, but he knows his body doesn't always match his thoughts.
It's still a filthy, sort of disgusting act. And there is a possibility they agree on that?
Looking at Ivan's face won't give him an answer; there is no clarity to search for in Ivan's countenance. Even expressions deviating from the norm do not help. They only leave him more perplexed. Are they not meant to understand each other? At the very least, Till understands that perhaps Ivan will accept him as a source of assistance despite their bumpy start. What he doesn't quite get is why some of those words sting, but he doesn't entirely comprehend rejection. ]
Aren't you doing just as well?
[ There is no scorn in his tone. It lacks any emotion; it's more of an observation as he tries to create distance from his single displeasure through all this. He is probably doing this wrong; perhaps it will turn out as Ivan warns. ]
Hey, what do those things have to do with each other? That thing you said I don't like, and looking at you?
[ Does it sound wrong when he says it that way? Was he not using it the way Till meant when he said it to him? Ivan was trying, but somehow he felt farther away and more confused. It should be easy to understand what Till was saying. Was it Ivan that was complicating things? How can he make this easy to understand?
It was harder when it was Till. ]
Outside of Esikko taking pity of me, no.
[ That was blunt enough. The time with Esikko was purely a return on helping the prince out of the jacuzzi and to a more comfortable place. There wasn't anything to like about or seek from him, and Ivan wasn't so presumptuous to think something was there more than his own usual clinginess. If Esikko got tired of him, that wouldn't be out of the norm.
Did Till think that Ivan was well-liked or something? That would also be depressing. Ivan was used to his own negative thoughts, but it would be laughable depressing if he also failed to live up to Till's expectations of him as well. ]
That... depends on what you meant when you said 'do you want me to look only at you'.
[ Unfortunately for Ivan, a line is drawn with a name. Till's hand lands on his shoulder to push him back and away. Are you fucking serious? How did that guy bury himself so deeply into Ivan's thoughts that they can't go through a conversation without Ivan bringing him up? It feels as if he is the only one who speaks of Mizi in fondness, or even of Sua, that the time they shared was important. Perhaps he does engage in conversation about Hiyori a little often; maybe he is just as guilty. Only he knows it's entirely different! It's not the same. He should not have come in here; it's not his expression alone souring, but his insides feel heavy, and a bitter taste accompanies the sensation.
For a second, pettiness causes him to entertain he idea of speaking about those he knows intimately just the same, but the comparison isn't there. He has not touched lips with anyone aside from Ivan. Should he? Ivan doesn't care. The request had come in a whine, and he recalls the rejection masked behind an extension for time. They did kiss. And now something that he was told is for affection leaves him cold. He isn't bitter about that; he is bitter about how easily some people can move on.
Whatever, his offer to be used was just as stupid as the one of offering assistance. Ivan would do well on his own; he would be successful. A slow, steady, and reliable rise through the resort. That's Till's expectation. ]
I wish I had vanished.
[ There is nothing new to that statement. ]
Those guys look at me, but I am unseen. What's the point of complaining? Don't you know? That little time together I treasured. Perhaps it was insignificant in comparison, but all the same, wasn't I happy? You're here now. And I said I could stay, but I got nothing from you. And I could look at you, it's what you want, but you reject me.
I am not going to fight you; you're exhausting. The dead shouldn't be so troublesome. Yet you are. But you're weird like that, right?
[ Now he was back to being pushed away. Whatever he said wasn't enough. Something in all of that was wrong. Was he not supposed to ask? Was he not supposed to answer the question? Why did it always end up like this? They had gotten so close. They were back to normal for a short moment. If only he didn't bother talking. Everything was fine when they were quiet together. Ivan hadn't forgotten that, so why did he bother talking?
Although he was already letting Till go and moving away with the push, the first words stopped him dead. They were back to that again. His eyes searched as Till went on, trying to put words to meanings. Maybe Till meant them more as feelings instead of actions. What time did Till treasure? The only time Till ever told him about was when he was with Mizi, or how he wanted to be with Mizi. When did they ever have a good moment? Did Till treasure the rest between the notes even half as much as Ivan had clung to them?
This should have been their time to be closer. There was nothing else to bar the way but each other.
The final words were heavy. Even for Ivan. At first, he could only stare at Till and then through him. The dead shouldn't be so troublesome. Hahah, he let the hope of something blind him. It almost made him forget that he existed in the shadows for a reason. Even the will to smile felt too heavy for him. Although frozen in what he could only imagine was supposed to be shock or hurt, he only felt cold. His eyes felt wet, but nothing fell.
It had been so long that he had forgotten the possibility that Till would be the first to tire of him. ]
Yeah, I am. [ His voice remained frustratingly steady. Although Till's vocal knowledge would hear the way it faintly quivered.
With another pause, he turned and lifted himself to sit up. ]
[ Composure is what he has come to expect of Ivan. Typically, that's what follows any and all disagreements, and despite his harsh, cold words, Ivan would retain a calm, collected coolness. A breezy smile would come soon. Should. Instead, he gets a frigid reaction that's as puzzling as the previous tears. His mistake is misunderstood. He doesn't comprehend how harsh his words sound aloud, or that his tone may be a little too bitter.
And as he continues to observe Ivan, the hurt is difficult to read, and the shock is strange. Formerly, Till would have said that, at least Ivan isn't entirely changed; he could work on what he knows. Now his suspicion that this place is affecting Ivan is evident. He cannot close his eyes and deny it. Perhaps he is the only thing stagnating here. And yet he waits for the rehearsed smile that should follow. He waits for something that will not come. It's practiced, it's forced. The corners of their mouths pulled and tugged into a facsimile of joy.
Once distance is created, what he awaits isn't present. With his gaze steady on Ivan's face, he fails to catch any signs of a shift in his expression. There is nothing to be found in Ivan's countenance and his pool of emotions. Till doesn't know why there is a lack of disappointment, or perhaps he is so entirely filled with disillusion that he cannot recognize this instance among his many failures. ]
But you're becoming different.
Ivan.
[ Someone has to make this okay. Someone has to smooth this over. He has to make it something. Even if that something is fake, right? That's fine. Ivan wants to hold on to reality, but when they get closer to truths it all comes apart. His genuine words are not needed. The troublesome, weird, and dead Ivan doesn't need someone burdening him. He should rest now, he should do as he wishes, and he has. Till has to accept that.
He will.
