[ Finding the passage on Cum play lured Ivan to pause and read everything that the book had on the subject. Till could be witness to every stage of grief and confusion as Ivan became more and more acquainted with the term and what actions could be taken to fulfill the square that had been given to Till.
Gently, Ivan closes the book and sets it aside. Till wasn't strong enough for that sort of thing. He could barely imagine the other man allowing someone to pass step one, much less get to the play portion.
With a squint, Ivan smoothed his expression back to his default, waving the book off. ]
You don't have to worry about cum play. Maybe you should focus more on the others.
[ There is nothing for him to do as Ivan becomes further acquainted with the book. Till will stand there watching as his expression shifts. It's a genuine reflection of Ivan's feelings. Till is a witness to bewilderment, dejection, and everything in between. That is more of a draw than curiosity over the book's contents; it's enough for him to close the distance to get a better look at Ivan's face.
However, it's not long before the book is closed; there won't be any more of those changing expressions for him to see. ]
[ Ivan looked up at him for a moment, his brows furrowed as he tried to find a way to put it in a way Till would understand. He noticed that Till was closer than he was before. Was he tried to read it while he was looking at it? No, probably not. Till really hated books. ]
It's ... playing around with the semen. You can put it on you, in your mouth, you can kiss each other with it... It's all about just doing things with the leftover semen.
[ And that was why he said it was not something to worry about. Till would have to reach the point of letting people do that to him, not to mention wanting to do things even more gross than just kissing was. If there was someone out there who could get him to do that, they were more powerful than Ivan was. ]
[ He should know. He should be aware, not solely because it is something written on his bingo card. If he has to live in such a place, it is a topic that could arise. It's also something that can be promised and bargained with. That's how it works, right? That's why when Ivan relents and provides him with an explanation, he should not regret it. Except he does. His expression shifts, his disgust unhidden even behind a hand he raises in a failed attempt to hide his feelings.
His card is pulled out of his pocket once again, and this time it isn't offered to Ivan. Instead, he begins to tear it up into pieces. It won't make it vanish; a copy exists in his watch, but there is some satisfaction to be had. Once he is done. Once he can no longer tear it into even smaller pieces, Till flops on the bed before throwing the bits of card up into the air. They come down like confetti on him. ]
[ There was a long pause before he could answer, which was probably telling all on its own. If it was a full on no, he would have already said so. The need to think about it was saying more than his words did. Tilting his head in the direction Till say down, he slowly rose his shoulders instead.
I don't know was a good answer, wasn't it? It could be yes. It could be no. It could be 'this place is forcing us to do things under duress'. The sky was the limit when it came to this answer and the level of coersion it took. ]
[ The suspiciously long silent pause that came before Ivan’s reply was vocalized cause him to consider that the answer is something other than no. No is a short simple reply. All it took is committing to the idea that participating in something so disgusting is unappealing. That there is no reason to even entertain any thoughts of doing something so vulgar. Ivan does not look like the type. He is handsome. But in the end, Till knows better than to be fooled by good looks alone.
When the reply comes, he can’t help scoff. There it is. And if it depends on the who the should he assume Ivan already has someone in mind? He has been here long enough to have met some people. Maybe he found someone after all and that means he is already that far behind. ]
Then you have your someone.
Should I leave so you can find them and to do whatever?
[ If he told Till there was no one but him, would that change anything? They both knew Till wasn't interested in him, so why rehash the sinking defeat of trying to make Till see and understand something. ]
What does that have to do with a person? I've licked your blood before. I'm willing to attempt anything once and give it a personal opinion.
Or are you telling me to go and find someone who would do that?
[ He probably could, but what would be the point of him doing it? It wasn't on his card. He had to worry about his own asks and how he was going to approach anyone for things like these. Till's scoff was what really caught his attention. The more he tried to think of what occurred and what he did wrong. Was he not supposed to be honest about trying it?
Trying to navigate Till's moods was tiring. ]
You've worn the perverted clothes before. Why don't you go to them and do it again? It's an easy clear. [ His voice sounded as monotone and flippant as always. It was hard to know what he felt about it one way or another. ]
[ Exactly how does licking blood compare to putting his lips and tongue on that other stuff. Unless he is supposed to interpret this as Ivan being willing to stick just about anything in his mouth? Considering experience, he is going to file that away as a maybe. A possibility that only Ivan knows, and it doesn't include him. Which is fine! Why would he want to see that? If Ivan says he is willing to try anything once for personal opinion, then what does he have to say about it? He has nothing. He has his own card to complete. That's it. ]
Let you lick...?
[ Their blood? Semen? What?
He doesn't linger long on the thought, so there is no opportunity to consider any other bodily fluid that Ivan may decide he wants to have a taste of. Instead, a reminder of the clothes he wore is brought back. He thought it was meaningless since Ivan didn't comment on it earlier. They were clothes, yes, not adequate for anything, as far as he knows. It was part of a getup forced on him-a performance costume. ]
I don't want to do that.
