( Ah... he never thought the whole perfect prince charming lines would work on someone like himself, but here he is, heart racing at that line. what the hell. )
A challenge, hm? I'll accept. 💖
( It's only a moment later that the door to Ivan's suite creaks open, Esikko barely poking his head in. )
Ivan...? ( Surely only one person would leave the door cracked. )
[ Ivan laid on the bed in his rather plain room. If not for him and the small stack of papers on the table topped with a pen, it might even look like no one lived in it. With the call of the name, Ivan sits up, looking away from the watch to wave to Esikko instead. He was still shirtless, only wearing his pajama pants. ]
( With confirmation, he enters the rest of the way, allowing the front door to shut softly behind him. He's in that baggy shirt, artfully hanging loose from one shoulder, shorts that expose far too much leg, and some slippers that he slides off right by the door, allowing a little laugh to slip out as he moves over. )
...Hehe, it feels like I'm sneaking out from the palace again to go out to the town, somehow.
( Because it's so late? Because he was quiet down the halls to avoid waking anyone up unnecessarily? He doesn't know what it is, exactly, but it makes him a little giddy, even as he presses a knee down on the bed and leans shamelessly in over Ivan. Arms hook around his shoulders, and with a little lunge, he aims to lean his whole body weight against him. Like a hug? A hug crossed with a pull down to the bed, and a kiss that he buries into his neck. )
You'll have to forgive me if I come across too eager. ( Spoken into his neck, pleased by the warmth of another. ) I'm really so restless, right now.
[ Ivan's arms come up, but the force pushes him back. Arms wrap around Esikko as he goes back against the bed once again, eyes going to the ceiling when not on pink tresses that fell against him. He's gotten use to the feel of holding this cold body against his own, his own hands sliding down his sides to loosely wrap around his waist.
The kiss makes him feel warm, but it feels less like he's too eager and more like ... something else. He doesn't really know what it is, though. Maybe Esikko was being normal, and it's Ivan's brain that was the one being weird.
No matter the answer, he turns his head and kisses the side of Esikko's face. ]
The eagerness doesn't bother me, even if I'm not used to it. I just want to resolve your restlessness so you can sleep, even if it has to happen while you're clinging to me like this.
So talk. Tell me about this restless feeling, even if it's embarrassing.
( The hug is so... soft. Compared to everyone else Esikko has been drawn to, Ivan is a little like a breath of fresh air. He wraps his arms around him immediately, but that's not really the new and surprising part— it's the kiss to the side of his face, the kind, straightforward words without any hint of looking down on him or being embarrassed for it. It makes his cheeks flush a little, though he can't quite figure out why.
But it's... new, to feel like drawing himself closer to someone who isn't either unhealthily obsessed with him in an aggressively toxic way or just a straight up tsundere... What is this mysterious third thing he's finding here? )
I... ( Part of him does want to share, with Ivan, because it feels easier to, because he's putting up with him coming all the way here at this hour of night. But he is embarrassed, and the longer he tries to think on it, the more that mixes around, making him feel... more manic? Because what he wants, he thinks, is more of this... He ends up laughing a little as he tries and struggles to come up with words, burying his face further, pressing his body closer. )
Well, your pictures didn't really inspire sleep. ( Coyly, he presses another kiss, sneaking a hand back and between them to press a cool palm against that bare chest. Hello... ) But it's not just wanting to be close in the way this place normally encourages, you know?
I don't know. I can't explain it, it's not something I'm used to. But... this does feel nice, just like this.
[ It made sense, though. He didn't do anything sexual in the pictures, but they were tastefully playful and showed him off. With Esi's hand against his chest, he would imagine that they were received well despite his amateur job of it.
Wanting to be close in a way that isn't just the way this place usually is. The first thing to come to his mind was the sight of two girls holding hands and smiling at each other while he looked on. The memory reminded him of that mysterious feeling that gripped him when he realized the truth of their different situations.