This feels odd. He has never acted on pretense. He has never faked emotions or plastered on the type of expression that would garner approval. He does now, pushing the corners of his lips upward with his index fingers. It's not right, it's twisted with his despair, loss, and impotence. But it's still a smile, right? ]
[ In this situation, Ivan doesn't being his act back up. That smile doesn't find his face to separate himself from the moment. Everything felt frozen, like the words put his reaction in stasis. The words struck deep and hit the very issue that Ivan had been contending with this whole time.
He was dead, so what did any of this matter?
Was there a point in connecting to anyone? Wouldn't it be more of the same? He reached nothing in life and now was being tortured by his very weakness in death. He was exhausting and troublesome. And changed. Till said he's different now, but Ivan doesn't feel it. He can't see the different in the hollow of his chest.
The smile he always wore could have been the wall to fix this. He could smile, they could talk about something else and go on. It was always better when they didn't bother talking to one another. It might be ness troublesome if he stopped trying. Ivan did nothing but take another slow breath, staring into the darkness of his room. ]
So have you.
[ It was the only thing he could say. Nothing else felt right. There was no point in fighting Till. He was already exhausted by him. There was no need to keep pushing things only to end up in circles. The longer he sits with the feeling, undefined and heavy in the hollow of his chest, the heavier it becomes.
His name is called, but he doesn't turn to look. ]
[ Incorrect, he is a static living person while Ivan is a shifting in death. And now Ivan won't look at him, at his smile. It's fine. Even if Ivan was complaining about remaining unseen earlier, Till is looking at him now while pouring whatever he can find within himself out on display for Ivan. There is barely a reaction; it's as if Ivan is caving in. It's new. It's the difference he had spoken of before. The difference that he will have no choice but to accept.
The thin packaging of delicate glass, meant to contain, is cracking. It will predictably fall completely apart.
Lowering his hands away from his face, he stares at the stationary man. The only thing that signals his presence is the way his chest falls and rises, accompanied by the sound of breathing. He is being left behind, it's another thing he must accept.
Nothing about himself changing, it's only the environment that shifts and morphs. His talent has become practically useless aside from fun. But what good is fun? If the single that's kept him alive has no use, then he has none. Not even here where Ivan makes an incorrect analysis. Then again, he barely understands why Ivan can be so easily taken in by some guy. Maybe that's what he needs to mend. Some guy. Considering what little has to offer it makes sense. ]
[ It was the simple answer. He didn't want Till to disappear. He didn't want him to vanish. He didn't want Till to always drift so far away. It was difficult, as it always had been. Ivan spent so long coiling himself around Till and Till's needs while getting them completely wrong. Even now, he seemed to get so close and then trip at the finish line. More than anything, he wanted to turn back around and just go back to normal.
If Till believed all of those things, why was he asking him if he should disappear? Till was the one who wanted to vanish. ]
I want to go back to being friends and talk about everything else later. I don't want you to go.
[ That was his most sincere wish at the moment. He didn't want his own failures to make Till disappear again. It had been eleven days since Till left. How much longer would the next time be? Would they continue to have fights until they stop talking to one another?
It was... weird. He's never been Till's focus before. When he was younger, he thought it would have been great to have the person who meant something acknowledge him. Now that he was an adult facing that, he was learning his shortcomings made things much harder than he formerly would have thought. ]
[ Initial feelings can morph, warp, and change into something entirely different. Their continual missteps leave Till to wonder if it would cause Ivan to regret his choice of not allowing Till to vanish under the deluge. Ivan alone isn't full of shortcomings; Till knows himself to some degree. He understands. He is trash. His purpose derailed, because what else could he cling to but his reason for living? It's pathetic, certainly, but it was something that brought him joy. And endless misery. There is no guiding light for him to follow, all the while knowing that spotlight isn't meant for him. He's made peace with that. It's fine.
However, is this fine too?
So far, he has found that he cannot bring Ivan any form of long-term happiness. Have his actions ever actually brought him contentment? That's something he tries to recall, but Till is unable to remember any such moment. Then, is his question so wrong? Despite Ivan proving the opposite through words and action? If he were not present, weighing Ivan down, then perhaps he could find a new life and a sense of human happiness. ]
I never said we stopped being friends. We were always friends.
[ Even when Ivan spoke hurtful words that indicated the opposite. ]
Maybe I also said the wrong thing.
We'll probably end up upset again, even if now or later. But I'll stay. I just don't know what you want. I don't know what I want either.
[ There is a moment of hesitation before he opens his arms up for Ivan. If he wants him to embrace him again, he can hold him close like before and brush his hair. It was soothing, right? It felt good? He can do that. They can stay together in a moment of silence, while Ivan feels his touch, and that'll make this go back to being friends. ]
[ Ivan turns his head to look at Till when he first speaks. It was something that Till had never expressed before that moment, and brought him out of the dark place he was sinking into. It had been many long years of Ivan doubting and thinking Till didn't care at all. That they were never friends. He died thinking there had never been anything. Earlier he was wrong about Till not caring he died. Now he was wrong that they were never friends.
Till was right. They might end up mad at each other again. They always did. It was also a fact that they always made up in the end. Maybe they could figure it out this time. Ivan hated hope. He hated how it was a prelude to disappointment and nothingness. Yet, when it came to Till he found he always managed to find it again.
With Till's arms out to him, Ivan turns and comes back to where he was, sinking down against Till. His arms come out and wrap around him again, pressing his head against his chest and closing his eyes. Till was full of mixed signals, but in this instance, he would just accept that. Both Ivan and Till were allowed to want for the first time with only the repercussions of the house to work with. It was something they both would have to get used to.
Ivan knew he liked this, and that being welcomed and accepted to do it made him feel those tears again. He really was exhausting. ]
[ An exhausting, troublesome and weird man. He was fit to be his friend, for someone as chaotic and difficult as Till. He considers that perhaps Ivan is more correct than anyone else's surmation of him, even if he doesn't perceive it. He must be full of contradictions if in a minute he is pushing Ivan away and in the next he is beckoning him closer. This time, he wraps his arms around Ivan securely. He will keep him close and not let go once. Even if upset, even if things sour again, he will make himself less difficult.
He wants to mend the delicate glass enclosure, force it to last just a little longer. Close the distance.
He doesn't have to speak, as Ivan has come to comprehend, Till also understands that their best times always come with silence. When they could lean on each other without a word, or when he is lost in his projects, Ivan's constant company is a source of comfort. This is comfort, too; this time, he is the one to provide it. His grip loosens only so he can bring a hand up to brush Ivan's hair again. He tries to replay his words, trying to find a source of discord. It was all observation; there was nothing he said that felt untrue, or nothing that Ivan himself wouldn't be aware of already.
