( That small kiss is so gentle, such a little gesture of kindness that warms him from the inside. Still, it feels like something that doesn't belong to him, like something stolen or manipulated in his direction— but the longer Ivan talks about it all, the more the familiar notes ring in the back of Esikko's mind, and the more he finds himself wanting to reach out himself and touch that heart. The ache there, behind calm words and rational explanations, is like a reflection in rippled water. )
You shouldn't be satisfied with that. Who would be?
( Shifting himself to half sit up, he leans more fully over Ivan, one hand reaching out to cup his cheek. )
I should tell you, I've never been a good person. I'm selfish, and greedy, and I become so afraid of loneliness that I twist words and events to make them sound as appealing as possible, if only to keep someone by my side that much longer.
That's only the start, you know? ( The breath he puffs out is like a laugh, and he leans closer, lips ghosting past Ivan's, thumb swiping over his cheek. Pink locks fall like curtains on either side of his face, blocking out the rest of the room. )
But, so long as you don't mind that... I'd like to help you feel seen.
( The kiss that follows is more insistent than the last, hungrier, searching— like he wants to get lost in it. )
[ The first thought, seeing the curtain of pink focusing his gaze on Esikko and him alone, was to Sua. For so long, he thought that she was the closest person to understanding his feelings. Of course, she was also a selfish person who only focused on the person in her heart. In turn, he thought he understood her, only to realize they had been farther apart than he thought. In that moment, he felt like he had drifted closer again to what it must have been like to be in her position.
That was why the second thought, after the moment of feeling the thud of his own heart at the feeling of his hands, of his fingers, was there was probably something wrong. Yes, Ivan still thought that it was impossible to feel anything for him, but no, that wasn't what made his heart feel conflicted. At the same time, he couldn't put into words what it was that made him feel like Esikko wouldn't say this to him.
Ivan was also a clingy person who would contort himself to fit in the world of the person closest to him. It didn't matter how appealing or not they were; Ivan stuck heavily to those he liked and cared for. If Esikko really was so detestable, that was something that could only be seen with time. Ivan was also pretty detestable.
He let the thoughts melt away with the fire of the kiss, one hand coming up to cup his cheek and the other remaining on his waist. Ivan tilted his head up into that hunger, giving a quietly pleased sound into the kiss.
All in all, he didn't mind. How could he when Esi kissed him like that? ]
( That sound alone makes him want to melt into this. Why was it driving him so crazy? It's not like he's so desperate for sex, not like he doesn't have an array of options at his disposal at any given time. But, somehow, something here is always so different, with Ivan. Electric in a way he can't pinpoint, a rush that feels so foreign he doesn't have a name for it. Is it because he feels like he's someone's first? Someone's focus?
Thinking about it for too long feels dangerous. He exhales softly against Ivan's lips in a break from the kiss, eyes shutting as he tries to focus purely on his feelings right now.
An intense need, not just for intimacy, not as simple as that. What does he want? )
It feels a little like I've come to harass you in the night... ( Mumbled against him, he peppers another couple of more chaste kisses, chest burning, face leaning into the touch of that palm. ) If you hated it, would you tell me?
[ Ivan murmured back between kisses. He could still feel it, like something was off. As much as he was soaking up the attention. Esikko was a bold man, but he was also shy with his feelings and trusting others. It was beyond him to figure out if he was trusted (or easy. He's aware he's pretty agreeable when not intentionally being an ass.) enough for such a desire to be spoken in the heat of the moment.
The cool skin against his hand was just as real as the kisses and closeless, thumb swiping slowly under his lips as he basked in the moment. For as long as it lasted, he feels seen. And no matter the reason for it, he will soak up every drop Esikko gives him.
Real or fake, he wants all of it.]
If I hated it, our relationship wouldn't be what it is.
It is sort of funny you made that bold declaration, kissed me, and yet you still second guessed yourself. That seems to be how you are, though.
( Those words unlock the fluster from Esikko that Ivan had mentioned earlier. He puffs up a little, a breath escaping like defending himself is a reflex. Embarrassing, it's embarrassing to be called out directly, to not "get away" with doing things his own clumsy way. )
What's that supposed to mean?
( But there's no real annoyance behind his words, obvious from the way he stays so close. Even if he tilts his face away from his hand, as if he's angry, one of his own hands comes up to grab it so it's not truly left empty, gripping in a gentle squeeze. )
It's just... ( What is it? He doesn't know. He doesn't know what any of this is. It feels easy, to run to Ivan like this, but why? Because he always seems to accept it and answer in kind? Because he hasn't faced rejection from him, so far? His face scrunches a little in thought, followed by a firmer kiss, a lean of his weight into it. )
I don't know. I've been struggling to sleep even more than usual, lately, so I can't think straight. I just. ( He pauses, embarrassed, struggling to admit things that he feels are weak, or pathetic, or silly, or uncalled for. But he told Ivan before, right, that he'd try to word his struggles to him? He said he wanted him to. It gives him strength, despite the pounding in his chest. ) It's hard to be alone, I think.
( It's not the perfect description, but it's a start. ) And somehow, of everyone I know, it's easiest to admit that to you.
[ Ivan smiled. The feigning annoying was familiar and good to see. It was even better that it didn't really annoy the other. The grip to his hand is what kept his eyes on the other, his eyes watching as if it would be a sin to look away. Just when he thought to try and get more out of him Esikko was kissing him again and Ivan was leaning up into it, his mind briefly blanking. ]
I understand.
[ He was also awake at an ungodly hour. He understood what it felt like to not want to be alone, and be kept awake by phantoms that aren't there. That was where the understanding ended, he felt. It wasn't that he thinks Esikko somehow feels differently than he does about laying there together, kissing, and listening to the whispers of each other's hearts. It was more wondering if there were other factors like his death or the effect from his revival that was the cause.