Whatever Esikko was feeling, it wasn't the same as that. Yet, it still made him feel heavy. Spoiled. He shouldn't know what something like this feels like. ]
Then let's lay like this and talk about something else. Along with all of this other stuff.
[ Like the cuddling. ...He thinks this is what cuddling is. Also the kissing, which he leans in and gives Esikko another of.
( He reaffirms that easily, cool hand smoothing over Ivan's chest before he wraps it back around him in their embrace. He craves physical intimacy, because that's so easy here, because it brings him closer to people, let's him feel wanted. So, of course it's hard to not let his mind wander to how warm Ivan feels.
But there's something even nicer about the cuddling, right now. New, foreign, so warm and it's making him dizzy how giddy he feels about it. Ugh, is it his suit acting up? Or, something else?
He decides he doesn't care what the cause is, right now, and pulls back just enough to be able to look at Ivan's face. His own cheeks are a little pink, but it's hard to tell in the dark. )
Maybe we should talk about what thoughts have kept you awake, this time.
[ He didn't have to think about it. He knew what was keeping him up and the memories that went with it. Those feelings were things he thought he was used to. It shouldn't be as heavy as it was. ]
Have you ever fought with someone while knowing it was stupid? Getting stuck arguing and having a poor relationship with someone, but keep getting drawn in regardless? All you've wished was to make something of it or stop.
[ The words were better when given in such a vague way. His hand felt idle circles against Esi's skin, his eyes searching for nothing in particular in the darkness. ]
I wanted to be greedy enough to at least be friends, but in the end he really did hate me.
[ Even he thought it was weird to have to fight so hard just to be friends with someone. Something that was so effortless for others was an ordeal in his case. It was having Esikko there that brought him a clarity he worried over before. ]
He seemed to hate when I gave you attention, but I never regretted becoming friends with you.
( It's almost scary, how those first sentences ring so familiar to Esikko. Fighting with someone, being drawn in despite hostility, wanting things to either move forward or back or at least move somewhere— He lets out a soft breath, one hand shifting to reach up towards Ivan's neck, slipping fingers through his hair in the closest gesture he's learned to comfort. )
...It sounds more like he hated me.
( Quietly. It's a little curious, he thinks. Till was always a little aggressive with him, but most people were, in their own ways. Here, Esikko had just been thinking all along that he inspired that in people through his own actions. That he'd done something wrong, somehow, maybe. )
Perhaps he was jealous. ...There's someone from my home here, you know, who I hate completely. There was a time when I thought he was the only person who could ever show me any sort of attention or care, so I desperately clung to him.
But I began to realize he just wanted to keep me weak and under his thumb to feel good about himself being such a hero. It wasn't until this place that I realized I had the option of better company. It irritates him, and I'm sure he's going to gloat about how he could have saved me from dying, or whatever, rather than my friends who tried. But I'd rather die than have him lock me away somewhere for safe keeping.
( Being called a "friend" still makes him feel pretty warm, though. Even after all of his time here, he thinks he can count the number of "friends" he has on one hand. )
It makes me happy, to hear that you don't regret it. But doesn't that mean I was causing you some trouble, all that time?
[ It was funny to him that it sounded so familiar. It was like listening to someone else talk about his own life if it were viewed by a different lens. It made him think of that was what brought him to Till, and inevitably why they ended up the way they were. Listening to what happened with Esikko gives him perspective on his own situation and how they differ. ]
He didn't know enough about you to hate you. He barely wanted to know about me. But... I wouldn't say it was you. It was me.
[ For a moment, he leans in, gently bumping their foreheads together. A kiss is placed on Esikko's lips, and then he pulled back to where his head was before. ]
It's that. Till refused the whole time we knew each other. The moment I did it with someone else who was willing to show me what it's like, he hated it. I tried kissing him after that, but he continued to refuse.
Everything else he hated was a misunderstanding, but that's normal. He never tried to understand me, just pushed me away when he couldn't handle it, and pull me back in when he was ready.
