myblacksorrow

[ He wasn't going to really ask, so when Till repositions himself to bend his head toward him, Ivan beams. He didn't even have to get to the messy part of trying to convince Till to let him do something. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, he reached his hand up to rest atop Till's head. Petting his hair and soothing it down after all of Till's earlier frantic pulling, Ivan's thumb settles against the thin, furry cartilage.

The touch was small at first and grew into his hand curling along the back of an ear while his fingers marveled in how satisfying it was to touch them. It was a nice feeling against his skin, but he looked down every so often to make sure Till wasn't making a weird face. Getting swiped at or bitten because he did something wrong would be a weird situation to explain to someone else. ]

It's a weird feeling, but nice. I can see why humans would have liked to pet something that feels like it.

[ He could also imagine the sensation being completely different when it was a being with that feeling all over. ]

[ Ivan's initial line of question was indicative of interest and inevitably a request to touch the ears. They're shameful, and Till remains uncomfortable. However, if Ivan isn't repulsed by his appearance, then he can be a little more accepting of his current form. It would take more time for Till to come to terms with the fact that he grows cat ears and a tail; there is solace in the fact that it is only one night out of the month. And since it only happens one night, this isn't a question of a supposed future maybe, and instead, he lets Ivan have at it. It's not a big deal. Other than that, he is starting to suspect Ivan may be stranger than what he initially assumed.

Then comes a thought. Is Ivan's interest sparked by a desire to pet a cat? A real-life cat? Or would he want to pet a cat-like person? There are at least two of those residing at the resort. Would his curiosity have extended to them, too? In that case, what does this mean? If he satisfies that fascination, would it mean Ivan would not pet those other guys?

He can continue mulling over his suspicions, trying to figure this out, or he can stay in this moment.

Till would choose the former, his sensitive and hurt ears guide him toward the latter option. Pats on the head were strange; his expression may indicate discomfit, but the moment Ivan's hands are on his ears, his expression softens. It's a soothing sensation, his eyes close slowly as he leans in closer toward Ivan, and he even reaches out to hold him by the front of his shirt. Whatever Ivan was saying barely registers as he tries to rub his face against Ivan's hand. Like a cat showing comfort and trust, he ends up on his back, with his belly exposed as Ivan's shirt rides up on him. ]

[ Ivan would have been content with cuddling and petting Till. It was soothing to lay together in one another's company. If there was a way to comfort him and make him believe that the ears and tail didn't make him look worse, he would say it, but nothing came to mind while his fingers rubbed at the tips of his ears. Till's expression was somewhat complicated, but it didn't look like he was going to do anything violent.

His hands only slow when he sees Till start to move, first closer and then shifting to his back. It was fascinating to watch the way the strange curse effected Till. The mannerisms were not like him at all. At first, it was a bit unsettling, Ivan wondering to himself if the casino could do worse on a whim. After more thought, he let that concern go away to find him later.

The more Till moved, the more Ivan could feel that familiar warmth in his lower gut. His eyes couldn't help scanning down his body and sucking in a breath. They had slept like this often enough. It wasn't strange to see Till in this state of dress. There was just something more in the way Ivan could see so much exposed skin while Till was rubbing against him that made him want to feel more of him.

Fighting off that urge, his hand descends to pet Till's face and let him rub into his palm. Ivan kept his silence, his eyes as locked on Till as his thoughts were. ]

[ Loathing for the segyein bleeds into anything Till deems inhuman, and even humans he finds difficult (some even annoying). However, his distress isn't solely attributed to his hatred of those aliens; there were already underlying doubts and a feeling of dislike for the self he already was. This only makes it worse. He cannot be sure what Ivan is thinking, why he settled on the word 'cute' when describing him as he is now. There is also the matter of what Ivan desired—cat or cat people. He could be out there petting any of those.

Worry is there. It's melting away under Ivan's touch. He doesn't expect gentleness, not from someone who more often than not says something that hurts and wounds him anew. Most of the time, contact means retaliation against Till initiating a fight.

Although that's no longer true.