Or perhaps he took offense at being called weird when Till is the only one to describe Ivan in that way. No one in Anakt Garden thought him odd, even Sua saw him more of a pest than something unequivocally strange.
Yeah, Ivan is weird in the way he is. But Ivan is Ivan. ]
I said you were weird. I didn't say your weird is wrong. That's just how you are.
[ Otherwise, would he welcome him back into his embrace? ]
[ Comfort was a strange thing, especially when you were receiving it for the first time in memory. This was never their relationship before. The difficulty of being pets and idols meant that they were both more reserved. This sort of solace was difficult to seek when all you had were fights and hurt feelings. While that still happened in this case, somehow their growth has made it more acceptable to have these quiet moments together. ]
I know I'm weird.
[ That much they agreed on. Ivan was weird. He couldn't say that it was due to where he grew up. Ivan was the only one he knew that had the troubles he did. It was a problem of 'love', but he wasn't willing to think about that even like this. It was better to enjoy the warmth curled up with him and the way those hands moved against his hair. ]
It was the other part. It's been difficult to know if I should bother with any of this since I've already departed.
[ He doesn't like talking about it, more than he's shown. It was even worse to think about it. Did punishments or participation matter when it all lead to the same end? Even if time was stopped here, was there anything to reach or want? ]
I thought that decision was going to be final. Instead, I'm here having to deal with that choice and learn to do things I never had to do before. Thinking about it all has been hard.
[ They were being honest, so he wanted to be honest. It was rare for him to bother. It may have been the first time he truly let someone know the things he was thinking about. He had Till had been close, yet he knew that in the long run, Till knew nothing about him but what he's shown him. ]
[ Comfort is odd and not something Till would readily provide. Hesitation is always present—a few seconds that could change the course of any interaction. Awareness would not change his habits, not when consoling someone also includes opening himself up, pulling at strings that wind and keep him together. He doesn't want to hurt and come apart. Yet slowly, it feels as if he is prying himself open. Not violently, not forced to face reality. It's gradual, careful tugs at threads.
There comes acknowledgment from Ivan. A confirmation that he is a strange man. That's not something that needs to be said. They're both aware. That's not the message he wants Ivan to recall. It's the other part. Ivan's oddities are not bad; he isn't bad, but maybe he is frustrating and annoying. And Till is more confused by him than entirely upset. ]
Oh.
I said that.
[ The reference to Ivan's death was not intended to be cruel or a jab at him. Till is slow to realize that what he sees as an observation could be perceived differently by someone else. In this case, Ivan had been hurt. Maybe he shouldn't have called him troublesome following that. However, for the first time in his life, someone who had departed the world of the living continues to cause difficulties for him. Is it bad? Has Ivan forgotten that he also told him not to leave him? Despite being a troublesome man, Till still wants him? Needs him? He can't exactly tell Ivan what to do with his second life, when Till hardly knows what to do about his first. ]
I don't know what you should do.
Is there anything you should do? I don't think you have to do anything. But you're alive now, and isn't being alive here better? I know this place is weird and shit, but you can do what you want. And that means you don't even have to think about your decision, and if you don't want to learn, then don't. But if you then you know. This place is an opportunity for you. We were pets, but you don't have to be that anymore. Just be Ivan. Or if you don't want to be Ivan, call yourself something different.
But yeah, this is difficult. I get it.
It's not like a change of environment will make someone different. You have to decide what you want on your own. Because it should come from you! But whatever you choose, then I'll help. Yeah. But if you don't, then that's fine. It's not wasting the opportunity even if you do nothing because it's still something you decided.
[ He hopes any of that made sense. It makes sense to Till in his head. It was also better scripted in his mind, but he didn't have time to rewrite it down and go through a few drafts, so forgive him. ]
[ He said with possibly the first hint of amusement of the night. It was rare for Till to talk so much at once. Even when they were alone, he can't remember a time that Till has said so much to him. Their time together was always quiet. They were always together, but Ivan really couldn't call them close in the ways other people were close. That was the fact he always reflected on when they were apart due to whatever argument they were having.
They were different people with very different views.
For instance, he didn't if being alive anywhere was better. All of Ivan's life had been lived through the desire to survive, yet the closer to everything they got, the less he believed that he truly wanted that. Hadn't he already been living as if he wanted to escape the darkness his life had been consumed by? It wasn't about Till or anything else specific, just the eternal recognition that he lived for nothing, but dying did give it meaning.
And now it too meant nothing. ]
I can't do nothing. I don't think any of us can do nothing. If anything happens that you can help with, I will consider it.
[ Clumsy words that were giving voice to thought without any revisions were meant to mend his mistake—an offering. Considering that, perhaps it was a bit macabre to lay upon Ivan a bouquet composed of an unfiltered reflection. Yet, contrary to what he hears, it feels as if he must mend this. Pinpointing reasoning is another matter. Does he bear more responsibility between the two of them? Is it gratitude despite his agony of winning? Or maybe it is his selfish need to find closure?
But closure isn't what he is seeking. Not when he implored directly that he isn't left alone. What he wants is comprehension. Mutual understanding. However, the gap may be too broad. Or is he wrong? Does he only seek Ivan himself? Could this be his only path to atonement? That would explain his earlier actions, which led him to guide Ivan's hands to his neck.
Physical wounds are easier to treat. Or ignore.
Till doesn't speak up immediately; instead, he continues to brush at Ivan's hair, and he continues to hold him close despite the amusement in his tone. Were his words so ridiculous? Perhaps they made no sense at all. He is reminded that he isn't all that clever. It should have gone differently. ]
I've done nothing.
[ Nothing but drown in his own thoughts. He wouldn't recommend it. But it is possible to do nothing. Or is that a part of a difference in experience? As far as he is aware, Ivan has never been bound without light or sound. That's a good place to think. ]
Are you rejecting my other offer?
At least keep your promise, or I won't forgive you.
You've done a lot. Sometimes I wonder if I've been relying on you too much.
[ How many times the thought turned over in his head. How long had he been there? Other than what they participated in on the crise, Ivan finds he almost never bothers to integrate. How many times has he spoken to Hiyori, only for the other idol to be cemented as 'the one Till knows' in his head? Every night is spent thinking about Till or being with him as if they were still in Anakt, waiting for the guardians to come and take them away.
Shouldn't Ivan's pitiful self also attempt to become 'someone'? ]
I'm not rejecting you; I'm expressing caution and time.