A little different from what happened to you, but I ended up understanding. I feel something that sounds like how you talk about that, with a small difference. I hated till, but I loved him as much as I hated him.
And I too realized I had the option of company that understood me, and saw me when I was next to them. I would have a hard time being satisfied with the invisible existence again.
( That small kiss is so gentle, such a little gesture of kindness that warms him from the inside. Still, it feels like something that doesn't belong to him, like something stolen or manipulated in his direction— but the longer Ivan talks about it all, the more the familiar notes ring in the back of Esikko's mind, and the more he finds himself wanting to reach out himself and touch that heart. The ache there, behind calm words and rational explanations, is like a reflection in rippled water. )
You shouldn't be satisfied with that. Who would be?
( Shifting himself to half sit up, he leans more fully over Ivan, one hand reaching out to cup his cheek. )
I should tell you, I've never been a good person. I'm selfish, and greedy, and I become so afraid of loneliness that I twist words and events to make them sound as appealing as possible, if only to keep someone by my side that much longer.
That's only the start, you know? ( The breath he puffs out is like a laugh, and he leans closer, lips ghosting past Ivan's, thumb swiping over his cheek. Pink locks fall like curtains on either side of his face, blocking out the rest of the room. )
But, so long as you don't mind that... I'd like to help you feel seen.
( The kiss that follows is more insistent than the last, hungrier, searching— like he wants to get lost in it. )
[ The first thought, seeing the curtain of pink focusing his gaze on Esikko and him alone, was to Sua. For so long, he thought that she was the closest person to understanding his feelings. Of course, she was also a selfish person who only focused on the person in her heart. In turn, he thought he understood her, only to realize they had been farther apart than he thought. In that moment, he felt like he had drifted closer again to what it must have been like to be in her position.
That was why the second thought, after the moment of feeling the thud of his own heart at the feeling of his hands, of his fingers, was there was probably something wrong. Yes, Ivan still thought that it was impossible to feel anything for him, but no, that wasn't what made his heart feel conflicted. At the same time, he couldn't put into words what it was that made him feel like Esikko wouldn't say this to him.
Ivan was also a clingy person who would contort himself to fit in the world of the person closest to him. It didn't matter how appealing or not they were; Ivan stuck heavily to those he liked and cared for. If Esikko really was so detestable, that was something that could only be seen with time. Ivan was also pretty detestable.
He let the thoughts melt away with the fire of the kiss, one hand coming up to cup his cheek and the other remaining on his waist. Ivan tilted his head up into that hunger, giving a quietly pleased sound into the kiss.
All in all, he didn't mind. How could he when Esi kissed him like that? ]
( That sound alone makes him want to melt into this. Why was it driving him so crazy? It's not like he's so desperate for sex, not like he doesn't have an array of options at his disposal at any given time. But, somehow, something here is always so different, with Ivan. Electric in a way he can't pinpoint, a rush that feels so foreign he doesn't have a name for it. Is it because he feels like he's someone's first? Someone's focus?
Thinking about it for too long feels dangerous. He exhales softly against Ivan's lips in a break from the kiss, eyes shutting as he tries to focus purely on his feelings right now.
An intense need, not just for intimacy, not as simple as that. What does he want? )
It feels a little like I've come to harass you in the night... ( Mumbled against him, he peppers another couple of more chaste kisses, chest burning, face leaning into the touch of that palm. ) If you hated it, would you tell me?
[ Ivan murmured back between kisses. He could still feel it, like something was off. As much as he was soaking up the attention. Esikko was a bold man, but he was also shy with his feelings and trusting others. It was beyond him to figure out if he was trusted (or easy. He's aware he's pretty agreeable when not intentionally being an ass.) enough for such a desire to be spoken in the heat of the moment.
The cool skin against his hand was just as real as the kisses and closeless, thumb swiping slowly under his lips as he basked in the moment. For as long as it lasted, he feels seen. And no matter the reason for it, he will soak up every drop Esikko gives him.