Despite that, he wanted to believe this is just what would have happened anyway. ]
You went through a lot so it could be many things that are keeping you awake. [ Ivan leans up once more to ghost his lips against Esikko's. ] But when you say it like that, It makes me feel like I want to be selfish and spend the dark hours burning for your attention.
[ Usually he would keep such a comment to himself, or maybe write those unspoken feelings into songs for no one. Esikko has accepted everything about him so far, and Esikko in turn was trusting him with his truth. Ivan would also try speaking the embarrassing things and the painful things out loud. ]
( It's like an arrow through his chest, somehow, those words— a direct hit that heats his cheeks and flares up the love mania he's going through. And sure, there's an enhancement there he hasn't recognized, a longing that's more emphasized the longer he lies awake. But, perhaps ironically, it's something that's been there from the start, either way. A desire for closeness, of any type, physical, emotional, more?
Whether he was dealing with this or not, Ivan's words would have made him dizzy all the same. His breath puffs out from it like he's been hit by a physical arrow, and not just some metaphorical one, playing across Ivan's warm lips as his head tilts more to slot in against him. His heart is pounding in his ears, and a palm presses against the sheets next to Ivan's face as he pins him more fully, face burning. )
I want that. ( Mumbled, quietly, before the words roll out like each consecutive one gains momentum and strength. ) I want— you. Let's be selfish together. It's fine, isn't it?
( Another kiss, this one paired with an insistence that has his tongue shamelessly drawing across Ivan's lips, eager to part them, to claim, to dance. He's getting a little bit of kickback on his own unknown ability of love, too, which is just making him dizzier by the minute, fueling a fire that's already long been lit. ) Demand my attention.
( His free hand finds its way back to Ivan's chest, sliding and groping shamelessly up it as he kisses again, only breaking for quiet breaths or words in between, intentions heating up by the minute: )
Since we're already awake, I want to spend it feeling every bit of you, in any way I can.
( He already snuck out here in the dead of the night (morning?)... so, what the hell, why can't he unleash all of his thirst in a tsunami of feeling? Tying a knot between physical intimacy and this longing for so much more is a dangerous game, in a place like this, but he's not thinking far ahead. He's thinking of the here, the now, what feels good, what's selfish. )
[ Of course it was fine, he thought to himself as he welcomed that tongue into his mouth, seeking it with his own. If they both wished to be selfish about the same thing, then it was fine. It was just for them to know and feel. He breathed in when they parted, a slow, controlled breath as his hazy gaze remains on the man pinning him desperately in place.
Another kiss and he was welcoming eagerness again, soaking in what he can only believe was a fire that had been lit in the other. He was so self-conscious about saying something so selfish, yet Esikko took it all and wanted more, and that was odd. The kiss and the touch lit fires of their own, Ivan arching into the wandering hands, his own sliding down to the hem of the sleep shirt and under to press warm hands against his lower back in small circles.
The desire for Ivan to demand his attention made his heart beat in a way it rarely did, where it felt like it was rushing in his ears and making his stomach curl in knots. He didn't know what 'feeling seen' was going to entail, but Esikko's reaction, the kisses, the words, everything made him want more. It made him feel like he could demand it.
Or, at least, he would for the night. Let it be a test for attempting to see what 'not holding back' felt like. ]
I'd be disappointed if you didn't. [ Ivan grinned into those kisses, a bit breathless. A few thought circles around in his head. How that hunger wanted to be consumed by Esikko, by the moment, by the feelings. He wanted to live in this moment of being seen and seeing the other's desire for more of Ivan's need. Expressing it, however, was difficult to sum up. ]
( Esikko answers those words in the best way he knows how: a kiss, deeper than the last, overflowing with feelings that feed on themselves and grow more intense by the second. He's weak and frail, but the way he leans into these kisses is like he's trying to pour his whole soul into them— like he's waiting to draw out the same from Ivan.
Consume me, he'd said, and Esikko tries to do just that. He tries to taste him, to map every bit of his tongue out with his own, to breathe him in between soft gasps and greedy shifts of his own eager body. The hand exploring Ivan's chest dips down further to begin yanking at the waistband of the other man's pants, insistent on getting them out of the way. If he's not stopped, his only break from kisses are to slip from his own just the same, to push cloth out of the way wherever he can and toss it aside, or leave it half tangled with their bodies as his lips press lower, down his jaw, nipping at his neck.
Maybe he should ask, first, should stop to question, but he doesn't— a kiss to Ivan's neck turns to a nip, to a bite and a hard sucking, with every intention to leave a blatant mark. )
[ Ivan had wondered previously if he had experienced kissing in its entirety. He liked kissing, and he enjoyed it with Esikko, but being kissed like this was different. His voice came out on its own, low and choked on his own need to taste that intensity and answer it with his own (attempt). Their crashing tongues and roaming feel of their hands brought familiar pinpricks of tears to his eyes, trying his best to hold it in. He hardly wanted to attempt to explain why he was shedding tears at a time like this.
He was eager to help to strip each other down. Once his pants were shoved down, he was already kicking them off and away, barely giving them more thought than him not wanting them in the way of him having this time with Esikko. His hands gripped the other's sleep shirt, pulling it up when their lips part and Ivan can take a deep, hungry breath to fill his lungs and lick the taste of the other off his lips.
Seeking hands moved around, exploring and feeling their way around, as if he would warm Esikko with touch alone. Being tangled with another where he barely remembers where he starts and ends was dizzying. One of his hands rose, tangling in his hair at the back of the other's head as he leaned his own back and away to give him more access to his neck. Ivan's voice wrung out in a shuttering groan, hissing at the biting and marking. This would be one mark he didn't mind wearing and showing.