Or if you think it is so easy, should I try touching lips with them too?
[ He doesn't answer the first, getting frustrated with the way they were both just walking around the issue. It was difficult to do anything about the actual issue when Till had such a heavy dislike of these sorts of things. ]
This isn't going to be like The Garden. You aren't going to be restrained and left alone if you disobey.
[ Till was always like this. He was rebellious and hard to control. It was both his best and worst trait. If Ivan could take him away from having to do these things, he would, but he couldn't.
It did make him wonder. Would there be some new vision of hope that Till throws his heart at this time? ]
If it bothers you so much, find a way around the parts you don't like. If you find someone to your tastes, then it will be fine, right?
[ Ivan's words are impossible to interpret, to translate into something he can comprehend. Silence is worse. The lack of an answer leaves him to wonder about all the possibilities he doesn't want to consider. He can't even pinpoint why it bothers him at all. All that's left is frustration that can only be directed at the man whose bed he occupies.
Turning on his side, he reaches out for Ivan's sleeve, his fingers brush against the fabric. Before he grabs on, he pulls his hand back.
Is that what Ivan wants to do then? He wants to chase an opinion. Would he do something so vulgar to find his thoughts about an act? Would he also put his tongue on someone else's blood? That's the part about Ivan that he dislikes, his peculiar and incomprehensible actions. Would someone else accept it? If he understood him better. Splaying himself on his back, looking up at the ceiling, he gets an arm around himself. If it's blood. Digging his nails into his arm, into his skin, trying to draw it out. ]
I'm not an idiot. I know this is not Anakt Garden.
[ Or maybe he is an idiot because of what he is doing. ]
[ He wanted to answer, but stopped when he saw Till reach out. His gaze moved down to that reach and how it faltered and fell back before he could do anything. How many times have they been at this point? Till wanted something, but decided against it. The feeling it blossoms in Ivan is strange, but not unfamiliar. He's felt it before. The sharp edges and how it impales itself into his other feelings. ]
I don't have to do it that way--
[ Closing his eyes and taking a breath, Ivan attempts to recenter himself before he looked at Till again. It does not help when he notices the way Till was holding himself, digging into his arm. Ivan paused, slowly blinking and taking in what he was looking at.
He still couldn't comprehend Till at all. ]
What are you doing?
[ His usual monotone was audibly soft and breathy. It was a question with no edges or power. What is this idiot doing? Why was it coming from something Till himself asked Ivan to answer for him? Why did it matter how he was going to do it? ]
[ Without an explanation after rejecting the idea that Ivan proposed for him, what is he supposed to think? Should he desperately search everyone for someone? Someone who suits his tastes? His type, as they say here? Yet Ivan says he doesn't have to go that far? He doesn't have to make the effort. Because Ivan will satisfy that requirement with anyone? Because he can? Because he has all those qualities that people like? Till recalls all the presents handed to him meant for Ivan.
However, this ultimately confirms for Till that Ivan already has someone in mind. There is someone. That he is here only to compare cards, and maybe Ivan is right. He cannot do this. He cannot be like Ivan and go out there to seek a someone for himself. He does wish he could close his eyes and wake with his card complete. Even if he comes out of it in a haze.
Fine. He knew already anyway. He is trash.
But maybe Ivan can do all that. Perhaps he can complete the acts, get through playing the game, collect the cards, and fulfill all the requirements. Would he leave him again then? He has nothing to give here, nothing to offer, and his blood is nothing new. He is nothing but an idiot. ]
Nothing.
[ They compared cards. He knows how to find Ivan's room. They've done everything they set out to do today. He should stop imposing on Ivan's time and space. He should reject that hollow feeling that comes with separation. It was never there before. Before he became entirely alone. He sits up and looks toward the cabin's door. ]
[ Ivan was in the process of reaching out, his hand nearly close enough to brush Till's arm before he had to draw it back. He watches Till sit up, Ivan resting his hand in his lap instead. Why was it always like this? He could feel a familiar pressure building up behind his eyes. A pain that was like having a pick shoved between his brows.
He had to force it, raising his brows to give Till a casual look of curiosity. If he was going to send him his door number, that must mean he intended to leave. It probably would have been for the best. If they hope to make it for the long run, they had to find ways to be comfortable with the things they had to do here.
It was easier when it was just singing. ]
Alright, I'll note it in the watch when you do. Does that mean you're leaving?
[ From the moment they exchanged cards and brushed upon that subject, he lost track of how to proceed. Or was it when he tried to draw the attention in a way he thought would not fail? He touches his arm, his fingers brushing over the self-inflicted scratches, biting his lower lip. Till lowers his gaze to the floor. How many times can he think of himself as an idiot? Endlessly, probably.