Real or fake, he wants all of it.]
If I hated it, our relationship wouldn't be what it is.
It is sort of funny you made that bold declaration, kissed me, and yet you still second guessed yourself. That seems to be how you are, though.
( Those words unlock the fluster from Esikko that Ivan had mentioned earlier. He puffs up a little, a breath escaping like defending himself is a reflex. Embarrassing, it's embarrassing to be called out directly, to not "get away" with doing things his own clumsy way. )
What's that supposed to mean?
( But there's no real annoyance behind his words, obvious from the way he stays so close. Even if he tilts his face away from his hand, as if he's angry, one of his own hands comes up to grab it so it's not truly left empty, gripping in a gentle squeeze. )
It's just... ( What is it? He doesn't know. He doesn't know what any of this is. It feels easy, to run to Ivan like this, but why? Because he always seems to accept it and answer in kind? Because he hasn't faced rejection from him, so far? His face scrunches a little in thought, followed by a firmer kiss, a lean of his weight into it. )
I don't know. I've been struggling to sleep even more than usual, lately, so I can't think straight. I just. ( He pauses, embarrassed, struggling to admit things that he feels are weak, or pathetic, or silly, or uncalled for. But he told Ivan before, right, that he'd try to word his struggles to him? He said he wanted him to. It gives him strength, despite the pounding in his chest. ) It's hard to be alone, I think.
( It's not the perfect description, but it's a start. ) And somehow, of everyone I know, it's easiest to admit that to you.
[ Ivan smiled. The feigning annoying was familiar and good to see. It was even better that it didn't really annoy the other. The grip to his hand is what kept his eyes on the other, his eyes watching as if it would be a sin to look away. Just when he thought to try and get more out of him Esikko was kissing him again and Ivan was leaning up into it, his mind briefly blanking. ]
I understand.
[ He was also awake at an ungodly hour. He understood what it felt like to not want to be alone, and be kept awake by phantoms that aren't there. That was where the understanding ended, he felt. It wasn't that he thinks Esikko somehow feels differently than he does about laying there together, kissing, and listening to the whispers of each other's hearts. It was more wondering if there were other factors like his death or the effect from his revival that was the cause.
Despite that, he wanted to believe this is just what would have happened anyway. ]
You went through a lot so it could be many things that are keeping you awake. [ Ivan leans up once more to ghost his lips against Esikko's. ] But when you say it like that, It makes me feel like I want to be selfish and spend the dark hours burning for your attention.
[ Usually he would keep such a comment to himself, or maybe write those unspoken feelings into songs for no one. Esikko has accepted everything about him so far, and Esikko in turn was trusting him with his truth. Ivan would also try speaking the embarrassing things and the painful things out loud. ]
( It's like an arrow through his chest, somehow, those words— a direct hit that heats his cheeks and flares up the love mania he's going through. And sure, there's an enhancement there he hasn't recognized, a longing that's more emphasized the longer he lies awake. But, perhaps ironically, it's something that's been there from the start, either way. A desire for closeness, of any type, physical, emotional, more?
Whether he was dealing with this or not, Ivan's words would have made him dizzy all the same. His breath puffs out from it like he's been hit by a physical arrow, and not just some metaphorical one, playing across Ivan's warm lips as his head tilts more to slot in against him. His heart is pounding in his ears, and a palm presses against the sheets next to Ivan's face as he pins him more fully, face burning. )
I want that. ( Mumbled, quietly, before the words roll out like each consecutive one gains momentum and strength. ) I want— you. Let's be selfish together. It's fine, isn't it?
( Another kiss, this one paired with an insistence that has his tongue shamelessly drawing across Ivan's lips, eager to part them, to claim, to dance. He's getting a little bit of kickback on his own unknown ability of love, too, which is just making him dizzier by the minute, fueling a fire that's already long been lit. ) Demand my attention.