With one free hand, it made the most of its freedom. It still wanted to touch, grope, and know every part of him, leaving light scratches in his wake. ]
( If tears do slip free of Ivan's eyes, they're noted but not commented on. Nothing could stop Esikko from continuing, at this point, he thinks— it's too nice, this energy between them, the rustling of the sheets, the soft gasps and moans and scratches and groans. Contact like this warms Esikko's body temperature, too, even if only slightly, so that icy chill begins to die down into something more bearable, swallowed by the heat created between two people.
His breath shudders out over the hickey he's left, dizzy and excited at the prospect of it, soaking in the touch of hands grabbing down his body. He loves it, he wants more, impossibly more, and so he speaks against wet skin: )
Your nails... feel nice.
( Quiet, encouraging, as he kisses lower still. Another sting of a bite, though he sucks a little less for this one, too distracted by the various curves of Ivan's body. His neck to his shoulder, his collarbones, his chest— one of his hands dips lower, ghosting up the shape of a now-bare thigh to see how Ivan reacts, teasing in one area even as he goes all out in another. He likes playing with the contrast, drawing out those sounds, drawing out words, or more actions. He wants it. )
[ Ivan should grab the lube, he thinks to himself. It wasn't even far from them. The bedside table was off to their left. That would mean removing his hands from Esikko and that seemed like a daunting task at the moment. The compliment made him want to discover what else felt nice to the other. Just doing what feels good was usually how they did things when they were together, but right now he wanted to know what more about what makes Esikko feel that way.
He sucked in a breath with the touch, keening and moving his legs apart to give the other the ability to touch him more. Anywhere his hand wanted to go, Ivan would allow. His own scratched reminders where ever he touched. Everywhere he could put his hands. If he could warm cold skin with just those, it almost seemed like he was trying. The hand at the back of Esikko's head gripped his hair, but didn't pull. He wanted Esikko's mouth, and he wouldn't deprive himself of that. ]
I like the marks, [ He says, quiet and content. ] Especially when I can't hide them.
( The words come with a lift of amusement. The hand in his hair may not tug, but he seems to react positively to it, tilting back into the touch, lifting his head as if he can predict that's what Ivan wants. And again, his lips find pale skin, and his teeth scrape after them, too eager to take him up on the idea of marking him where he can't hide it.
He absolutely wants to stake claim to something that isn't his, after all. Wants to make others jealous, even if he'd get jealous himself, even if he's also been marked up by others before. It's all part of this complicated little game of emotions, but how can anyone avoid falling into it? Especially anyone like him, who craves so much of it, who would do anything to continue feeling those warm hands over his body.
Cool fingers draw little hearts along Ivan's thigh, working their way up the spread of his legs until he can cup shamelessly at the shape of his balls, up the base of his shaft. Esikko's breath puffs out sharper after the next mark he leaves, growing more excited, only encouraged by the height of his emotions spurred on by this mania. Fingers wrap around Ivan's length, a slow stroke trying to map out exactly what causes this man to react the most, testing the edges of his patience. )
Ivan. ( He speaks his name softly, nipping along the underside of his jaw until he can lean back up to those lips, kissing harder, forceful, a little too hungry. He only breaks to manage more words, another slow stroke accompanying them. ) One by one, I want to discover all of your favorite things. The keys to undoing you, you know?
( Carefully, his thumb swipes over the head of his dick, pressing over sensitive skin in a way that's entirely too slow, mumbling against his lips as he does. Each word is accented with the squeezing stroke of his hand, fingers curving and tracing around him in search of spots that are the most sensitive. )
Like, is this too slow? Do you enjoy it, having it drawn out when it's almost too much? Does it make you want to take control and speed it up? Or maybe... are you the type to try and wait it out, to hold yourself back until you can't take it anymore?
[ He could admit to himself that it was fun to tempt him. To feel the lips against his throat and the hands eager to feel their way wherever they pleased. To tempted him into doing more was thrilling. Having someone so exciting like this was tantalizing.
He wanted to dig his way deeper into Esikko, to carve something into this memory; be it marks, scratches, or something more. Ivan was aware his own need and greed were too much. So even now he was pacing those darker, needier parts of him. Still, it wasn't something he felt burdened by, especially when his lips came together to kiss at him when Esikko was coming up.
The seeking affection connected, pouring his own hunger into the clash of their lips. He could bite and crash and war with his tongue, as if they could imprint themselves in a kiss to be consumed. But his desperation could be partially owed to the ministrations of the hand expertly handling him in such slow and meaningful ways that took it's time to draw the warm coil in his gut.
It was maddeningly difficult to keep his hips from jerking his hips up into the touch. His face was flushed red, only taking a needy breath when Esikko starts to speak again.]
You know me annoyingly well. [ Maybe it was more that they are alike in some ways that Esikko could hazard good guesses. At some point, he had thought of all of those options, but settled on an answer while staring up into Esikko's eyes and panting slowly. The beading of precum at his tip was doing better at weeping than the sting of tears did. ]
I'm enjoying it far too much. How much you're focused on wanting to take me apart. It's made me want to endure as much as I can so you don't get bored with me. But... yes, I'll show you anything you want to know.
This pace is going to make me beg. I want so much of you, but the touch has forced my focus solely on you. Every part of me is focused on you and your touch now.
( Esikko practically purrs those words out, incredibly pleased by the way Ivan is reacting. Words like this send shivers up his spine, a tingle that has his own arousal aching in longing. He strokes back up and along the length of Ivan's shaft, palm smearing over the drip of precum before dragging it back down. Slow, tortuous, teasing. )
I think I'd like to hear you beg... Maybe your truths lie in the desperation of a moment, hmm?
