[ Ivan's expression leads Till to surmise his question is stupid, especially when considering he had been unable to answer it himself. It was an idiotic choice as an opening toward a conversation. While their situations may not have been entirely similar due to a difference in guardians, he doubts that Ivan has encountered a dog. For sure, a cat hasn't been in the picture. Then it may be true that the only animal they have come in contact with is the robotic fish in Anakt Garden's artificial stream. This is embarrassing, while his cheeks gain a rosy tint, his ears flatten with self-doubt.
Before he can retract his question or change the subject, Ivan gives him an answer. Not in the way he has come to understand the question, but it is an answer nonetheless, and there must be some effort behind it. However, in all honesty, he does not understand how Ivan's personality is akin to a dog's, nor whether he is anything like a cat. ]
Are dogs annoying and strange? [ Since cats are supposedly violent and picky. And he has been told that he is similar to one, and he is assuming that has nothing to do with his physical changes. Come to think of it, could that be the reason he ended up like this? ] Are my eyes like a cat's?
[ Ivan stating he would like a cat more, has Till regress back to the loop he had been previously stuck in. Would Ivan want to pet a cat or a cat person? Would he be petting someone else if given the opportunity? Would he prefer it? Someone less like him? But if cats are, as Ivan says, then that means— ]
Huh. That. On the boat. I went to something called speed dating, and because I've never done it before, they gave me a list of questions to ask. That was on there.
[ Ivan laughed quietly. He supposes those defining characteristics aren't wrong. If that's what Till thought of him, he couldn't really fight it. He did wonder what parts of him were strange, though. What did he do that was strange in Till's eyes? The question at the end was not what he expected. Looking into Till's eyes, he reached across to faintly touch his cheek. ]
They might be. I don't remember what their eyes were supposed to look like.
[ Recalling the speed dating event on the cruise didn't fill him with happy memories. He never interacted with it directly, but he knew what it was for. Till had gone to it and Ivan never knew. How many people did he date? Did he find someone to touch there? It wasn't something that was to Ivan's tastes. He wasn't one for complicating matters that didn't require it. ]
Did you date anyone fun? It was supposed to find you a lover, right?
[ This circles back to his desire to see a cat, perhaps not so much to touch one now due to his condition. His attempts to locate that one particular cafe that caters to cat lovers have failed. He considers renewing his efforts, at least, to find an answer to his questions. Leaning into the touch, Till doesn't hesitate to give the reason behind his inquiry. ]
Someone keeps calling me 'cat eyes.'
[ Although once the words leave his mouth, he considers all he said as unnecessary, bordering on embarrassing. It's like when he asked about his age versus his appearance all over again. And so once the change of subject comes up, he is content to snap up a reason to divert conversation until he realizes what's being implied. Frowning and averting his gaze makes him look guilty; however, he has no clue what he should be feeling bad about.
He didn't even do anything! ]
I don't know what dating is. And I was not looking for a lover.
[ Lover in the context of his limited understanding and him sticking to the definition he provided Ivan: lovers love things and make their lips touch. ]
[ If someone called him that, it was all the more reason for Ivan to stare into Till's eyes and try to figure out why. His lack of experience with cats still meant it couldn't discern anything by look, but he did get to look at Till more and that was enough. The reception to his touch, however, was confusing. After telling Ivan to stop, he still looked as if he wanted more.
Ivan moved his hand to curl against his cheek, and then back into his hair. Lingering on his face or neck probably was a bad idea. He wanted to question who said it and if he liked others paying so much attention to his eyes, but Till had moved on, so Ivan kept it to himself. ]
I think it's what you do that leads to becoming lovers. My information could be wrong. I haven't put research into it.
[ Ivan paused, the hand in Tills hair pausing as well. ]
[ Till does not refuse Ivan or his touch. If he were adamant about keeping him away, he would have left Ivan, the bed, and this room. Instead, he remains close. There is barely any distance between them; if he were to shift his arm slightly, it would brush against Ivan. Lacking complete comprehension of what this means, he doesn't even consider it an invitation to anything. He doesn't think it is particularly tantalizing, but that ties to a reflection of a negative self-image.
He knows what he is good at. And that's all there is to him.
That's why his expression lacks interest in figuring out dating. If it is meant to lead to becoming lovers, then does he need to know? Maybe that's something Ivan is interested in. Or perhaps this place has caused that curiosity. He could find proper details and relay that information.