( His free hand finds its way back to Ivan's chest, sliding and groping shamelessly up it as he kisses again, only breaking for quiet breaths or words in between, intentions heating up by the minute: )
Since we're already awake, I want to spend it feeling every bit of you, in any way I can.
( He already snuck out here in the dead of the night (morning?)... so, what the hell, why can't he unleash all of his thirst in a tsunami of feeling? Tying a knot between physical intimacy and this longing for so much more is a dangerous game, in a place like this, but he's not thinking far ahead. He's thinking of the here, the now, what feels good, what's selfish. )
[ Of course it was fine, he thought to himself as he welcomed that tongue into his mouth, seeking it with his own. If they both wished to be selfish about the same thing, then it was fine. It was just for them to know and feel. He breathed in when they parted, a slow, controlled breath as his hazy gaze remains on the man pinning him desperately in place.
Another kiss and he was welcoming eagerness again, soaking in what he can only believe was a fire that had been lit in the other. He was so self-conscious about saying something so selfish, yet Esikko took it all and wanted more, and that was odd. The kiss and the touch lit fires of their own, Ivan arching into the wandering hands, his own sliding down to the hem of the sleep shirt and under to press warm hands against his lower back in small circles.
The desire for Ivan to demand his attention made his heart beat in a way it rarely did, where it felt like it was rushing in his ears and making his stomach curl in knots. He didn't know what 'feeling seen' was going to entail, but Esikko's reaction, the kisses, the words, everything made him want more. It made him feel like he could demand it.
Or, at least, he would for the night. Let it be a test for attempting to see what 'not holding back' felt like. ]
I'd be disappointed if you didn't. [ Ivan grinned into those kisses, a bit breathless. A few thought circles around in his head. How that hunger wanted to be consumed by Esikko, by the moment, by the feelings. He wanted to live in this moment of being seen and seeing the other's desire for more of Ivan's need. Expressing it, however, was difficult to sum up. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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It might be reasonable, but it might also help both of us sleep if you went with that selfish desire.
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Soooo... what do YOU desire?
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I do not get flustered! You're just surprising sometimes.
( He says, flustered... but pleased that Ivan is saying he wants him there too. Onto an elevator he goes. In his pjs. )
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Does that mean you’re surprised I said it so openly?
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( Is that what he'd say. He's teasing back to cover himself, a little. )
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Help me want something.
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A challenge, hm? I'll accept. 💖
( It's only a moment later that the door to Ivan's suite creaks open, Esikko barely poking his head in. )
Ivan...? ( Surely only one person would leave the door cracked. )
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I'm here. Come in.
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...Hehe, it feels like I'm sneaking out from the palace again to go out to the town, somehow.
( Because it's so late? Because he was quiet down the halls to avoid waking anyone up unnecessarily? He doesn't know what it is, exactly, but it makes him a little giddy, even as he presses a knee down on the bed and leans shamelessly in over Ivan. Arms hook around his shoulders, and with a little lunge, he aims to lean his whole body weight against him. Like a hug? A hug crossed with a pull down to the bed, and a kiss that he buries into his neck. )
You'll have to forgive me if I come across too eager. ( Spoken into his neck, pleased by the warmth of another. ) I'm really so restless, right now.
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The kiss makes him feel warm, but it feels less like he's too eager and more like ... something else. He doesn't really know what it is, though. Maybe Esikko was being normal, and it's Ivan's brain that was the one being weird.
No matter the answer, he turns his head and kisses the side of Esikko's face. ]
The eagerness doesn't bother me, even if I'm not used to it. I just want to resolve your restlessness so you can sleep, even if it has to happen while you're clinging to me like this.
So talk. Tell me about this restless feeling, even if it's embarrassing.