( He squeezes with more pressure along the base of his cock, his own hips rolling into a slow grind against Ivan's thigh, breath ghosting against the damp, marked skin of his neck as he does. He feels like he's going to go insane, going this slow, but if he can work Ivan into a frenzy all the same? It'll be well worth the heat building in his stomach, winding into tense knots ready to spring loose. )
What is it that you want the most, I wonder? To be inside of me? What about my mouth? Or... ( He blows out a little puff of air against Ivan's ear, followed by the grazing of his teeth against his earlobe. Another stroke or two moves faster, keeping his interest, picking up the pace just enough to give him a taste of it. ) ...Maybe you'd like it if I took you myself?
( He's having too much fun. He strokes more, varying his squeezing, his own breaths short and eager. )
Can you stretch out and reach the lube without stopping me from playing with you? Go on and try~.
[ Usually those sorts of words would roll over him like water. Most of the time they were meaningless. The purr, however, sends a shiver down his own spine, choking back a sound from the torturously slow touch. He couldn't tell if it was the touch or the teasing that was making him feel like he was losing his grip. ]
Which truth? What I want to do, or what I want?
[ Even with the evident pant in his breath, he could still be cheeky. His mind had been turning over all of those possibilities in little fantasies, many like what Esikko had described. Losing his grip and pinning Esikko down was once that came to his mind in waves. It was so hard to focus when his eyes were fluttering shut and a growl was rolling out of his throat. Ivan was truly going to lose his mind over Esikko's teasings.
A desperate hand darted out to the side, reaching for the bedside table. It was agonizing to stay still for Esikko while his hand maneuvered. His eyes wouldn't dare look anywhere else, even while his hand was feeling around and pulling the drawer open with slipping fingertips. It took a couple of short pulls to get it open, pausing only to bite back a more pleading whine with the faster pace suddenly. The hand moved faster, diving into the drawer, searching around for the feel of the plastic bottle and pulling it out with a relieved sigh.
The drawer was abandoned once the bottle was in hand. He'll close it eventually. The bottle was put down close to them, Ivan's hands eager to go back to touching Esikko, grabbing his hips and ass, lifting more into him to search for relief.]
I want to do what's going to make you feel the most wanted. I want to cut a mark deep enough that you'll keep coming back.
[ How he wanted to make that mark was really the question, but his mind was still reeling over how hard he was to resist when he was like this. Even someone as disconnected as him was becoming desperate.]
If I have to choose something tangible, I want to be inside you. I don't care how.
( Having the presence of mind to make that cheeky little comment tells Esikko that he's not quite there yet. It's cute, though, the way he tries to hold himself together, the words that cross between too formal and too blunt like he's really struggling to be human at all, the eager little grasps at his hips. He does feel wanted, right now, but it's going to feel even better when Ivan does snap and lose some of that control.
Whatever way that happens, whether in embarrassing little whines and begging or forcing him over into a pin, doesn't really matter. It's the thrill of it that Esikko is after, the control regardless of his own position that he feels like he can have over Ivan, like this— it feels too nice. It's downright addicting. Intoxicating.
So it does make him smile, a little, that he says he wants to make him feel wanted. That's his goal too, after all. To be wanted. )
Hehe... ( A quiet little giggle of a laugh, matched with a grasp to the side to snatch that bottle up. It means his hand abandons Ivan's length for that short period of time, adding to that throbbing ache as he makes a show of flicking the lid open and squeezing a bit into his own palm. It's a clean motion, maybe too-practiced, but the bottle gets forgotten aside as he brings his lube-slick palm back to Ivan, smearing it across the length of his shaft. )
I'll feel the most wanted when that tense cord of yours finally snaps. ( His fingers squeeze and curve around him, palm rubbing against his tip before sliding back down, ensuring there's a thorough coat of slick. ) Your patience, I mean. When you stop holding back.
( Because he feels like he can see it, in the muffling of his noises, in the shortness of his breath matched with little lifts of his hips. His lips crash back into Ivan's, hand once more abandoning the other man— but only temporarily, so that he can slip two fingers into himself, burying the soft noise that it draws out into another deep kiss. His own cock presses in the lean of his body against Ivan's thigh, hard and aching with his own desire. It's taking every bit of self control to go this slow, to take the time to finger himself for any sort of prep, but he's trying to drive him even more insane. More desperate, more—
He whispers against his lips in between the kiss, a stop for only a breath and a few words: ) I'm yours for tonight, so cut as deep as you want.
[ Esikko was trying while Ivan already felt himself on the edge of his sanity. It was bad when It was merely touches and kisses. This was worse. The control seesawed back and forth with the struggle to wait and not take him with wild abandon. Ivan was able to get out the way he wanted them to be together, but now came the next text.
The release of his cock was an ache that felt criminal. To be bereft of his touch was almost enough to snap that taut cord in his chest, Ivan breathing out slowly. His hands shot out to hold Esikko's cheeks faster than he even realized he moved, eyes wide. It was just a short moment, but it was enough to break his control and push him that much closer to snapping the final threads.
A breath hisses out when he feels that hand again, his breath shuttering. He didn't know how much longer he could hold back. It was burning away at years and years of practiced detachment. Now he felt like the only thing that could satisfy him in that moment was all of him.
The kiss crashed over his lips the moment he snapped. It was enough before, but now he was on the cusp of getting to be inside him and nothing felt like enough anymore. Every soft sound washed over him like a boon. ]
Yi Seul... Yiseul...
[ It was too slow. He couldn't handle it anymore. With glazed eyes, his hands move down to wrap his arms around him and push up and to the side to maneuver. He didn't want to hurt him, but that 'right mind' was no longer the one controlling the way he presses his body against Esikko with another low call of that name just for him, kissing him with need and adjusting his body against him to pin him in place and rut desperately while getting into position.