[ They were still learning, both about intimacy and humanity. There were many things they were facing together, and growth was necessary on both of their parts. Ivan couldn't imagine doing anything without Till, but he also knows that his presence was really just something that drags Till down. If Till wanted to be dragged down, Ivan wouldn't stop him, so long as it didn't mean Till stopped 'living among humanity'. ]
I've ended up learning a lot of things I didn't already know. For a long time I was convinced you wouldn't care if I disappeared, because I knew you only looked happy when Mizi was there. Now I have to 'live' with all of those thoughts being wrong.
You aren't offering because you 'pity' me.
[ That was probably the heaviest thing he would have to get used to. He didn't need to keep trying to carve away at Till. He's already made his mark, Ivan just has to see it for what it is. That alone would take him time to get used to. ]
So I mean it for all of it. I want to help each other out. Learning how to 'move on' here will take time, and it will be easier if we help each other learn.. and do, too.
[ And what exactly has he done? He wants to know what he has done for Ivan to deem it to be a lot. He hasn't done shit. It's not enough. Or is this Ivan's way of conveying that he does not want him? That sounds like rejection. Only it's packaged neatly in an attempt to keep his temper at bay, but he already said he was exhausted. There was no need. Is he only becoming more of a burden? That's all he's been, right? And why was he deemed to give mixed signals, all the while Ivan says such contrary things? He doesn't want him to vanish, and at the same time, he doesn't want him. That's fine. He understands the latter.
Are all of Ivan's words an attempt to smoothly lighten the load? There is no reason for kindness. When have Ivan's words been kind to him? Or is this the different Ivan? He hasn't finished comprehending the first; he doesn't understand Ivan in death either. All he is left to ponder is whether he has limited value and that value is in the comfort he is giving.
That too could lose its worth.
But Ivan isn't Ivan anymore. The change is so glaringly obvious that he cannot deny it. He can't hide the sun with his hand, just like he cannot deny this fact. What he can do is continue to ignore it even while being aware that it would gradually become impossible. That annoying guy who followed him around is gone; at least he won't have to complain to their teachers anymore. And he can be alone. There won't be a someone to reject a someone like him. ]
I wasn't only happy then. Did you really look at me, or listen to anything I ever said?
But if you want to move on, I will do that. It's the least I can do, right?
[ When Till says it, it doesn't sound the same as when Ivan says it. When Ivan said it, to him, it meant moving forward without the Segyein or the garden. It was learning to live as they were. They way it sounded when Till said it felt like making everything end, and he didn't like the way that felt in the pit of his stomach.
Ivan moves his head to look at Till, wondering about these questions and the way everything sounded. Did he look at him and listen to him? All the time. Ivan can't imagine anyone else looking at Till more than him. It didn't mean he understood. It didn't mean he could peer into his heart or his mind. Everything he saw was tinted pink when it came to Till. How could he think anything was cast in shadow for him? ]
It's hard for me to understand feelings. [ He says quietly, closing his eyes. Hasn't that been what all of this mounted to? ] So if you can't tell me directly, the meaning might get lost.
[ Ivan paused, considering his next words. ]
Do what it is you want to do, or think is best. I don't think my words are coming out the way I want them to.
[ Temporary resistance comes from Till; unable to let go, but he also knows he cannot keep Ivan in his hold or force the comfort he is willing to pour out. He cannot thrust that sensation into another person without it warping into something hideous. Once Ivan pulls back, he can only let his hands drop at his sides and meet his gaze. Till does not avoid it. Has he ever? He doesn't recall making a conscious effort to evade meeting Ivan's eyes. Instead, he is now trying to look at him. See him. More than anything, trying to comprehend Ivan, where he has failed before. It's a matter of communication, and Ivan's expression doesn't betray anything new. It's the same information he has had to work with all these years. It's close to nothing.
Yet Ivan's face isn't always a mask of cool tranquility. He has seen it change. He has seen him smile, even when the expression was inappropriate for the occasion. Their physical altercations should not have garnered such an expression, and yet that's what he saw mirror his frustration.
What did it mean? Is that why his anger and exasperation were never understood? ]
But you knew when I was angry.
[ Those feelings were never hidden. They were out in the open in all their ugliness for all to see. How much more direct can he be when rage made him boil? He never simmered quietly. It all exploded outward. Then what is he supposed to say now? Express all the times he's been upset? Is Ivan as poor at measuring his words as he is? ]
You said you want to move on. Moving on means to forget everything and not look back. I am a part of that. And I said I would accept that.
We fight a lot. When you leave or stop talking to me, I realize that something went wrong, but most of the time it's hard to know what that was.
[ So no, sometimes it was difficult to know when he was actually mad or just being the way he is. Ivan pokes and prods, Till gets mad. It's how things always are, but what things specifically makes Till mad was a mystery to him. He had decided before that he should be nicer to Till, yet he somehow still made the other mad.
The explanation from Till cemented it. The way Till hears his words aren't the way that Ivan means them. Ivan lacks warmth. Understanding. Why did it still feel like he lacked 'humanity' when everything constantly hurt? Blinking slowly at Till, he took a short breath and tried to figure out how to fix this. ]
When I said it, I meant something different. I don't want to forget the past or let it go. I want it to become a part of us as we move forward into the future instead. We aren't there anymore. We're here. That's what we have to figure out. Where do we fit in this new place...
[ His eyes closed, going back to resting against him. He could imagine that the lack of use was also getting to Till, but there was very little they could do with their skills that others couldn't. They had to become a part of this place, like they did Anakt. ]
[ No sooner than that question gets past Till's lips than he realizes just how stupid it must sound when it even rings idiotic in his ears. Till knows he is a moron; however, he doesn't lack awareness. The obvious is clear. He knows the reason why Ivan never asks why he becomes upset, why they fight. Previously, there was an assumption that Ivan understood (to a degree). That's one problem. Assumptions. The confession that Ivan had difficulties processing feelings recontextualizes previous interactions. Not enough to explain every misunderstanding or mistranslation of words. But it is a start. However, this doesn't prompt Till to give any explanations. That would take a long time; he can't say his memory of events would be entirely reliable when he is the narrator of his own story. His perspective could warp the truth. And it could hurt. They're mending, but does that mean opening up old wounds?
They could start now.
He also knows Ivan never had an opportunity to ask. Would he have? When Till is quick to anger and react, there is never an opportunity to smooth out misconceptions and erroneous interpretations. Till was always left to formulate a reason for intent alone, even when willing to give Ivan the benefit of the doubt; something hurtful followed. And that's what he tries to avoid. ]
I suggested I could stay before. You only asked why.