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But it's... new, to feel like drawing himself closer to someone who isn't either unhealthily obsessed with him in an aggressively toxic way or just a straight up tsundere... What is this mysterious third thing he's finding here? )
I... ( Part of him does want to share, with Ivan, because it feels easier to, because he's putting up with him coming all the way here at this hour of night. But he is embarrassed, and the longer he tries to think on it, the more that mixes around, making him feel... more manic? Because what he wants, he thinks, is more of this... He ends up laughing a little as he tries and struggles to come up with words, burying his face further, pressing his body closer. )
Well, your pictures didn't really inspire sleep. ( Coyly, he presses another kiss, sneaking a hand back and between them to press a cool palm against that bare chest. Hello... ) But it's not just wanting to be close in the way this place normally encourages, you know?
I don't know. I can't explain it, it's not something I'm used to. But... this does feel nice, just like this.
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[ It made sense, though. He didn't do anything sexual in the pictures, but they were tastefully playful and showed him off. With Esi's hand against his chest, he would imagine that they were received well despite his amateur job of it.
Wanting to be close in a way that isn't just the way this place usually is. The first thing to come to his mind was the sight of two girls holding hands and smiling at each other while he looked on. The memory reminded him of that mysterious feeling that gripped him when he realized the truth of their different situations.
Whatever Esikko was feeling, it wasn't the same as that. Yet, it still made him feel heavy. Spoiled. He shouldn't know what something like this feels like. ]
Then let's lay like this and talk about something else. Along with all of this other stuff.
[ Like the cuddling. ...He thinks this is what cuddling is. Also the kissing, which he leans in and gives Esikko another of.
This was better. ]
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( He reaffirms that easily, cool hand smoothing over Ivan's chest before he wraps it back around him in their embrace. He craves physical intimacy, because that's so easy here, because it brings him closer to people, let's him feel wanted. So, of course it's hard to not let his mind wander to how warm Ivan feels.
But there's something even nicer about the cuddling, right now. New, foreign, so warm and it's making him dizzy how giddy he feels about it. Ugh, is it his suit acting up? Or, something else?
He decides he doesn't care what the cause is, right now, and pulls back just enough to be able to look at Ivan's face. His own cheeks are a little pink, but it's hard to tell in the dark. )
Maybe we should talk about what thoughts have kept you awake, this time.
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[ He didn't have to think about it. He knew what was keeping him up and the memories that went with it. Those feelings were things he thought he was used to. It shouldn't be as heavy as it was. ]
Have you ever fought with someone while knowing it was stupid? Getting stuck arguing and having a poor relationship with someone, but keep getting drawn in regardless? All you've wished was to make something of it or stop.
[ The words were better when given in such a vague way. His hand felt idle circles against Esi's skin, his eyes searching for nothing in particular in the darkness. ]
I wanted to be greedy enough to at least be friends, but in the end he really did hate me.
[ Even he thought it was weird to have to fight so hard just to be friends with someone. Something that was so effortless for others was an ordeal in his case. It was having Esikko there that brought him a clarity he worried over before. ]
He seemed to hate when I gave you attention, but I never regretted becoming friends with you.
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...It sounds more like he hated me.
( Quietly. It's a little curious, he thinks. Till was always a little aggressive with him, but most people were, in their own ways. Here, Esikko had just been thinking all along that he inspired that in people through his own actions. That he'd done something wrong, somehow, maybe. )
Perhaps he was jealous. ...There's someone from my home here, you know, who I hate completely. There was a time when I thought he was the only person who could ever show me any sort of attention or care, so I desperately clung to him.
But I began to realize he just wanted to keep me weak and under his thumb to feel good about himself being such a hero. It wasn't until this place that I realized I had the option of better company. It irritates him, and I'm sure he's going to gloat about how he could have saved me from dying, or whatever, rather than my friends who tried. But I'd rather die than have him lock me away somewhere for safe keeping.
( Being called a "friend" still makes him feel pretty warm, though. Even after all of his time here, he thinks he can count the number of "friends" he has on one hand. )
It makes me happy, to hear that you don't regret it. But doesn't that mean I was causing you some trouble, all that time?
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He didn't know enough about you to hate you. He barely wanted to know about me. But... I wouldn't say it was you. It was me.