This gentle touch is one he has experienced before. Rare moments as they were, and there is that one time he needs to forget. He should. He cannot. A sudden instance of affection that left him baffled as the hand cupping his face bade for his attention. And! Now they are here. When was the last time he slept in his room rather than coming to knock on Ivan's door and ending up on his bed? More often than not, with his arms around Ivan, urging him to hold him close and not let go. Isn't it very selfish? Even now, as he grows accustomed to the touch, as he eases into Ivan petting his ears, he wants more.

It's his ears that give him a pleasant sensation. The rest of his actions are chasing that feeling. And maybe on his back, with Ivan's hand on his face, does that realization hit him. He doesn't stop Ivan; he doesn't plan to push him away immediately.

His flushed face and teary-eyed look is what Ivan will get as Till begins to speak, as if finding his voice again rather than being lost to a cat's simpler nature and content. ]

Maybe that's enough.

[ Maybe. He says maybe. He doesn't say it is definite. ]

[ At first, he didn't plan to oblige. Till's body was on display in front of him, covered mostly in his own pajama top. Ivan's bigger build meant it practically swallowed him, and the places where it rode up were even more tantalizing because the whole display make it feel like Till was his. It was a moment where he could feel like he could receive the most coveted thing Till could offer.

And yet, it was that thought and the pinpricks of tears in Till's eyes that brought Ivan's hands to a stand still. Till wasn't putting a lot of effort into stopping him. He could get away with continuing for a bit longer if he wanted to truly see what he could do. Ivan couldn't do that. Till was already unhappy with this situation and if he pushed, he could be rejected. It was impossible to tell what was going through his head.

He hesitated, his hands resting where they stopped, and then dragged away from him slowly. His gaze doesn't leave Till's face, even as his hands come to rest between them once again. He wanted more. Ivan wanted to much more that it could burst from that cold, dark place he stuffed all of his feelings. Instead, he remains quiet, watching Till and what he was going to do now. ]

[ Till remains still as Ivan's hands linger. Despite his mild protest, he does nothing to escape the touch. If Ivan had taken that risk, he would not have rejected him, although he would have questioned the fascination with his current form. While not entirely a cat, he has enough cat-like traits that Till has to ponder if this is something normal. Or maybe he doesn't have to consider anything. Ivan may have the same curiosity and fascination with the idea of petting a normal cat, much like him. This may be his only option as of now.

Once Ivan's hands pull away, Till raises his to his face to absentmindedly wipe away tears. He must look ridiculous now. Crying over—it's nothing. Biting his lower lip, he hesitates before turning his head to the side to look at Ivan. A simple question could answer all his doubts and alleviate his curiosity. What was it that Ivan wanted from him? Would he have continued petting him if he had not said that was enough?

Instead of getting an answer to what he wants most, he recalls a question on a list from the speed-dating event on the boat. ]

Are you a dog or cat person?

[ Maybe he should have shut up and stayed quiet. He should have let whatever that moment was pass. ]

[ Ivan spent a number of moments puzzled over the expression Till gave him before the question. Had Ivan done something wrong, or was it something else about the situation that bothered Till? Would he possibly run because he was overwhelmed? No movement was made to escape and Ivan unconsciously relaxed.

The question didn't improve his confusion.

His brows furrowed as he tried to imagine what he meant by this question. Did he wonder if Ivan liked dogs or cats more? He had never met either creature in person before, but he's read about them in various stories and texts. Was it more of a meaning of would Ivan fit having a personality like one or the other more? Did Till really wonder these things, or did he wonder what sort of curse Ivan would get? ]

My personality is probably more dog-like, but think I would like cats more.

[ Ivan's eyes lowered, looking Till over again as he thought more on it. ]

Yeah, I think cats would be good. Where did you get a question like that?

[ Ivan's expression leads Till to surmise his question is stupid, especially when considering he had been unable to answer it himself. It was an idiotic choice as an opening toward a conversation. While their situations may not have been entirely similar due to a difference in guardians, he doubts that Ivan has encountered a dog. For sure, a cat hasn't been in the picture. Then it may be true that the only animal they have come in contact with is the robotic fish in Anakt Garden's artificial stream. This is embarrassing, while his cheeks gain a rosy tint, his ears flatten with self-doubt.