Can't you want me to stay, like I don't want you to leave me? Then I won't have to think about there and maybe I can focus on a future here instead? Otherwise, why would I think about here? Why would I spend time fitting into this?
[ Once again, Ivan is close to him, and like before, he envelopes him in his arms. He holds him close. He caresses his hair. He may not be pouring what there is left of himself into song, but he can spill it into comfort. This is something? It gives him some kind of meaning? Maybe? He isn't entirely sure, but Ivan appears to enjoy it, and he can't say he hates it. It feels almost nostalgic, warm, despite the bubbling distress of their conversation. ]
Because you go away. and we stop talking when you get mad. When you come back, you never say anything was wrong.
[ There was only a moment of thought after that. ]
I should have asked.
[ How do you ask when you aren't even entirely sure anything was wrong, and sometimes the answers you get are flippant or never come? Ivan, though, was mean. He knew that. He had been trying to improve that, but now he thinks he's maybe gone into being too cold. Trying to figure out the way to handle these things ended up being a lot of trial and error. ]
...
[ It wasn't the first time he's been asked why he doesn't have 'desires' of his own. It's been a downfall of his for a long time. Even the Segyein thought his lack of desire and drive was a hindrance. It followed him here as well. Till wasn't the only one to ask him why. Now he had to think about his answer. It was never that he didn't want him to be here. ]
Stay. We can both be alive here.
[ It wasn't up to them. Hiyori told him about death and the statues and all of the weird stuff that had no explanation. That talk with Hiyori was only a few days ago, and it gave him perspective on things he hadn't thought about. ]
I want to hear about the friends you make and the people who upset you. Let's live here.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Ivan lightly shakes his head against Till. Somewhere along the way, he feels like he lost what Till's meaning was. It was expected. It started in silent gestures, of course he would lose the way eventually. That was the way they were. It was difficult for him to understand Till sometimes, and he supposes that was still something he had to work at. At one point, he was sure they were talking about one thing, and now Till was trying to say he'll stay here.
No matter how lost he was, he didn't get why Till was saying this. He didn't want to use him. If it was so impersonal to Till, why should he care either? It felt more like Till trying to grasp onto something he lost than wanting the person before him. Despite sounding the same in theory, in practice they weren't the same. It shouldn't matter in a place like this.
They all had to do these sorts of things to keep the marks happy. He should just do what was expected of him.
Silence followed, trying to contain everything once more, pushing what vestiges of emotion that had broken out back down. Ivan was just being stupid again. ]
I'm not going to use you. Helping each other is different than using. We know each other, so helping should be easy.
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All he knows is that Ivan's questioning, rather than accepting a possibility, means that he is not needed. It makes sense. Perhaps that's why they cannot connect? Or there are other reasons that are too complicated for him to grasp or even get a hint of. Then again, he knows what his true purpose is. It's what he leans on; it's the only thing that's constant about him and good and useful. Maybe.
Does Ivan know that? Does he understand what Ivan thinks of that? What does Ivan really want? It's not him. ]
We know each other?
You didn't want my help. You said I would fail. So I'll fail at everything. I'll fail here, I'll fail there.
[ Should he let go then? ]
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[ It didn't occur to him before that it might stick with Till. It was always hard to tell what he'd remember and what he would ignore. Upsetting Till wasn't his favorite thing to do, and he often found it difficult to repair it or know when he should apologize. When Till kept everything inside, it was hard to know anything. Even now, he was sure he had already miss-stepped. ]
You don't like doing these sorts of things with people. That's not a failure. In the end, you proved that you were far more capable of adapting to this place than I am.
[ That wasn't a surprise to Ivan. He already knew that Till could do what needed to be done. He was the actual genius and people person between them. Till was the one that didn't believe it, though. ]
I never said I didn't want your help. Like I said, I'm already aware you don't like this sort of thing. We have to do this because we're here, and they'll make us, but it doesn't mean I want to force you to look at me that way.
I would rather be friends and keep this 'real'.
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As for everything else, he doesn't want to unravel that entirely; he doesn't care to, and honestly, he fears the day it would come. A tug at a thread of truth was enough; he won't undo those stitches. Ivan is right, he doesn't like doing those things—no more needs to be added. He resists, he denies. He doesn't like it, but he knows his body doesn't always match his thoughts.
It's still a filthy, sort of disgusting act. And there is a possibility they agree on that?
Looking at Ivan's face won't give him an answer; there is no clarity to search for in Ivan's countenance. Even expressions deviating from the norm do not help. They only leave him more perplexed. Are they not meant to understand each other? At the very least, Till understands that perhaps Ivan will accept him as a source of assistance despite their bumpy start. What he doesn't quite get is why some of those words sting, but he doesn't entirely comprehend rejection. ]
Aren't you doing just as well?
[ There is no scorn in his tone. It lacks any emotion; it's more of an observation as he tries to create distance from his single displeasure through all this. He is probably doing this wrong; perhaps it will turn out as Ivan warns. ]
Hey, what do those things have to do with each other? That thing you said I don't like, and looking at you?
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It was harder when it was Till. ]
Outside of Esikko taking pity of me, no.
[ That was blunt enough. The time with Esikko was purely a return on helping the prince out of the jacuzzi and to a more comfortable place. There wasn't anything to like about or seek from him, and Ivan wasn't so presumptuous to think something was there more than his own usual clinginess. If Esikko got tired of him, that wouldn't be out of the norm.
Did Till think that Ivan was well-liked or something? That would also be depressing. Ivan was used to his own negative thoughts, but it would be laughable depressing if he also failed to live up to Till's expectations of him as well. ]
That... depends on what you meant when you said 'do you want me to look only at you'.
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For a second, pettiness causes him to entertain he idea of speaking about those he knows intimately just the same, but the comparison isn't there. He has not touched lips with anyone aside from Ivan. Should he? Ivan doesn't care. The request had come in a whine, and he recalls the rejection masked behind an extension for time. They did kiss. And now something that he was told is for affection leaves him cold. He isn't bitter about that; he is bitter about how easily some people can move on.
Whatever, his offer to be used was just as stupid as the one of offering assistance. Ivan would do well on his own; he would be successful. A slow, steady, and reliable rise through the resort. That's Till's expectation. ]
I wish I had vanished.