As for facing lips—kissing. Ivan should know that! He doesn't need to ask. Biting his lower lip, not measuring himself, that's prone to leave a mark, he stops only to exhale a breath. ] Why should I do that?
[ The lack of refusal only added to the confusion. If he was so okay with all of this, why did the words he said never agree with the things he did? To this day, Till was still an enigma to him. With this in mind, he continued petting his hair and moving on to touching other places, trying to see if there was any particular sort of touch that made him the happiest.
The reaction to the question was less than he thought, in honestly. Part of him expected Till to recoil or get locked in some horrible feedback loop of remembering that far away performance. Till being able to ask a question of his own was improvement.]
The other people here seem to bet really worried when they hear someone is having trouble committing to doing the sort of things that happen here.
Personally, I don't think there's any problem with not kissing. [ He couldn't have an issue with it. He was the reason for these sorts of reactions in the first place. ]
[ Contact between them isn't rare. Ivan, who used to hang all over him, lean on him, and maybe sometimes, Till sought comfort in his warmth. There were also times when their hands caused hurt; those injuries were never as painful as their words. This is not the same. Ivan of the past did not pet his hair or guide his hands over other places. If he put more thought into what was happening, he could figure it out, but instead, he finds it easier to ignore the subject, refrain from commenting on it, and let Ivan wear himself out through touch. Inevitably, he must grow bored?
And he is aware of the concern; however, from his understanding, it has less to do with kissing and entirely revolves around their capacity to have sex. He can do it. He had been right. Ivan had been wrong. And it doesn't make him happy. He doesn't need it; he hadn't before. This feels as if they're trapped on another stage, a different kind. Yet, it's all another performance. There is no face for this culprit for him to aim his hatred toward.
Realizing where this conversation is headed, Till can't help but wring his hands together, nails involved. ]
I never thought about it before.
[ Till was not unaware that touching lips against cheeks was a thing in Anakt Garden. It was so popular that he could not escape the sight. That nameless gesture was something the other children were fond of; they were happy, and Till could not remember that same desire. It felt intimate in a way that made him apprehensive. There was dread. And now everything is so much worse. He will refuse the gesture.
Isn't that once enough? ]
Now I try not to think about it.
Hold on. Why are you saying that? I thought you were going to warn me to stop disobeying what this place wants.
Without having to kiss anyone, you still did the stuff on that card, didn't you? You proved it really doesn't matter in the long run, and you can stand firm on not doing that particular thing while staying within the rules.
[ Ivan's hand slowed, thinking about Till and how everything went. Till got what he wanted, so if he did or didn't wasn't an issue. If Ivan liked doing it, that was something Ivan can do elsewhere. As stilted and strange as it may be, Things between them were fine. The cat situation was a little weird and Till was still clearly unhappy with it, but they were still together, and Ivan had years of getting used to accepting the small victories he could attain for himself.
He's touched Till before. He's done it when they were younger, too. This instance was different, though, and that was still awkward. Till was awake, aware, and staring at him as he touched him. It was nothing, though. He was fairly sure Till was just allowing it because he already said he would stay. Ivan could take advantage of that, but he lacked the motivation.
When he could see Till's anxiety climbing, he drew his hand back, closing his eyes with a sigh. ]
Ask me something else. [ Something different, he guesses. There was no way this conversation would continue. ]
[ The card he means. That was the end goal, right? He had proven that he could do what was needed. Ivan could no longer reject his aid because of an assumption. Besides, is this all new to them? These acts? Here, at the resort, they have names, labels, and different procedures in place. However, it's all the same. All he has to do is not think about it. Complete what is required and move on? The simplicity should make it easy for him to continue, but his discontent makes it a challenge for him even to consider it. ]
You asked me about it. You're not going to tell me if you did it? Facing lips.
[ As Ivan withdraws his hands, Till can't help but peer at him through a lens of confusion. Has he grown tired of him that quickly? To a degree, it makes sense, considering he has made himself available recently. To Ivan. To anyone. Isn't that the case with their careers? Once the novelty fades, so do they. They're no longer favored. But he has to wonder if Ivan even preferred his company. Maybe it was only circumstance that brought them together in the past, and now it's only familiarity. For all he knows, he is occupying Ivan's time. Isn't this Ivan's second chance or whatever? ]
I didn't fill mine, but I did do that; facing lips.