Before he can retract his question or change the subject, Ivan gives him an answer. Not in the way he has come to understand the question, but it is an answer nonetheless, and there must be some effort behind it. However, in all honesty, he does not understand how Ivan's personality is akin to a dog's, nor whether he is anything like a cat. ]

Are dogs annoying and strange? [ Since cats are supposedly violent and picky. And he has been told that he is similar to one, and he is assuming that has nothing to do with his physical changes. Come to think of it, could that be the reason he ended up like this? ] Are my eyes like a cat's?

[ Ivan stating he would like a cat more, has Till regress back to the loop he had been previously stuck in. Would Ivan want to pet a cat or a cat person? Would he be petting someone else if given the opportunity? Would he prefer it? Someone less like him? But if cats are, as Ivan says, then that means— ]

Huh. That. On the boat. I went to something called speed dating, and because I've never done it before, they gave me a list of questions to ask. That was on there.

[ Ivan laughed quietly. He supposes those defining characteristics aren't wrong. If that's what Till thought of him, he couldn't really fight it. He did wonder what parts of him were strange, though. What did he do that was strange in Till's eyes? The question at the end was not what he expected. Looking into Till's eyes, he reached across to faintly touch his cheek. ]

They might be. I don't remember what their eyes were supposed to look like.

[ Recalling the speed dating event on the cruise didn't fill him with happy memories. He never interacted with it directly, but he knew what it was for. Till had gone to it and Ivan never knew. How many people did he date? Did he find someone to touch there? It wasn't something that was to Ivan's tastes. He wasn't one for complicating matters that didn't require it. ]

Did you date anyone fun? It was supposed to find you a lover, right?

[ This circles back to his desire to see a cat, perhaps not so much to touch one now due to his condition. His attempts to locate that one particular cafe that caters to cat lovers have failed. He considers renewing his efforts, at least, to find an answer to his questions. Leaning into the touch, Till doesn't hesitate to give the reason behind his inquiry. ]

Someone keeps calling me 'cat eyes.'

[ Although once the words leave his mouth, he considers all he said as unnecessary, bordering on embarrassing. It's like when he asked about his age versus his appearance all over again. And so once the change of subject comes up, he is content to snap up a reason to divert conversation until he realizes what's being implied. Frowning and averting his gaze makes him look guilty; however, he has no clue what he should be feeling bad about.

He didn't even do anything! ]

I don't know what dating is. And I was not looking for a lover.

[ Lover in the context of his limited understanding and him sticking to the definition he provided Ivan: lovers love things and make their lips touch. ]

[ If someone called him that, it was all the more reason for Ivan to stare into Till's eyes and try to figure out why. His lack of experience with cats still meant it couldn't discern anything by look, but he did get to look at Till more and that was enough. The reception to his touch, however, was confusing. After telling Ivan to stop, he still looked as if he wanted more.

Ivan moved his hand to curl against his cheek, and then back into his hair. Lingering on his face or neck probably was a bad idea. He wanted to question who said it and if he liked others paying so much attention to his eyes, but Till had moved on, so Ivan kept it to himself. ]

I think it's what you do that leads to becoming lovers. My information could be wrong. I haven't put research into it.

[ Ivan paused, the hand in Tills hair pausing as well. ]

Are you still refusing lip touching?

[ Till does not refuse Ivan or his touch. If he were adamant about keeping him away, he would have left Ivan, the bed, and this room. Instead, he remains close. There is barely any distance between them; if he were to shift his arm slightly, it would brush against Ivan. Lacking complete comprehension of what this means, he doesn't even consider it an invitation to anything. He doesn't think it is particularly tantalizing, but that ties to a reflection of a negative self-image.

He knows what he is good at. And that's all there is to him.

That's why his expression lacks interest in figuring out dating. If it is meant to lead to becoming lovers, then does he need to know? Maybe that's something Ivan is interested in. Or perhaps this place has caused that curiosity. He could find proper details and relay that information.

As for facing lips—kissing. Ivan should know that! He doesn't need to ask. Biting his lower lip, not measuring himself, that's prone to leave a mark, he stops only to exhale a breath. ] Why should I do that?