[ There is nothing new to that statement. ]
Those guys look at me, but I am unseen. What's the point of complaining? Don't you know? That little time together I treasured. Perhaps it was insignificant in comparison, but all the same, wasn't I happy? You're here now. And I said I could stay, but I got nothing from you. And I could look at you, it's what you want, but you reject me.
I am not going to fight you; you're exhausting. The dead shouldn't be so troublesome. Yet you are. But you're weird like that, right?
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Although he was already letting Till go and moving away with the push, the first words stopped him dead. They were back to that again. His eyes searched as Till went on, trying to put words to meanings. Maybe Till meant them more as feelings instead of actions. What time did Till treasure? The only time Till ever told him about was when he was with Mizi, or how he wanted to be with Mizi. When did they ever have a good moment? Did Till treasure the rest between the notes even half as much as Ivan had clung to them?
This should have been their time to be closer. There was nothing else to bar the way but each other.
The final words were heavy. Even for Ivan. At first, he could only stare at Till and then through him. The dead shouldn't be so troublesome. Hahah, he let the hope of something blind him. It almost made him forget that he existed in the shadows for a reason. Even the will to smile felt too heavy for him. Although frozen in what he could only imagine was supposed to be shock or hurt, he only felt cold. His eyes felt wet, but nothing fell.
It had been so long that he had forgotten the possibility that Till would be the first to tire of him. ]
Yeah, I am. [ His voice remained frustratingly steady. Although Till's vocal knowledge would hear the way it faintly quivered.
With another pause, he turned and lifted himself to sit up. ]
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And as he continues to observe Ivan, the hurt is difficult to read, and the shock is strange. Formerly, Till would have said that, at least Ivan isn't entirely changed; he could work on what he knows. Now his suspicion that this place is affecting Ivan is evident. He cannot close his eyes and deny it. Perhaps he is the only thing stagnating here. And yet he waits for the rehearsed smile that should follow. He waits for something that will not come. It's practiced, it's forced. The corners of their mouths pulled and tugged into a facsimile of joy.
Once distance is created, what he awaits isn't present. With his gaze steady on Ivan's face, he fails to catch any signs of a shift in his expression. There is nothing to be found in Ivan's countenance and his pool of emotions. Till doesn't know why there is a lack of disappointment, or perhaps he is so entirely filled with disillusion that he cannot recognize this instance among his many failures. ]
But you're becoming different.
Ivan.
[ Someone has to make this okay. Someone has to smooth this over. He has to make it something. Even if that something is fake, right? That's fine. Ivan wants to hold on to reality, but when they get closer to truths it all comes apart. His genuine words are not needed. The troublesome, weird, and dead Ivan doesn't need someone burdening him. He should rest now, he should do as he wishes, and he has. Till has to accept that.
He will.
This feels odd. He has never acted on pretense. He has never faked emotions or plastered on the type of expression that would garner approval. He does now, pushing the corners of his lips upward with his index fingers. It's not right, it's twisted with his despair, loss, and impotence. But it's still a smile, right? ]
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He was dead, so what did any of this matter?
Was there a point in connecting to anyone? Wouldn't it be more of the same? He reached nothing in life and now was being tortured by his very weakness in death. He was exhausting and troublesome. And changed. Till said he's different now, but Ivan doesn't feel it. He can't see the different in the hollow of his chest.
The smile he always wore could have been the wall to fix this. He could smile, they could talk about something else and go on. It was always better when they didn't bother talking to one another. It might be ness troublesome if he stopped trying. Ivan did nothing but take another slow breath, staring into the darkness of his room. ]
So have you.
[ It was the only thing he could say. Nothing else felt right. There was no point in fighting Till. He was already exhausted by him. There was no need to keep pushing things only to end up in circles. The longer he sits with the feeling, undefined and heavy in the hollow of his chest, the heavier it becomes.
His name is called, but he doesn't turn to look. ]
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The thin packaging of delicate glass, meant to contain, is cracking. It will predictably fall completely apart.
Lowering his hands away from his face, he stares at the stationary man. The only thing that signals his presence is the way his chest falls and rises, accompanied by the sound of breathing. He is being left behind, it's another thing he must accept.
Nothing about himself changing, it's only the environment that shifts and morphs. His talent has become practically useless aside from fun. But what good is fun? If the single that's kept him alive has no use, then he has none. Not even here where Ivan makes an incorrect analysis. Then again, he barely understands why Ivan can be so easily taken in by some guy. Maybe that's what he needs to mend. Some guy. Considering what little has to offer it makes sense. ]
Do you want me to disappear now?
I can do that, this place is big enough.
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[ It was the simple answer. He didn't want Till to disappear. He didn't want him to vanish. He didn't want Till to always drift so far away. It was difficult, as it always had been. Ivan spent so long coiling himself around Till and Till's needs while getting them completely wrong. Even now, he seemed to get so close and then trip at the finish line. More than anything, he wanted to turn back around and just go back to normal.
If Till believed all of those things, why was he asking him if he should disappear? Till was the one who wanted to vanish. ]
I want to go back to being friends and talk about everything else later. I don't want you to go.
[ That was his most sincere wish at the moment. He didn't want his own failures to make Till disappear again. It had been eleven days since Till left. How much longer would the next time be? Would they continue to have fights until they stop talking to one another?
It was... weird. He's never been Till's focus before. When he was younger, he thought it would have been great to have the person who meant something acknowledge him. Now that he was an adult facing that, he was learning his shortcomings made things much harder than he formerly would have thought. ]
I don't want to keep saying the wrong thing.
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However, is this fine too?
So far, he has found that he cannot bring Ivan any form of long-term happiness. Have his actions ever actually brought him contentment? That's something he tries to recall, but Till is unable to remember any such moment. Then, is his question so wrong? Despite Ivan proving the opposite through words and action? If he were not present, weighing Ivan down, then perhaps he could find a new life and a sense of human happiness. ]
I never said we stopped being friends. We were always friends.
[ Even when Ivan spoke hurtful words that indicated the opposite. ]
Maybe I also said the wrong thing.
We'll probably end up upset again, even if now or later. But I'll stay. I just don't know what you want. I don't know what I want either.
[ There is a moment of hesitation before he opens his arms up for Ivan. If he wants him to embrace him again, he can hold him close like before and brush his hair. It was soothing, right? It felt good? He can do that. They can stay together in a moment of silence, while Ivan feels his touch, and that'll make this go back to being friends. ]
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Till was right. They might end up mad at each other again. They always did. It was also a fact that they always made up in the end. Maybe they could figure it out this time. Ivan hated hope. He hated how it was a prelude to disappointment and nothingness. Yet, when it came to Till he found he always managed to find it again.