[ For a moment, he leans in, gently bumping their foreheads together. A kiss is placed on Esikko's lips, and then he pulled back to where his head was before. ]
It's that. Till refused the whole time we knew each other. The moment I did it with someone else who was willing to show me what it's like, he hated it. I tried kissing him after that, but he continued to refuse.
Everything else he hated was a misunderstanding, but that's normal. He never tried to understand me, just pushed me away when he couldn't handle it, and pull me back in when he was ready.
A little different from what happened to you, but I ended up understanding. I feel something that sounds like how you talk about that, with a small difference. I hated till, but I loved him as much as I hated him.
And I too realized I had the option of company that understood me, and saw me when I was next to them. I would have a hard time being satisfied with the invisible existence again.
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You shouldn't be satisfied with that. Who would be?
( Shifting himself to half sit up, he leans more fully over Ivan, one hand reaching out to cup his cheek. )
I should tell you, I've never been a good person. I'm selfish, and greedy, and I become so afraid of loneliness that I twist words and events to make them sound as appealing as possible, if only to keep someone by my side that much longer.
That's only the start, you know? ( The breath he puffs out is like a laugh, and he leans closer, lips ghosting past Ivan's, thumb swiping over his cheek. Pink locks fall like curtains on either side of his face, blocking out the rest of the room. )
But, so long as you don't mind that... I'd like to help you feel seen.
( The kiss that follows is more insistent than the last, hungrier, searching— like he wants to get lost in it. )
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That was why the second thought, after the moment of feeling the thud of his own heart at the feeling of his hands, of his fingers, was there was probably something wrong. Yes, Ivan still thought that it was impossible to feel anything for him, but no, that wasn't what made his heart feel conflicted. At the same time, he couldn't put into words what it was that made him feel like Esikko wouldn't say this to him.
Ivan was also a clingy person who would contort himself to fit in the world of the person closest to him. It didn't matter how appealing or not they were; Ivan stuck heavily to those he liked and cared for. If Esikko really was so detestable, that was something that could only be seen with time. Ivan was also pretty detestable.
He let the thoughts melt away with the fire of the kiss, one hand coming up to cup his cheek and the other remaining on his waist. Ivan tilted his head up into that hunger, giving a quietly pleased sound into the kiss.
All in all, he didn't mind. How could he when Esi kissed him like that? ]
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Thinking about it for too long feels dangerous. He exhales softly against Ivan's lips in a break from the kiss, eyes shutting as he tries to focus purely on his feelings right now.
An intense need, not just for intimacy, not as simple as that. What does he want? )
It feels a little like I've come to harass you in the night... ( Mumbled against him, he peppers another couple of more chaste kisses, chest burning, face leaning into the touch of that palm. ) If you hated it, would you tell me?
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[ Ivan murmured back between kisses. He could still feel it, like something was off. As much as he was soaking up the attention. Esikko was a bold man, but he was also shy with his feelings and trusting others. It was beyond him to figure out if he was trusted (or easy. He's aware he's pretty agreeable when not intentionally being an ass.) enough for such a desire to be spoken in the heat of the moment.
The cool skin against his hand was just as real as the kisses and closeless, thumb swiping slowly under his lips as he basked in the moment. For as long as it lasted, he feels seen. And no matter the reason for it, he will soak up every drop Esikko gives him.
Real or fake, he wants all of it.]
If I hated it, our relationship wouldn't be what it is.
It is sort of funny you made that bold declaration, kissed me, and yet you still second guessed yourself. That seems to be how you are, though.
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What's that supposed to mean?