[ The lack of refusal only added to the confusion. If he was so okay with all of this, why did the words he said never agree with the things he did? To this day, Till was still an enigma to him. With this in mind, he continued petting his hair and moving on to touching other places, trying to see if there was any particular sort of touch that made him the happiest.

The reaction to the question was less than he thought, in honestly. Part of him expected Till to recoil or get locked in some horrible feedback loop of remembering that far away performance. Till being able to ask a question of his own was improvement.]

The other people here seem to bet really worried when they hear someone is having trouble committing to doing the sort of things that happen here.

Personally, I don't think there's any problem with not kissing. [ He couldn't have an issue with it. He was the reason for these sorts of reactions in the first place. ]

[ Contact between them isn't rare. Ivan, who used to hang all over him, lean on him, and maybe sometimes, Till sought comfort in his warmth. There were also times when their hands caused hurt; those injuries were never as painful as their words. This is not the same. Ivan of the past did not pet his hair or guide his hands over other places. If he put more thought into what was happening, he could figure it out, but instead, he finds it easier to ignore the subject, refrain from commenting on it, and let Ivan wear himself out through touch. Inevitably, he must grow bored?

And he is aware of the concern; however, from his understanding, it has less to do with kissing and entirely revolves around their capacity to have sex. He can do it. He had been right. Ivan had been wrong. And it doesn't make him happy. He doesn't need it; he hadn't before. This feels as if they're trapped on another stage, a different kind. Yet, it's all another performance. There is no face for this culprit for him to aim his hatred toward.

Realizing where this conversation is headed, Till can't help but wring his hands together, nails involved. ]

I never thought about it before.

[ Till was not unaware that touching lips against cheeks was a thing in Anakt Garden. It was so popular that he could not escape the sight. That nameless gesture was something the other children were fond of; they were happy, and Till could not remember that same desire. It felt intimate in a way that made him apprehensive. There was dread. And now everything is so much worse. He will refuse the gesture.

Isn't that once enough? ]

Now I try not to think about it.

Hold on. Why are you saying that? I thought you were going to warn me to stop disobeying what this place wants.

Without having to kiss anyone, you still did the stuff on that card, didn't you? You proved it really doesn't matter in the long run, and you can stand firm on not doing that particular thing while staying within the rules.

[ Ivan's hand slowed, thinking about Till and how everything went. Till got what he wanted, so if he did or didn't wasn't an issue. If Ivan liked doing it, that was something Ivan can do elsewhere. As stilted and strange as it may be, Things between them were fine. The cat situation was a little weird and Till was still clearly unhappy with it, but they were still together, and Ivan had years of getting used to accepting the small victories he could attain for himself.

He's touched Till before. He's done it when they were younger, too. This instance was different, though, and that was still awkward. Till was awake, aware, and staring at him as he touched him. It was nothing, though. He was fairly sure Till was just allowing it because he already said he would stay. Ivan could take advantage of that, but he lacked the motivation.

When he could see Till's anxiety climbing, he drew his hand back, closing his eyes with a sigh. ]

Ask me something else. [ Something different, he guesses. There was no way this conversation would continue. ]

I filled it.

[ The card he means. That was the end goal, right? He had proven that he could do what was needed. Ivan could no longer reject his aid because of an assumption. Besides, is this all new to them? These acts? Here, at the resort, they have names, labels, and different procedures in place. However, it's all the same. All he has to do is not think about it. Complete what is required and move on? The simplicity should make it easy for him to continue, but his discontent makes it a challenge for him even to consider it. ]

You asked me about it. You're not going to tell me if you did it? Facing lips.

[ As Ivan withdraws his hands, Till can't help but peer at him through a lens of confusion. Has he grown tired of him that quickly? To a degree, it makes sense, considering he has made himself available recently. To Ivan. To anyone. Isn't that the case with their careers? Once the novelty fades, so do they. They're no longer favored. But he has to wonder if Ivan even preferred his company. Maybe it was only circumstance that brought them together in the past, and now it's only familiarity. For all he knows, he is occupying Ivan's time. Isn't this Ivan's second chance or whatever? ]

I didn't fill mine, but I did do that; facing lips.