His hands adjusted down to grab the other's hips, Ivan's lips trailing kisses and bites down his jaw to his neck. Without a second thought he bit down, reaching between them, to press his tip at his entrance so he could slide in. ]
( He was expecting to break Ivan's control— that had been the purpose, after all, to tease and poke and prod and lure him along to it, to drive him insane enough to feel as thoroughly wanted as possible, to fill this void in his heart driven by this longing for closeness— but he hadn't expected that it would snap his own so thoroughly in one swipe, either.
Yi Seul.
The name sounds out of Ivan's lips in a moan, and the breath slips entirely from his own lungs in a soft exhale, heavy with an emotion he can't describe. His name, again, his chosen name, and just as he's reeling from the way he feels getting to hear that in such an intimate moment, his world tips, and the soft plush of the mattress meets his back as Ivan's form leans over him.
His heart is pounding so hard, so loud, that he swears he can feel it in his throat, in his temples, in the tips of his fingers that now wrap and trail lightly along the shape of Ivan's back. His whole body feels on fire, despite the cool temperature of his skin, and he's flushed for it all the same. In the dark of this room, though, there's only the rustling of the sheets, the harshness of their shared breaths, and two hands at his hips pulling him into the meeting of their bodies. A bite joined with the press inside of him has him gasping out louder than he normally does, voice cracking into a moan that's more embarrassing than he normally allows himself. )
Ah‐
( Fuck— warmth blossoms from everywhere Ivan touches him. Inside of him, at the bite of his neck, at the fingers at his hips. His grip on his own words that had been previously forcing them closer to this edge has been lost in the moment, now, and he's out of them. Instead, his back arches, his head tilts back to press into the bed as he soaks into the desire radiating from Ivan. One arm slips free from his loose hold on Ivan to flop uselessly against the sheets, twisting into them as he pants out, eyes lidded with a longing that's out in far more plain view than he'd normally prefer. )
Ivan... ( Softly, a little choked, as he forces himself to relax, hips lifting to try and welcome Ivan closer, deeper. His legs, too, move in antsy squirms, one knee hooking itself around the back of Ivan's as if to anchor him in place. The hand that hasn't dropped away slips back up to lace through dark hair, twisting into a tight hold as he continues. ) Don't stop.
( Insistent, almost threatening, like there's a don't you dare tucked away in there that he doesn't have the breath to get out. He doesn't want him to back off just because he's been fragile in some ways. He wants to feel everything. Wants every intense emotion he can grasp at. )
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no subject
You shouldn't be satisfied with that. Who would be?
( Shifting himself to half sit up, he leans more fully over Ivan, one hand reaching out to cup his cheek. )
I should tell you, I've never been a good person. I'm selfish, and greedy, and I become so afraid of loneliness that I twist words and events to make them sound as appealing as possible, if only to keep someone by my side that much longer.
That's only the start, you know? ( The breath he puffs out is like a laugh, and he leans closer, lips ghosting past Ivan's, thumb swiping over his cheek. Pink locks fall like curtains on either side of his face, blocking out the rest of the room. )
But, so long as you don't mind that... I'd like to help you feel seen.
( The kiss that follows is more insistent than the last, hungrier, searching— like he wants to get lost in it. )
no subject
That was why the second thought, after the moment of feeling the thud of his own heart at the feeling of his hands, of his fingers, was there was probably something wrong. Yes, Ivan still thought that it was impossible to feel anything for him, but no, that wasn't what made his heart feel conflicted. At the same time, he couldn't put into words what it was that made him feel like Esikko wouldn't say this to him.
Ivan was also a clingy person who would contort himself to fit in the world of the person closest to him. It didn't matter how appealing or not they were; Ivan stuck heavily to those he liked and cared for. If Esikko really was so detestable, that was something that could only be seen with time. Ivan was also pretty detestable.
He let the thoughts melt away with the fire of the kiss, one hand coming up to cup his cheek and the other remaining on his waist. Ivan tilted his head up into that hunger, giving a quietly pleased sound into the kiss.
All in all, he didn't mind. How could he when Esi kissed him like that? ]
no subject
Thinking about it for too long feels dangerous. He exhales softly against Ivan's lips in a break from the kiss, eyes shutting as he tries to focus purely on his feelings right now.
An intense need, not just for intimacy, not as simple as that. What does he want? )
It feels a little like I've come to harass you in the night... ( Mumbled against him, he peppers another couple of more chaste kisses, chest burning, face leaning into the touch of that palm. ) If you hated it, would you tell me?
no subject
[ Ivan murmured back between kisses. He could still feel it, like something was off. As much as he was soaking up the attention. Esikko was a bold man, but he was also shy with his feelings and trusting others. It was beyond him to figure out if he was trusted (or easy. He's aware he's pretty agreeable when not intentionally being an ass.) enough for such a desire to be spoken in the heat of the moment.
The cool skin against his hand was just as real as the kisses and closeless, thumb swiping slowly under his lips as he basked in the moment. For as long as it lasted, he feels seen. And no matter the reason for it, he will soak up every drop Esikko gives him.
Real or fake, he wants all of it.]
If I hated it, our relationship wouldn't be what it is.
It is sort of funny you made that bold declaration, kissed me, and yet you still second guessed yourself. That seems to be how you are, though.
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What's that supposed to mean?
( But there's no real annoyance behind his words, obvious from the way he stays so close. Even if he tilts his face away from his hand, as if he's angry, one of his own hands comes up to grab it so it's not truly left empty, gripping in a gentle squeeze. )
It's just... ( What is it? He doesn't know. He doesn't know what any of this is. It feels easy, to run to Ivan like this, but why? Because he always seems to accept it and answer in kind? Because he hasn't faced rejection from him, so far? His face scrunches a little in thought, followed by a firmer kiss, a lean of his weight into it. )
I don't know. I've been struggling to sleep even more than usual, lately, so I can't think straight. I just. ( He pauses, embarrassed, struggling to admit things that he feels are weak, or pathetic, or silly, or uncalled for. But he told Ivan before, right, that he'd try to word his struggles to him? He said he wanted him to. It gives him strength, despite the pounding in his chest. ) It's hard to be alone, I think.