He gets up, his intention obviously to head toward the door. If Ivan wants to complete the card, he needs space and time, and he doesn't need Till hovering around. Determined to go, he had already made up his mind not to share his cabin number after all. It would make him a liar, but is that worse than being an idiot? ]
[ Ivan wanted nothing more than to reach out for him. He could hold him down and lick his arm. If he curled up on top of him, would he stay in place or hit him? Was there any recourse for this when he was so unsure of how everything soured so fast?
Till thought it was best, so Ivan didn't say anything. He kept his hands to himself and looked away, giving Till the space to leave if he wanted to. Honestly, he didn't have to stay in either if he didn't want to. Ivan could go out and meet people or get a head start on his card, but all of that felt empty to him at the moment.
When faced with Till's back, he did his best to calmly plan what to do with his alone time. The icy blank expression he wore didn't stop the first tear from rolling down his face, Ivan seemingly not paying enough attention to realize that the wealth of compressed emotions swirling within him were springing for freedom. ]
[ He should leave. Everything is unraveling fast. If he lingers much longer, he knows they would only disagree further, and while now he doubts they would get into a petty physical fight like when they were young, somehow this was uglier. Open wounds, painful injuries, and throbbing bruises turn out to be preferred over whatever it is he feels. It's heavy and ugly. Has Ivan always been this annoying? It makes him feel nauseous, sick in a way that reminds him of a heavy dosage. He does not know how to mend this. What had gone wrong?
It has to be done. They both agreed.
It doesn't make it any less repulsive. Yet, isn't Ivan suggesting he go out there and find his way? They already agreed it has to be done. Well, more like Ivan has zero faith in him. But maybe Ivan is right. Perhaps he feels like he is struggling. He won't drag it on. He will go. He will return to his room and contemplate what he is doing. And what he will do. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Gently, Ivan closes the book and sets it aside. Till wasn't strong enough for that sort of thing. He could barely imagine the other man allowing someone to pass step one, much less get to the play portion.
With a squint, Ivan smoothed his expression back to his default, waving the book off. ]
You don't have to worry about cum play. Maybe you should focus more on the others.
no subject
However, it's not long before the book is closed; there won't be any more of those changing expressions for him to see. ]
It's on the card. I should know.
no subject
It's ... playing around with the semen. You can put it on you, in your mouth, you can kiss each other with it... It's all about just doing things with the leftover semen.
[ And that was why he said it was not something to worry about. Till would have to reach the point of letting people do that to him, not to mention wanting to do things even more gross than just kissing was. If there was someone out there who could get him to do that, they were more powerful than Ivan was. ]
no subject
His card is pulled out of his pocket once again, and this time it isn't offered to Ivan. Instead, he begins to tear it up into pieces. It won't make it vanish; a copy exists in his watch, but there is some satisfaction to be had. Once he is done. Once he can no longer tear it into even smaller pieces, Till flops on the bed before throwing the bits of card up into the air. They come down like confetti on him. ]
You wouldn't do that, right?
no subject
I don't know was a good answer, wasn't it? It could be yes. It could be no. It could be 'this place is forcing us to do things under duress'. The sky was the limit when it came to this answer and the level of coersion it took. ]
It depends on who it's with.
no subject
[ The suspiciously long silent pause that came before Ivan’s reply was vocalized cause him to consider that the answer is something other than no. No is a short simple reply. All it took is committing to the idea that participating in something so disgusting is unappealing. That there is no reason to even entertain any thoughts of doing something so vulgar. Ivan does not look like the type. He is handsome. But in the end, Till knows better than to be fooled by good looks alone.
When the reply comes, he can’t help scoff. There it is. And if it depends on the who the should he assume Ivan already has someone in mind? He has been here long enough to have met some people. Maybe he found someone after all and that means he is already that far behind. ]
Then you have your someone.
Should I leave so you can find them and to do whatever?
no subject
What does that have to do with a person? I've licked your blood before. I'm willing to attempt anything once and give it a personal opinion.
Or are you telling me to go and find someone who would do that?
[ He probably could, but what would be the point of him doing it? It wasn't on his card. He had to worry about his own asks and how he was going to approach anyone for things like these. Till's scoff was what really caught his attention. The more he tried to think of what occurred and what he did wrong. Was he not supposed to be honest about trying it?
Trying to navigate Till's moods was tiring. ]
You've worn the perverted clothes before. Why don't you go to them and do it again? It's an easy clear. [ His voice sounded as monotone and flippant as always. It was hard to know what he felt about it one way or another. ]
no subject
Let you lick...?
[ Their blood? Semen? What?