( But there's no real annoyance behind his words, obvious from the way he stays so close. Even if he tilts his face away from his hand, as if he's angry, one of his own hands comes up to grab it so it's not truly left empty, gripping in a gentle squeeze. )
It's just... ( What is it? He doesn't know. He doesn't know what any of this is. It feels easy, to run to Ivan like this, but why? Because he always seems to accept it and answer in kind? Because he hasn't faced rejection from him, so far? His face scrunches a little in thought, followed by a firmer kiss, a lean of his weight into it. )
I don't know. I've been struggling to sleep even more than usual, lately, so I can't think straight. I just. ( He pauses, embarrassed, struggling to admit things that he feels are weak, or pathetic, or silly, or uncalled for. But he told Ivan before, right, that he'd try to word his struggles to him? He said he wanted him to. It gives him strength, despite the pounding in his chest. ) It's hard to be alone, I think.
( It's not the perfect description, but it's a start. ) And somehow, of everyone I know, it's easiest to admit that to you.
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I understand.
[ He was also awake at an ungodly hour. He understood what it felt like to not want to be alone, and be kept awake by phantoms that aren't there. That was where the understanding ended, he felt. It wasn't that he thinks Esikko somehow feels differently than he does about laying there together, kissing, and listening to the whispers of each other's hearts. It was more wondering if there were other factors like his death or the effect from his revival that was the cause.
Despite that, he wanted to believe this is just what would have happened anyway. ]
You went through a lot so it could be many things that are keeping you awake. [ Ivan leans up once more to ghost his lips against Esikko's. ] But when you say it like that, It makes me feel like I want to be selfish and spend the dark hours burning for your attention.
[ Usually he would keep such a comment to himself, or maybe write those unspoken feelings into songs for no one. Esikko has accepted everything about him so far, and Esikko in turn was trusting him with his truth. Ivan would also try speaking the embarrassing things and the painful things out loud. ]
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Whether he was dealing with this or not, Ivan's words would have made him dizzy all the same. His breath puffs out from it like he's been hit by a physical arrow, and not just some metaphorical one, playing across Ivan's warm lips as his head tilts more to slot in against him. His heart is pounding in his ears, and a palm presses against the sheets next to Ivan's face as he pins him more fully, face burning. )
I want that. ( Mumbled, quietly, before the words roll out like each consecutive one gains momentum and strength. ) I want— you. Let's be selfish together. It's fine, isn't it?
( Another kiss, this one paired with an insistence that has his tongue shamelessly drawing across Ivan's lips, eager to part them, to claim, to dance. He's getting a little bit of kickback on his own unknown ability of love, too, which is just making him dizzier by the minute, fueling a fire that's already long been lit. ) Demand my attention.
( His free hand finds its way back to Ivan's chest, sliding and groping shamelessly up it as he kisses again, only breaking for quiet breaths or words in between, intentions heating up by the minute: )
Since we're already awake, I want to spend it feeling every bit of you, in any way I can.
( He already snuck out here in the dead of the night (morning?)... so, what the hell, why can't he unleash all of his thirst in a tsunami of feeling? Tying a knot between physical intimacy and this longing for so much more is a dangerous game, in a place like this, but he's not thinking far ahead. He's thinking of the here, the now, what feels good, what's selfish. )
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Another kiss and he was welcoming eagerness again, soaking in what he can only believe was a fire that had been lit in the other. He was so self-conscious about saying something so selfish, yet Esikko took it all and wanted more, and that was odd. The kiss and the touch lit fires of their own, Ivan arching into the wandering hands, his own sliding down to the hem of the sleep shirt and under to press warm hands against his lower back in small circles.
The desire for Ivan to demand his attention made his heart beat in a way it rarely did, where it felt like it was rushing in his ears and making his stomach curl in knots. He didn't know what 'feeling seen' was going to entail, but Esikko's reaction, the kisses, the words, everything made him want more. It made him feel like he could demand it.
Or, at least, he would for the night. Let it be a test for attempting to see what 'not holding back' felt like. ]
I'd be disappointed if you didn't. [ Ivan grinned into those kisses, a bit breathless. A few thought circles around in his head. How that hunger wanted to be consumed by Esikko, by the moment, by the feelings. He wanted to live in this moment of being seen and seeing the other's desire for more of Ivan's need. Expressing it, however, was difficult to sum up. ]
Then consume me. I want to feel you.
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