( It's not the perfect description, but it's a start. ) And somehow, of everyone I know, it's easiest to admit that to you.
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I understand.
[ He was also awake at an ungodly hour. He understood what it felt like to not want to be alone, and be kept awake by phantoms that aren't there. That was where the understanding ended, he felt. It wasn't that he thinks Esikko somehow feels differently than he does about laying there together, kissing, and listening to the whispers of each other's hearts. It was more wondering if there were other factors like his death or the effect from his revival that was the cause.
Despite that, he wanted to believe this is just what would have happened anyway. ]
You went through a lot so it could be many things that are keeping you awake. [ Ivan leans up once more to ghost his lips against Esikko's. ] But when you say it like that, It makes me feel like I want to be selfish and spend the dark hours burning for your attention.
[ Usually he would keep such a comment to himself, or maybe write those unspoken feelings into songs for no one. Esikko has accepted everything about him so far, and Esikko in turn was trusting him with his truth. Ivan would also try speaking the embarrassing things and the painful things out loud. ]
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Whether he was dealing with this or not, Ivan's words would have made him dizzy all the same. His breath puffs out from it like he's been hit by a physical arrow, and not just some metaphorical one, playing across Ivan's warm lips as his head tilts more to slot in against him. His heart is pounding in his ears, and a palm presses against the sheets next to Ivan's face as he pins him more fully, face burning. )
I want that. ( Mumbled, quietly, before the words roll out like each consecutive one gains momentum and strength. ) I want— you. Let's be selfish together. It's fine, isn't it?
( Another kiss, this one paired with an insistence that has his tongue shamelessly drawing across Ivan's lips, eager to part them, to claim, to dance. He's getting a little bit of kickback on his own unknown ability of love, too, which is just making him dizzier by the minute, fueling a fire that's already long been lit. ) Demand my attention.
( His free hand finds its way back to Ivan's chest, sliding and groping shamelessly up it as he kisses again, only breaking for quiet breaths or words in between, intentions heating up by the minute: )
Since we're already awake, I want to spend it feeling every bit of you, in any way I can.
( He already snuck out here in the dead of the night (morning?)... so, what the hell, why can't he unleash all of his thirst in a tsunami of feeling? Tying a knot between physical intimacy and this longing for so much more is a dangerous game, in a place like this, but he's not thinking far ahead. He's thinking of the here, the now, what feels good, what's selfish. )
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Another kiss and he was welcoming eagerness again, soaking in what he can only believe was a fire that had been lit in the other. He was so self-conscious about saying something so selfish, yet Esikko took it all and wanted more, and that was odd. The kiss and the touch lit fires of their own, Ivan arching into the wandering hands, his own sliding down to the hem of the sleep shirt and under to press warm hands against his lower back in small circles.
The desire for Ivan to demand his attention made his heart beat in a way it rarely did, where it felt like it was rushing in his ears and making his stomach curl in knots. He didn't know what 'feeling seen' was going to entail, but Esikko's reaction, the kisses, the words, everything made him want more. It made him feel like he could demand it.
Or, at least, he would for the night. Let it be a test for attempting to see what 'not holding back' felt like. ]
I'd be disappointed if you didn't. [ Ivan grinned into those kisses, a bit breathless. A few thought circles around in his head. How that hunger wanted to be consumed by Esikko, by the moment, by the feelings. He wanted to live in this moment of being seen and seeing the other's desire for more of Ivan's need. Expressing it, however, was difficult to sum up. ]
Then consume me. I want to feel you.
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Consume me, he'd said, and Esikko tries to do just that. He tries to taste him, to map every bit of his tongue out with his own, to breathe him in between soft gasps and greedy shifts of his own eager body. The hand exploring Ivan's chest dips down further to begin yanking at the waistband of the other man's pants, insistent on getting them out of the way. If he's not stopped, his only break from kisses are to slip from his own just the same, to push cloth out of the way wherever he can and toss it aside, or leave it half tangled with their bodies as his lips press lower, down his jaw, nipping at his neck.
Maybe he should ask, first, should stop to question, but he doesn't— a kiss to Ivan's neck turns to a nip, to a bite and a hard sucking, with every intention to leave a blatant mark. )
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He was eager to help to strip each other down. Once his pants were shoved down, he was already kicking them off and away, barely giving them more thought than him not wanting them in the way of him having this time with Esikko. His hands gripped the other's sleep shirt, pulling it up when their lips part and Ivan can take a deep, hungry breath to fill his lungs and lick the taste of the other off his lips.
Seeking hands moved around, exploring and feeling their way around, as if he would warm Esikko with touch alone. Being tangled with another where he barely remembers where he starts and ends was dizzying. One of his hands rose, tangling in his hair at the back of the other's head as he leaned his own back and away to give him more access to his neck. Ivan's voice wrung out in a shuttering groan, hissing at the biting and marking. This would be one mark he didn't mind wearing and showing.
With one free hand, it made the most of its freedom. It still wanted to touch, grope, and know every part of him, leaving light scratches in his wake. ]
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His breath shudders out over the hickey he's left, dizzy and excited at the prospect of it, soaking in the touch of hands grabbing down his body. He loves it, he wants more, impossibly more, and so he speaks against wet skin: )
Your nails... feel nice.