He doesn't linger long on the thought, so there is no opportunity to consider any other bodily fluid that Ivan may decide he wants to have a taste of. Instead, a reminder of the clothes he wore is brought back. He thought it was meaningless since Ivan didn't comment on it earlier. They were clothes, yes, not adequate for anything, as far as he knows. It was part of a getup forced on him-a performance costume. ]
I don't want to do that.
Or if you think it is so easy, should I try touching lips with them too?
no subject
This isn't going to be like The Garden. You aren't going to be restrained and left alone if you disobey.
[ Till was always like this. He was rebellious and hard to control. It was both his best and worst trait. If Ivan could take him away from having to do these things, he would, but he couldn't.
It did make him wonder. Would there be some new vision of hope that Till throws his heart at this time? ]
If it bothers you so much, find a way around the parts you don't like. If you find someone to your tastes, then it will be fine, right?
no subject
Turning on his side, he reaches out for Ivan's sleeve, his fingers brush against the fabric. Before he grabs on, he pulls his hand back.
Is that what Ivan wants to do then? He wants to chase an opinion. Would he do something so vulgar to find his thoughts about an act? Would he also put his tongue on someone else's blood? That's the part about Ivan that he dislikes, his peculiar and incomprehensible actions. Would someone else accept it? If he understood him better. Splaying himself on his back, looking up at the ceiling, he gets an arm around himself. If it's blood. Digging his nails into his arm, into his skin, trying to draw it out. ]
I'm not an idiot. I know this is not Anakt Garden.
[ Or maybe he is an idiot because of what he is doing. ]
Is that how you're doing it?
no subject
I don't have to do it that way--
[ Closing his eyes and taking a breath, Ivan attempts to recenter himself before he looked at Till again. It does not help when he notices the way Till was holding himself, digging into his arm. Ivan paused, slowly blinking and taking in what he was looking at.
He still couldn't comprehend Till at all. ]
What are you doing?
[ His usual monotone was audibly soft and breathy. It was a question with no edges or power. What is this idiot doing? Why was it coming from something Till himself asked Ivan to answer for him? Why did it matter how he was going to do it? ]
no subject
However, this ultimately confirms for Till that Ivan already has someone in mind. There is someone. That he is here only to compare cards, and maybe Ivan is right. He cannot do this. He cannot be like Ivan and go out there to seek a someone for himself. He does wish he could close his eyes and wake with his card complete. Even if he comes out of it in a haze.
Fine. He knew already anyway. He is trash.
But maybe Ivan can do all that. Perhaps he can complete the acts, get through playing the game, collect the cards, and fulfill all the requirements. Would he leave him again then? He has nothing to give here, nothing to offer, and his blood is nothing new. He is nothing but an idiot. ]
Nothing.
[ They compared cards. He knows how to find Ivan's room. They've done everything they set out to do today. He should stop imposing on Ivan's time and space. He should reject that hollow feeling that comes with separation. It was never there before. Before he became entirely alone. He sits up and looks toward the cabin's door. ]
I'll send you my door number later.
no subject
He had to force it, raising his brows to give Till a casual look of curiosity. If he was going to send him his door number, that must mean he intended to leave. It probably would have been for the best. If they hope to make it for the long run, they had to find ways to be comfortable with the things they had to do here.
It was easier when it was just singing. ]
Alright, I'll note it in the watch when you do. Does that mean you're leaving?
no subject
[ From the moment they exchanged cards and brushed upon that subject, he lost track of how to proceed. Or was it when he tried to draw the attention in a way he thought would not fail? He touches his arm, his fingers brushing over the self-inflicted scratches, biting his lower lip. Till lowers his gaze to the floor. How many times can he think of himself as an idiot? Endlessly, probably.
He gets up, his intention obviously to head toward the door. If Ivan wants to complete the card, he needs space and time, and he doesn't need Till hovering around. Determined to go, he had already made up his mind not to share his cabin number after all. It would make him a liar, but is that worse than being an idiot? ]
no subject
Till thought it was best, so Ivan didn't say anything. He kept his hands to himself and looked away, giving Till the space to leave if he wanted to. Honestly, he didn't have to stay in either if he didn't want to. Ivan could go out and meet people or get a head start on his card, but all of that felt empty to him at the moment.
When faced with Till's back, he did his best to calmly plan what to do with his alone time. The icy blank expression he wore didn't stop the first tear from rolling down his face, Ivan seemingly not paying enough attention to realize that the wealth of compressed emotions swirling within him were springing for freedom. ]
no subject
It has to be done. They both agreed.
It doesn't make it any less repulsive. Yet, isn't Ivan suggesting he go out there and find his way? They already agreed it has to be done. Well, more like Ivan has zero faith in him. But maybe Ivan is right. Perhaps he feels like he is struggling. He won't drag it on. He will go. He will return to his room and contemplate what he is doing. And what he will do. ]