[ He wasn't going to lie about it. There wasn't really a point. He did kiss someone else, but he didn't expect Till to be interested in knowing if he did. His eyes opened, looking at Till again as he considered what else to say about it. He failed the challenge, but he wasn't really going into it wholeheartedly. It was something akin to his usual, honestly. All Ivan had to do was enough to keep going. Reaching the top or doing his best was not an ambition of his. When it came to acts like this, he had even less drive than usual.
Were those things Till would want to know? Would he care about those personal, particular things about him? ]
I didn't know what I was doing when I... [ When he kissed Till, he means. ] so I wanted to see if there were things I didn't know and how to do it.
[ With a deep, slow breath, he places his hand between them, an offer to Till if he wanted it. ]
It's a shame that I didn't think to research it before all of that, but I wasn't expecting to have a second chance at it. Mm... or a first chance, for that matter.
[ He was aware the didn't actually have a second chance, but He and Till were alive and together. That was as much of a chance as he had in the first place. ]
Ivan does not evade his question, and he has a straightforward answer. What does he do with that information? What can he do with it? What does it mean to face lips? What is kissing? He feels as if he has been lied to. How can it be a common way to show love and affection when he has been left with a throbbing pain? It never goes away. At best, it becomes a mild ache, and at worst, it's now—an open wound. No, the comparison is lacking. Even the scratches on his hand don't alleviate confusion. But if that's what Ivan wants, then what does he have to say about it? He doesn't get a choice of what his experience could be; he doesn't get to frame that moment when somber and severe darkness make the backdrop of a deluge. The whole encounter is red.
If Ivan wants that, if he wants a lover, then what is Till doing here in his room?
He knows. It's been easier on him. He doesn't have to lose himself in his thoughts. He doesn't have to argue with himself or wear himself out until the point of collapse. But how stupid is he? There are drugs for that! This place must have that too. But he is an idiot with a single talent that's become entirely useless. ]
Okay. And now you know.
[ He won't reach out for Ivan's hand. Not this time. Instead, he is going to sit up—the first step in his escape. ]
I guess you get to have all your first chances here. That's good. Yeah. So good luck with that.
[ Till was right to reject him. The slowly sinking pain was a familiar eventuality to his boldness. Would it have made a difference if he told him that he wanted to do it with him again. What would be the point in mentioning a 'second chance' otherwise? His hand remained on the bed, Ivan's dark eyes on that emptiness as Till shifted on the bed.
He said he would stay, but now the talk of kissing was making him run away.
Till talks of first chances as if he wasn't Ivan's firsts. Did Ivan have any of Till's? The correction and retort doesn't reach his lips, scared away the way the other had shut down. He couldn't tell if Till was mad, or annoyed that he had to listen to Ivan talk about stuff like that.
He didn't have an answer to the hostility, closing his hand and looking at the opposite wall instead. The silence after their fights was normal, too. Being stuck in place and not knowing what to do to help was as natural as breathing at this point. They'll stay away from each other for a while and then try to... do something. Till didn't really have a need to come back if he didn't want to. He had other friends, and kinder people now.
Would Till punch him if he tried to grab him and make him stay? Probably. He's been hit for less. He'll keep that thought in the back of his mind.]
[ His words cut the conversation to an end, and Ivan's silence is an admission that they cannot continue speaking. They have reached the point of disconnect. Any further attempts would likely lead to physical violence (started by him). Then his choice is correct. This is Ivan's room, Ivan's space, and a place he wants to invite someone, the someone he is facing lips with. Till has a room of his own, that's where he belongs. That's where he will go. Finally, he gets up and heads for the door. There is no need for parting words when there is a watch to communicate through.
If Ivan ever finds he needs something.
Well, he doubts now that he will say anything. Maybe his attention will be entirely diverted, and that means he must find something to focus on, too. He has his music, he has his drawings (all entirely useless things to match a terrible personality). He will go to his room once the door is locked behind him Till doesn't plan to leave until it is absolutely necessary. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Before he can retract his question or change the subject, Ivan gives him an answer. Not in the way he has come to understand the question, but it is an answer nonetheless, and there must be some effort behind it. However, in all honesty, he does not understand how Ivan's personality is akin to a dog's, nor whether he is anything like a cat. ]
Are dogs annoying and strange? [ Since cats are supposedly violent and picky. And he has been told that he is similar to one, and he is assuming that has nothing to do with his physical changes. Come to think of it, could that be the reason he ended up like this? ] Are my eyes like a cat's?