With Till's arms out to him, Ivan turns and comes back to where he was, sinking down against Till. His arms come out and wrap around him again, pressing his head against his chest and closing his eyes. Till was full of mixed signals, but in this instance, he would just accept that. Both Ivan and Till were allowed to want for the first time with only the repercussions of the house to work with. It was something they both would have to get used to.
Ivan knew he liked this, and that being welcomed and accepted to do it made him feel those tears again. He really was exhausting. ]
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He wants to mend the delicate glass enclosure, force it to last just a little longer. Close the distance.
He doesn't have to speak, as Ivan has come to comprehend, Till also understands that their best times always come with silence. When they could lean on each other without a word, or when he is lost in his projects, Ivan's constant company is a source of comfort. This is comfort, too; this time, he is the one to provide it. His grip loosens only so he can bring a hand up to brush Ivan's hair again. He tries to replay his words, trying to find a source of discord. It was all observation; there was nothing he said that felt untrue, or nothing that Ivan himself wouldn't be aware of already.
Or perhaps he took offense at being called weird when Till is the only one to describe Ivan in that way. No one in Anakt Garden thought him odd, even Sua saw him more of a pest than something unequivocally strange.
Yeah, Ivan is weird in the way he is. But Ivan is Ivan. ]
I said you were weird. I didn't say your weird is wrong. That's just how you are.
[ Otherwise, would he welcome him back into his embrace? ]
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I know I'm weird.
[ That much they agreed on. Ivan was weird. He couldn't say that it was due to where he grew up. Ivan was the only one he knew that had the troubles he did. It was a problem of 'love', but he wasn't willing to think about that even like this. It was better to enjoy the warmth curled up with him and the way those hands moved against his hair. ]
It was the other part. It's been difficult to know if I should bother with any of this since I've already departed.
[ He doesn't like talking about it, more than he's shown. It was even worse to think about it. Did punishments or participation matter when it all lead to the same end? Even if time was stopped here, was there anything to reach or want? ]
I thought that decision was going to be final. Instead, I'm here having to deal with that choice and learn to do things I never had to do before. Thinking about it all has been hard.
[ They were being honest, so he wanted to be honest. It was rare for him to bother. It may have been the first time he truly let someone know the things he was thinking about. He had Till had been close, yet he knew that in the long run, Till knew nothing about him but what he's shown him. ]
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There comes acknowledgment from Ivan. A confirmation that he is a strange man. That's not something that needs to be said. They're both aware. That's not the message he wants Ivan to recall. It's the other part. Ivan's oddities are not bad; he isn't bad, but maybe he is frustrating and annoying. And Till is more confused by him than entirely upset. ]
Oh.
I said that.
[ The reference to Ivan's death was not intended to be cruel or a jab at him. Till is slow to realize that what he sees as an observation could be perceived differently by someone else. In this case, Ivan had been hurt. Maybe he shouldn't have called him troublesome following that. However, for the first time in his life, someone who had departed the world of the living continues to cause difficulties for him. Is it bad? Has Ivan forgotten that he also told him not to leave him? Despite being a troublesome man, Till still wants him? Needs him? He can't exactly tell Ivan what to do with his second life, when Till hardly knows what to do about his first. ]
I don't know what you should do.
Is there anything you should do? I don't think you have to do anything. But you're alive now, and isn't being alive here better? I know this place is weird and shit, but you can do what you want. And that means you don't even have to think about your decision, and if you don't want to learn, then don't. But if you then you know. This place is an opportunity for you. We were pets, but you don't have to be that anymore. Just be Ivan. Or if you don't want to be Ivan, call yourself something different.
But yeah, this is difficult. I get it.
It's not like a change of environment will make someone different. You have to decide what you want on your own. Because it should come from you! But whatever you choose, then I'll help. Yeah. But if you don't, then that's fine. It's not wasting the opportunity even if you do nothing because it's still something you decided.
[ He hopes any of that made sense. It makes sense to Till in his head. It was also better scripted in his mind, but he didn't have time to rewrite it down and go through a few drafts, so forgive him. ]
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[ He said with possibly the first hint of amusement of the night. It was rare for Till to talk so much at once. Even when they were alone, he can't remember a time that Till has said so much to him. Their time together was always quiet. They were always together, but Ivan really couldn't call them close in the ways other people were close. That was the fact he always reflected on when they were apart due to whatever argument they were having.
They were different people with very different views.
For instance, he didn't if being alive anywhere was better. All of Ivan's life had been lived through the desire to survive, yet the closer to everything they got, the less he believed that he truly wanted that. Hadn't he already been living as if he wanted to escape the darkness his life had been consumed by? It wasn't about Till or anything else specific, just the eternal recognition that he lived for nothing, but dying did give it meaning.
And now it too meant nothing. ]
I can't do nothing. I don't think any of us can do nothing. If anything happens that you can help with, I will consider it.
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But closure isn't what he is seeking. Not when he implored directly that he isn't left alone. What he wants is comprehension. Mutual understanding. However, the gap may be too broad. Or is he wrong? Does he only seek Ivan himself? Could this be his only path to atonement? That would explain his earlier actions, which led him to guide Ivan's hands to his neck.
Physical wounds are easier to treat. Or ignore.
Till doesn't speak up immediately; instead, he continues to brush at Ivan's hair, and he continues to hold him close despite the amusement in his tone. Were his words so ridiculous? Perhaps they made no sense at all. He is reminded that he isn't all that clever. It should have gone differently. ]
I've done nothing.
[ Nothing but drown in his own thoughts. He wouldn't recommend it. But it is possible to do nothing. Or is that a part of a difference in experience? As far as he is aware, Ivan has never been bound without light or sound. That's a good place to think. ]
Are you rejecting my other offer?
At least keep your promise, or I won't forgive you.
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[ How many times the thought turned over in his head. How long had he been there? Other than what they participated in on the crise, Ivan finds he almost never bothers to integrate. How many times has he spoken to Hiyori, only for the other idol to be cemented as 'the one Till knows' in his head? Every night is spent thinking about Till or being with him as if they were still in Anakt, waiting for the guardians to come and take them away.
Shouldn't Ivan's pitiful self also attempt to become 'someone'? ]
I'm not rejecting you; I'm expressing caution and time.