( Quiet, encouraging, as he kisses lower still. Another sting of a bite, though he sucks a little less for this one, too distracted by the various curves of Ivan's body. His neck to his shoulder, his collarbones, his chest— one of his hands dips lower, ghosting up the shape of a now-bare thigh to see how Ivan reacts, teasing in one area even as he goes all out in another. He likes playing with the contrast, drawing out those sounds, drawing out words, or more actions. He wants it. )
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He sucked in a breath with the touch, keening and moving his legs apart to give the other the ability to touch him more. Anywhere his hand wanted to go, Ivan would allow. His own scratched reminders where ever he touched. Everywhere he could put his hands. If he could warm cold skin with just those, it almost seemed like he was trying. The hand at the back of Esikko's head gripped his hair, but didn't pull. He wanted Esikko's mouth, and he wouldn't deprive himself of that. ]
I like the marks, [ He says, quiet and content. ] Especially when I can't hide them.
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( The words come with a lift of amusement. The hand in his hair may not tug, but he seems to react positively to it, tilting back into the touch, lifting his head as if he can predict that's what Ivan wants. And again, his lips find pale skin, and his teeth scrape after them, too eager to take him up on the idea of marking him where he can't hide it.
He absolutely wants to stake claim to something that isn't his, after all. Wants to make others jealous, even if he'd get jealous himself, even if he's also been marked up by others before. It's all part of this complicated little game of emotions, but how can anyone avoid falling into it? Especially anyone like him, who craves so much of it, who would do anything to continue feeling those warm hands over his body.
Cool fingers draw little hearts along Ivan's thigh, working their way up the spread of his legs until he can cup shamelessly at the shape of his balls, up the base of his shaft. Esikko's breath puffs out sharper after the next mark he leaves, growing more excited, only encouraged by the height of his emotions spurred on by this mania. Fingers wrap around Ivan's length, a slow stroke trying to map out exactly what causes this man to react the most, testing the edges of his patience. )
Ivan. ( He speaks his name softly, nipping along the underside of his jaw until he can lean back up to those lips, kissing harder, forceful, a little too hungry. He only breaks to manage more words, another slow stroke accompanying them. ) One by one, I want to discover all of your favorite things. The keys to undoing you, you know?
( Carefully, his thumb swipes over the head of his dick, pressing over sensitive skin in a way that's entirely too slow, mumbling against his lips as he does. Each word is accented with the squeezing stroke of his hand, fingers curving and tracing around him in search of spots that are the most sensitive. )
Like, is this too slow? Do you enjoy it, having it drawn out when it's almost too much? Does it make you want to take control and speed it up? Or maybe... are you the type to try and wait it out, to hold yourself back until you can't take it anymore?
You'll show me what you like, won't you?
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He wanted to dig his way deeper into Esikko, to carve something into this memory; be it marks, scratches, or something more. Ivan was aware his own need and greed were too much. So even now he was pacing those darker, needier parts of him. Still, it wasn't something he felt burdened by, especially when his lips came together to kiss at him when Esikko was coming up.
The seeking affection connected, pouring his own hunger into the clash of their lips. He could bite and crash and war with his tongue, as if they could imprint themselves in a kiss to be consumed. But his desperation could be partially owed to the ministrations of the hand expertly handling him in such slow and meaningful ways that took it's time to draw the warm coil in his gut.
It was maddeningly difficult to keep his hips from jerking his hips up into the touch. His face was flushed red, only taking a needy breath when Esikko starts to speak again.]
You know me annoyingly well. [ Maybe it was more that they are alike in some ways that Esikko could hazard good guesses. At some point, he had thought of all of those options, but settled on an answer while staring up into Esikko's eyes and panting slowly. The beading of precum at his tip was doing better at weeping than the sting of tears did. ]
I'm enjoying it far too much. How much you're focused on wanting to take me apart. It's made me want to endure as much as I can so you don't get bored with me. But... yes, I'll show you anything you want to know.
This pace is going to make me beg. I want so much of you, but the touch has forced my focus solely on you. Every part of me is focused on you and your touch now.
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( Esikko practically purrs those words out, incredibly pleased by the way Ivan is reacting. Words like this send shivers up his spine, a tingle that has his own arousal aching in longing. He strokes back up and along the length of Ivan's shaft, palm smearing over the drip of precum before dragging it back down. Slow, tortuous, teasing. )
I think I'd like to hear you beg... Maybe your truths lie in the desperation of a moment, hmm?
( He squeezes with more pressure along the base of his cock, his own hips rolling into a slow grind against Ivan's thigh, breath ghosting against the damp, marked skin of his neck as he does. He feels like he's going to go insane, going this slow, but if he can work Ivan into a frenzy all the same? It'll be well worth the heat building in his stomach, winding into tense knots ready to spring loose. )
What is it that you want the most, I wonder? To be inside of me? What about my mouth? Or... ( He blows out a little puff of air against Ivan's ear, followed by the grazing of his teeth against his earlobe. Another stroke or two moves faster, keeping his interest, picking up the pace just enough to give him a taste of it. ) ...Maybe you'd like it if I took you myself?
( He's having too much fun. He strokes more, varying his squeezing, his own breaths short and eager. )
Can you stretch out and reach the lube without stopping me from playing with you? Go on and try~.
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Which truth? What I want to do, or what I want?
[ Even with the evident pant in his breath, he could still be cheeky. His mind had been turning over all of those possibilities in little fantasies, many like what Esikko had described. Losing his grip and pinning Esikko down was once that came to his mind in waves. It was so hard to focus when his eyes were fluttering shut and a growl was rolling out of his throat. Ivan was truly going to lose his mind over Esikko's teasings.