[ He wasn't going to lie about it. There wasn't really a point. He did kiss someone else, but he didn't expect Till to be interested in knowing if he did. His eyes opened, looking at Till again as he considered what else to say about it. He failed the challenge, but he wasn't really going into it wholeheartedly. It was something akin to his usual, honestly. All Ivan had to do was enough to keep going. Reaching the top or doing his best was not an ambition of his. When it came to acts like this, he had even less drive than usual.

Were those things Till would want to know? Would he care about those personal, particular things about him? ]

I didn't know what I was doing when I... [ When he kissed Till, he means. ] so I wanted to see if there were things I didn't know and how to do it.

[ With a deep, slow breath, he places his hand between them, an offer to Till if he wanted it. ]

It's a shame that I didn't think to research it before all of that, but I wasn't expecting to have a second chance at it. Mm... or a first chance, for that matter.

[ He was aware the didn't actually have a second chance, but He and Till were alive and together. That was as much of a chance as he had in the first place. ]

[ Now what?

Ivan does not evade his question, and he has a straightforward answer. What does he do with that information? What can he do with it? What does it mean to face lips? What is kissing? He feels as if he has been lied to. How can it be a common way to show love and affection when he has been left with a throbbing pain? It never goes away. At best, it becomes a mild ache, and at worst, it's now—an open wound. No, the comparison is lacking. Even the scratches on his hand don't alleviate confusion. But if that's what Ivan wants, then what does he have to say about it? He doesn't get a choice of what his experience could be; he doesn't get to frame that moment when somber and severe darkness make the backdrop of a deluge. The whole encounter is red.

If Ivan wants that, if he wants a lover, then what is Till doing here in his room?

He knows. It's been easier on him. He doesn't have to lose himself in his thoughts. He doesn't have to argue with himself or wear himself out until the point of collapse. But how stupid is he? There are drugs for that! This place must have that too. But he is an idiot with a single talent that's become entirely useless. ]

Okay. And now you know.

[ He won't reach out for Ivan's hand. Not this time. Instead, he is going to sit up—the first step in his escape. ]

I guess you get to have all your first chances here. That's good. Yeah. So good luck with that.

[ Till was right to reject him. The slowly sinking pain was a familiar eventuality to his boldness. Would it have made a difference if he told him that he wanted to do it with him again. What would be the point in mentioning a 'second chance' otherwise? His hand remained on the bed, Ivan's dark eyes on that emptiness as Till shifted on the bed.

He said he would stay, but now the talk of kissing was making him run away.

Till talks of first chances as if he wasn't Ivan's firsts. Did Ivan have any of Till's? The correction and retort doesn't reach his lips, scared away the way the other had shut down. He couldn't tell if Till was mad, or annoyed that he had to listen to Ivan talk about stuff like that.

He didn't have an answer to the hostility, closing his hand and looking at the opposite wall instead. The silence after their fights was normal, too. Being stuck in place and not knowing what to do to help was as natural as breathing at this point. They'll stay away from each other for a while and then try to... do something. Till didn't really have a need to come back if he didn't want to. He had other friends, and kinder people now.

Would Till punch him if he tried to grab him and make him stay? Probably. He's been hit for less. He'll keep that thought in the back of his mind.]

[ His words cut the conversation to an end, and Ivan's silence is an admission that they cannot continue speaking. They have reached the point of disconnect. Any further attempts would likely lead to physical violence (started by him). Then his choice is correct. This is Ivan's room, Ivan's space, and a place he wants to invite someone, the someone he is facing lips with. Till has a room of his own, that's where he belongs. That's where he will go. Finally, he gets up and heads for the door. There is no need for parting words when there is a watch to communicate through.

If Ivan ever finds he needs something.

Well, he doubts now that he will say anything. Maybe his attention will be entirely diverted, and that means he must find something to focus on, too. He has his music, he has his drawings (all entirely useless things to match a terrible personality). He will go to his room once the door is locked behind him Till doesn't plan to leave until it is absolutely necessary. ]

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