[ They were still learning, both about intimacy and humanity. There were many things they were facing together, and growth was necessary on both of their parts. Ivan couldn't imagine doing anything without Till, but he also knows that his presence was really just something that drags Till down. If Till wanted to be dragged down, Ivan wouldn't stop him, so long as it didn't mean Till stopped 'living among humanity'. ]
I've ended up learning a lot of things I didn't already know. For a long time I was convinced you wouldn't care if I disappeared, because I knew you only looked happy when Mizi was there. Now I have to 'live' with all of those thoughts being wrong.
You aren't offering because you 'pity' me.
[ That was probably the heaviest thing he would have to get used to. He didn't need to keep trying to carve away at Till. He's already made his mark, Ivan just has to see it for what it is. That alone would take him time to get used to. ]
So I mean it for all of it. I want to help each other out. Learning how to 'move on' here will take time, and it will be easier if we help each other learn.. and do, too.
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Are all of Ivan's words an attempt to smoothly lighten the load? There is no reason for kindness. When have Ivan's words been kind to him? Or is this the different Ivan? He hasn't finished comprehending the first; he doesn't understand Ivan in death either. All he is left to ponder is whether he has limited value and that value is in the comfort he is giving.
That too could lose its worth.
But Ivan isn't Ivan anymore. The change is so glaringly obvious that he cannot deny it. He can't hide the sun with his hand, just like he cannot deny this fact. What he can do is continue to ignore it even while being aware that it would gradually become impossible. That annoying guy who followed him around is gone; at least he won't have to complain to their teachers anymore. And he can be alone. There won't be a someone to reject a someone like him. ]
I wasn't only happy then. Did you really look at me, or listen to anything I ever said?
But if you want to move on, I will do that. It's the least I can do, right?
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Ivan moves his head to look at Till, wondering about these questions and the way everything sounded. Did he look at him and listen to him? All the time. Ivan can't imagine anyone else looking at Till more than him. It didn't mean he understood. It didn't mean he could peer into his heart or his mind. Everything he saw was tinted pink when it came to Till. How could he think anything was cast in shadow for him? ]
It's hard for me to understand feelings. [ He says quietly, closing his eyes. Hasn't that been what all of this mounted to? ] So if you can't tell me directly, the meaning might get lost.
[ Ivan paused, considering his next words. ]
Do what it is you want to do, or think is best. I don't think my words are coming out the way I want them to.
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Yet Ivan's face isn't always a mask of cool tranquility. He has seen it change. He has seen him smile, even when the expression was inappropriate for the occasion. Their physical altercations should not have garnered such an expression, and yet that's what he saw mirror his frustration.
What did it mean? Is that why his anger and exasperation were never understood? ]
But you knew when I was angry.
[ Those feelings were never hidden. They were out in the open in all their ugliness for all to see. How much more direct can he be when rage made him boil? He never simmered quietly. It all exploded outward. Then what is he supposed to say now? Express all the times he's been upset? Is Ivan as poor at measuring his words as he is? ]
You said you want to move on. Moving on means to forget everything and not look back. I am a part of that. And I said I would accept that.
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[ So no, sometimes it was difficult to know when he was actually mad or just being the way he is. Ivan pokes and prods, Till gets mad. It's how things always are, but what things specifically makes Till mad was a mystery to him. He had decided before that he should be nicer to Till, yet he somehow still made the other mad.
The explanation from Till cemented it. The way Till hears his words aren't the way that Ivan means them. Ivan lacks warmth. Understanding. Why did it still feel like he lacked 'humanity' when everything constantly hurt? Blinking slowly at Till, he took a short breath and tried to figure out how to fix this. ]
When I said it, I meant something different. I don't want to forget the past or let it go. I want it to become a part of us as we move forward into the future instead. We aren't there anymore. We're here. That's what we have to figure out. Where do we fit in this new place...
[ His eyes closed, going back to resting against him. He could imagine that the lack of use was also getting to Till, but there was very little they could do with their skills that others couldn't. They had to become a part of this place, like they did Anakt. ]
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[ No sooner than that question gets past Till's lips than he realizes just how stupid it must sound when it even rings idiotic in his ears. Till knows he is a moron; however, he doesn't lack awareness. The obvious is clear. He knows the reason why Ivan never asks why he becomes upset, why they fight. Previously, there was an assumption that Ivan understood (to a degree). That's one problem. Assumptions. The confession that Ivan had difficulties processing feelings recontextualizes previous interactions. Not enough to explain every misunderstanding or mistranslation of words. But it is a start. However, this doesn't prompt Till to give any explanations. That would take a long time; he can't say his memory of events would be entirely reliable when he is the narrator of his own story. His perspective could warp the truth. And it could hurt. They're mending, but does that mean opening up old wounds?
They could start now.
He also knows Ivan never had an opportunity to ask. Would he have? When Till is quick to anger and react, there is never an opportunity to smooth out misconceptions and erroneous interpretations. Till was always left to formulate a reason for intent alone, even when willing to give Ivan the benefit of the doubt; something hurtful followed. And that's what he tries to avoid. ]
I suggested I could stay before. You only asked why.
Can't you want me to stay, like I don't want you to leave me? Then I won't have to think about there and maybe I can focus on a future here instead? Otherwise, why would I think about here? Why would I spend time fitting into this?
[ Once again, Ivan is close to him, and like before, he envelopes him in his arms. He holds him close. He caresses his hair. He may not be pouring what there is left of himself into song, but he can spill it into comfort. This is something? It gives him some kind of meaning? Maybe? He isn't entirely sure, but Ivan appears to enjoy it, and he can't say he hates it. It feels almost nostalgic, warm, despite the bubbling distress of their conversation. ]
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[ There was only a moment of thought after that. ]
I should have asked.
[ How do you ask when you aren't even entirely sure anything was wrong, and sometimes the answers you get are flippant or never come? Ivan, though, was mean. He knew that. He had been trying to improve that, but now he thinks he's maybe gone into being too cold. Trying to figure out the way to handle these things ended up being a lot of trial and error. ]
...
[ It wasn't the first time he's been asked why he doesn't have 'desires' of his own. It's been a downfall of his for a long time. Even the Segyein thought his lack of desire and drive was a hindrance. It followed him here as well. Till wasn't the only one to ask him why. Now he had to think about his answer. It was never that he didn't want him to be here. ]
Stay. We can both be alive here.
[ It wasn't up to them. Hiyori told him about death and the statues and all of the weird stuff that had no explanation. That talk with Hiyori was only a few days ago, and it gave him perspective on things he hadn't thought about. ]
I want to hear about the friends you make and the people who upset you. Let's live here.
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