A desperate hand darted out to the side, reaching for the bedside table. It was agonizing to stay still for Esikko while his hand maneuvered. His eyes wouldn't dare look anywhere else, even while his hand was feeling around and pulling the drawer open with slipping fingertips. It took a couple of short pulls to get it open, pausing only to bite back a more pleading whine with the faster pace suddenly. The hand moved faster, diving into the drawer, searching around for the feel of the plastic bottle and pulling it out with a relieved sigh.
The drawer was abandoned once the bottle was in hand. He'll close it eventually. The bottle was put down close to them, Ivan's hands eager to go back to touching Esikko, grabbing his hips and ass, lifting more into him to search for relief.]
I want to do what's going to make you feel the most wanted. I want to cut a mark deep enough that you'll keep coming back.
[ How he wanted to make that mark was really the question, but his mind was still reeling over how hard he was to resist when he was like this. Even someone as disconnected as him was becoming desperate.]
If I have to choose something tangible, I want to be inside you. I don't care how.
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Whatever way that happens, whether in embarrassing little whines and begging or forcing him over into a pin, doesn't really matter. It's the thrill of it that Esikko is after, the control regardless of his own position that he feels like he can have over Ivan, like this— it feels too nice. It's downright addicting. Intoxicating.
So it does make him smile, a little, that he says he wants to make him feel wanted. That's his goal too, after all. To be wanted. )
Hehe... ( A quiet little giggle of a laugh, matched with a grasp to the side to snatch that bottle up. It means his hand abandons Ivan's length for that short period of time, adding to that throbbing ache as he makes a show of flicking the lid open and squeezing a bit into his own palm. It's a clean motion, maybe too-practiced, but the bottle gets forgotten aside as he brings his lube-slick palm back to Ivan, smearing it across the length of his shaft. )
I'll feel the most wanted when that tense cord of yours finally snaps. ( His fingers squeeze and curve around him, palm rubbing against his tip before sliding back down, ensuring there's a thorough coat of slick. ) Your patience, I mean. When you stop holding back.
( Because he feels like he can see it, in the muffling of his noises, in the shortness of his breath matched with little lifts of his hips. His lips crash back into Ivan's, hand once more abandoning the other man— but only temporarily, so that he can slip two fingers into himself, burying the soft noise that it draws out into another deep kiss. His own cock presses in the lean of his body against Ivan's thigh, hard and aching with his own desire. It's taking every bit of self control to go this slow, to take the time to finger himself for any sort of prep, but he's trying to drive him even more insane. More desperate, more—
He whispers against his lips in between the kiss, a stop for only a breath and a few words: ) I'm yours for tonight, so cut as deep as you want.
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The release of his cock was an ache that felt criminal. To be bereft of his touch was almost enough to snap that taut cord in his chest, Ivan breathing out slowly. His hands shot out to hold Esikko's cheeks faster than he even realized he moved, eyes wide. It was just a short moment, but it was enough to break his control and push him that much closer to snapping the final threads.
A breath hisses out when he feels that hand again, his breath shuttering. He didn't know how much longer he could hold back. It was burning away at years and years of practiced detachment. Now he felt like the only thing that could satisfy him in that moment was all of him.
The kiss crashed over his lips the moment he snapped. It was enough before, but now he was on the cusp of getting to be inside him and nothing felt like enough anymore. Every soft sound washed over him like a boon. ]
Yi Seul... Yiseul...
[ It was too slow. He couldn't handle it anymore. With glazed eyes, his hands move down to wrap his arms around him and push up and to the side to maneuver. He didn't want to hurt him, but that 'right mind' was no longer the one controlling the way he presses his body against Esikko with another low call of that name just for him, kissing him with need and adjusting his body against him to pin him in place and rut desperately while getting into position.
His hands adjusted down to grab the other's hips, Ivan's lips trailing kisses and bites down his jaw to his neck. Without a second thought he bit down, reaching between them, to press his tip at his entrance so he could slide in. ]
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Yi Seul.
The name sounds out of Ivan's lips in a moan, and the breath slips entirely from his own lungs in a soft exhale, heavy with an emotion he can't describe. His name, again, his chosen name, and just as he's reeling from the way he feels getting to hear that in such an intimate moment, his world tips, and the soft plush of the mattress meets his back as Ivan's form leans over him.
His heart is pounding so hard, so loud, that he swears he can feel it in his throat, in his temples, in the tips of his fingers that now wrap and trail lightly along the shape of Ivan's back. His whole body feels on fire, despite the cool temperature of his skin, and he's flushed for it all the same. In the dark of this room, though, there's only the rustling of the sheets, the harshness of their shared breaths, and two hands at his hips pulling him into the meeting of their bodies. A bite joined with the press inside of him has him gasping out louder than he normally does, voice cracking into a moan that's more embarrassing than he normally allows himself. )
Ah‐
( Fuck— warmth blossoms from everywhere Ivan touches him. Inside of him, at the bite of his neck, at the fingers at his hips. His grip on his own words that had been previously forcing them closer to this edge has been lost in the moment, now, and he's out of them. Instead, his back arches, his head tilts back to press into the bed as he soaks into the desire radiating from Ivan. One arm slips free from his loose hold on Ivan to flop uselessly against the sheets, twisting into them as he pants out, eyes lidded with a longing that's out in far more plain view than he'd normally prefer. )
Ivan... ( Softly, a little choked, as he forces himself to relax, hips lifting to try and welcome Ivan closer, deeper. His legs, too, move in antsy squirms, one knee hooking itself around the back of Ivan's as if to anchor him in place. The hand that hasn't dropped away slips back up to lace through dark hair, twisting into a tight hold as he continues. ) Don't stop.
( Insistent, almost threatening, like there's a don't you dare tucked away in there that he doesn't have the breath to get out. He doesn't want him to back off just because he's been fragile in some ways. He wants to feel everything. Wants every intense emotion he can grasp at. )