[ Ivan stating he would like a cat more, has Till regress back to the loop he had been previously stuck in. Would Ivan want to pet a cat or a cat person? Would he be petting someone else if given the opportunity? Would he prefer it? Someone less like him? But if cats are, as Ivan says, then that means— ]
Huh. That. On the boat. I went to something called speed dating, and because I've never done it before, they gave me a list of questions to ask. That was on there.
no subject
They might be. I don't remember what their eyes were supposed to look like.
[ Recalling the speed dating event on the cruise didn't fill him with happy memories. He never interacted with it directly, but he knew what it was for. Till had gone to it and Ivan never knew. How many people did he date? Did he find someone to touch there? It wasn't something that was to Ivan's tastes. He wasn't one for complicating matters that didn't require it. ]
Did you date anyone fun? It was supposed to find you a lover, right?
no subject
Someone keeps calling me 'cat eyes.'
[ Although once the words leave his mouth, he considers all he said as unnecessary, bordering on embarrassing. It's like when he asked about his age versus his appearance all over again. And so once the change of subject comes up, he is content to snap up a reason to divert conversation until he realizes what's being implied. Frowning and averting his gaze makes him look guilty; however, he has no clue what he should be feeling bad about.
He didn't even do anything! ]
I don't know what dating is. And I was not looking for a lover.
[ Lover in the context of his limited understanding and him sticking to the definition he provided Ivan: lovers love things and make their lips touch. ]
no subject
Ivan moved his hand to curl against his cheek, and then back into his hair. Lingering on his face or neck probably was a bad idea. He wanted to question who said it and if he liked others paying so much attention to his eyes, but Till had moved on, so Ivan kept it to himself. ]
I think it's what you do that leads to becoming lovers. My information could be wrong. I haven't put research into it.
[ Ivan paused, the hand in Tills hair pausing as well. ]
Are you still refusing lip touching?
no subject
He knows what he is good at. And that's all there is to him.
That's why his expression lacks interest in figuring out dating. If it is meant to lead to becoming lovers, then does he need to know? Maybe that's something Ivan is interested in. Or perhaps this place has caused that curiosity. He could find proper details and relay that information.
As for facing lips—kissing. Ivan should know that! He doesn't need to ask. Biting his lower lip, not measuring himself, that's prone to leave a mark, he stops only to exhale a breath. ] Why should I do that?
no subject
The reaction to the question was less than he thought, in honestly. Part of him expected Till to recoil or get locked in some horrible feedback loop of remembering that far away performance. Till being able to ask a question of his own was improvement.]
The other people here seem to bet really worried when they hear someone is having trouble committing to doing the sort of things that happen here.
Personally, I don't think there's any problem with not kissing. [ He couldn't have an issue with it. He was the reason for these sorts of reactions in the first place. ]
no subject
And he is aware of the concern; however, from his understanding, it has less to do with kissing and entirely revolves around their capacity to have sex. He can do it. He had been right. Ivan had been wrong. And it doesn't make him happy. He doesn't need it; he hadn't before. This feels as if they're trapped on another stage, a different kind. Yet, it's all another performance. There is no face for this culprit for him to aim his hatred toward.
Realizing where this conversation is headed, Till can't help but wring his hands together, nails involved. ]
I never thought about it before.
[ Till was not unaware that touching lips against cheeks was a thing in Anakt Garden. It was so popular that he could not escape the sight. That nameless gesture was something the other children were fond of; they were happy, and Till could not remember that same desire. It felt intimate in a way that made him apprehensive. There was dread. And now everything is so much worse. He will refuse the gesture.
Isn't that once enough? ]
Now I try not to think about it.
Hold on. Why are you saying that? I thought you were going to warn me to stop disobeying what this place wants.
no subject
[ Ivan's hand slowed, thinking about Till and how everything went. Till got what he wanted, so if he did or didn't wasn't an issue. If Ivan liked doing it, that was something Ivan can do elsewhere. As stilted and strange as it may be, Things between them were fine. The cat situation was a little weird and Till was still clearly unhappy with it, but they were still together, and Ivan had years of getting used to accepting the small victories he could attain for himself.
He's touched Till before. He's done it when they were younger, too. This instance was different, though, and that was still awkward. Till was awake, aware, and staring at him as he touched him. It was nothing, though. He was fairly sure Till was just allowing it because he already said he would stay. Ivan could take advantage of that, but he lacked the motivation.
When he could see Till's anxiety climbing, he drew his hand back, closing his eyes with a sigh. ]
Ask me something else. [ Something different, he guesses. There was no way this conversation would continue. ]
no subject
[ The card he means. That was the end goal, right? He had proven that he could do what was needed. Ivan could no longer reject his aid because of an assumption. Besides, is this all new to them? These acts? Here, at the resort, they have names, labels, and different procedures in place. However, it's all the same. All he has to do is not think about it. Complete what is required and move on? The simplicity should make it easy for him to continue, but his discontent makes it a challenge for him even to consider it. ]
You asked me about it. You're not going to tell me if you did it? Facing lips.
[ As Ivan withdraws his hands, Till can't help but peer at him through a lens of confusion. Has he grown tired of him that quickly? To a degree, it makes sense, considering he has made himself available recently. To Ivan. To anyone. Isn't that the case with their careers? Once the novelty fades, so do they. They're no longer favored. But he has to wonder if Ivan even preferred his company. Maybe it was only circumstance that brought them together in the past, and now it's only familiarity. For all he knows, he is occupying Ivan's time. Isn't this Ivan's second chance or whatever? ]
no subject
[ He wasn't going to lie about it. There wasn't really a point. He did kiss someone else, but he didn't expect Till to be interested in knowing if he did. His eyes opened, looking at Till again as he considered what else to say about it. He failed the challenge, but he wasn't really going into it wholeheartedly. It was something akin to his usual, honestly. All Ivan had to do was enough to keep going. Reaching the top or doing his best was not an ambition of his. When it came to acts like this, he had even less drive than usual.
Were those things Till would want to know? Would he care about those personal, particular things about him? ]
I didn't know what I was doing when I... [ When he kissed Till, he means. ] so I wanted to see if there were things I didn't know and how to do it.
[ With a deep, slow breath, he places his hand between them, an offer to Till if he wanted it. ]
It's a shame that I didn't think to research it before all of that, but I wasn't expecting to have a second chance at it. Mm... or a first chance, for that matter.
[ He was aware the didn't actually have a second chance, but He and Till were alive and together. That was as much of a chance as he had in the first place. ]
no subject
Ivan does not evade his question, and he has a straightforward answer. What does he do with that information? What can he do with it? What does it mean to face lips? What is kissing? He feels as if he has been lied to. How can it be a common way to show love and affection when he has been left with a throbbing pain? It never goes away. At best, it becomes a mild ache, and at worst, it's now—an open wound. No, the comparison is lacking. Even the scratches on his hand don't alleviate confusion. But if that's what Ivan wants, then what does he have to say about it? He doesn't get a choice of what his experience could be; he doesn't get to frame that moment when somber and severe darkness make the backdrop of a deluge. The whole encounter is red.
If Ivan wants that, if he wants a lover, then what is Till doing here in his room?
He knows. It's been easier on him. He doesn't have to lose himself in his thoughts. He doesn't have to argue with himself or wear himself out until the point of collapse. But how stupid is he? There are drugs for that! This place must have that too. But he is an idiot with a single talent that's become entirely useless. ]
Okay. And now you know.
[ He won't reach out for Ivan's hand. Not this time. Instead, he is going to sit up—the first step in his escape. ]
I guess you get to have all your first chances here. That's good. Yeah. So good luck with that.
no subject
He said he would stay, but now the talk of kissing was making him run away.
Till talks of first chances as if he wasn't Ivan's firsts. Did Ivan have any of Till's? The correction and retort doesn't reach his lips, scared away the way the other had shut down. He couldn't tell if Till was mad, or annoyed that he had to listen to Ivan talk about stuff like that.
He didn't have an answer to the hostility, closing his hand and looking at the opposite wall instead. The silence after their fights was normal, too. Being stuck in place and not knowing what to do to help was as natural as breathing at this point. They'll stay away from each other for a while and then try to... do something. Till didn't really have a need to come back if he didn't want to. He had other friends, and kinder people now.
Would Till punch him if he tried to grab him and make him stay? Probably. He's been hit for less. He'll keep that thought in the back of his mind.]
no subject
If Ivan ever finds he needs something.
Well, he doubts now that he will say anything. Maybe his attention will be entirely diverted, and that means he must find something to focus on, too. He has his music, he has his drawings (all entirely useless things to match a terrible personality). He will go to his room once the door is locked behind him Till doesn't plan to leave until it is absolutely necessary. ]