[ Without an explanation after rejecting the idea that Ivan proposed for him, what is he supposed to think? Should he desperately search everyone for someone? Someone who suits his tastes? His type, as they say here? Yet Ivan says he doesn't have to go that far? He doesn't have to make the effort. Because Ivan will satisfy that requirement with anyone? Because he can? Because he has all those qualities that people like? Till recalls all the presents handed to him meant for Ivan.
However, this ultimately confirms for Till that Ivan already has someone in mind. There is someone. That he is here only to compare cards, and maybe Ivan is right. He cannot do this. He cannot be like Ivan and go out there to seek a someone for himself. He does wish he could close his eyes and wake with his card complete. Even if he comes out of it in a haze.
Fine. He knew already anyway. He is trash.
But maybe Ivan can do all that. Perhaps he can complete the acts, get through playing the game, collect the cards, and fulfill all the requirements. Would he leave him again then? He has nothing to give here, nothing to offer, and his blood is nothing new. He is nothing but an idiot. ]
Nothing.
[ They compared cards. He knows how to find Ivan's room. They've done everything they set out to do today. He should stop imposing on Ivan's time and space. He should reject that hollow feeling that comes with separation. It was never there before. Before he became entirely alone. He sits up and looks toward the cabin's door. ]
[ Ivan was in the process of reaching out, his hand nearly close enough to brush Till's arm before he had to draw it back. He watches Till sit up, Ivan resting his hand in his lap instead. Why was it always like this? He could feel a familiar pressure building up behind his eyes. A pain that was like having a pick shoved between his brows.
He had to force it, raising his brows to give Till a casual look of curiosity. If he was going to send him his door number, that must mean he intended to leave. It probably would have been for the best. If they hope to make it for the long run, they had to find ways to be comfortable with the things they had to do here.
It was easier when it was just singing. ]
Alright, I'll note it in the watch when you do. Does that mean you're leaving?
[ From the moment they exchanged cards and brushed upon that subject, he lost track of how to proceed. Or was it when he tried to draw the attention in a way he thought would not fail? He touches his arm, his fingers brushing over the self-inflicted scratches, biting his lower lip. Till lowers his gaze to the floor. How many times can he think of himself as an idiot? Endlessly, probably.
He gets up, his intention obviously to head toward the door. If Ivan wants to complete the card, he needs space and time, and he doesn't need Till hovering around. Determined to go, he had already made up his mind not to share his cabin number after all. It would make him a liar, but is that worse than being an idiot? ]
[ Ivan wanted nothing more than to reach out for him. He could hold him down and lick his arm. If he curled up on top of him, would he stay in place or hit him? Was there any recourse for this when he was so unsure of how everything soured so fast?
Till thought it was best, so Ivan didn't say anything. He kept his hands to himself and looked away, giving Till the space to leave if he wanted to. Honestly, he didn't have to stay in either if he didn't want to. Ivan could go out and meet people or get a head start on his card, but all of that felt empty to him at the moment.
When faced with Till's back, he did his best to calmly plan what to do with his alone time. The icy blank expression he wore didn't stop the first tear from rolling down his face, Ivan seemingly not paying enough attention to realize that the wealth of compressed emotions swirling within him were springing for freedom. ]
[ He should leave. Everything is unraveling fast. If he lingers much longer, he knows they would only disagree further, and while now he doubts they would get into a petty physical fight like when they were young, somehow this was uglier. Open wounds, painful injuries, and throbbing bruises turn out to be preferred over whatever it is he feels. It's heavy and ugly. Has Ivan always been this annoying? It makes him feel nauseous, sick in a way that reminds him of a heavy dosage. He does not know how to mend this. What had gone wrong?
It has to be done. They both agreed.
It doesn't make it any less repulsive. Yet, isn't Ivan suggesting he go out there and find his way? They already agreed it has to be done. Well, more like Ivan has zero faith in him. But maybe Ivan is right. Perhaps he feels like he is struggling. He won't drag it on. He will go. He will return to his room and contemplate what he is doing. And what he will do. ]
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no subject
However, this ultimately confirms for Till that Ivan already has someone in mind. There is someone. That he is here only to compare cards, and maybe Ivan is right. He cannot do this. He cannot be like Ivan and go out there to seek a someone for himself. He does wish he could close his eyes and wake with his card complete. Even if he comes out of it in a haze.
Fine. He knew already anyway. He is trash.
But maybe Ivan can do all that. Perhaps he can complete the acts, get through playing the game, collect the cards, and fulfill all the requirements. Would he leave him again then? He has nothing to give here, nothing to offer, and his blood is nothing new. He is nothing but an idiot. ]
Nothing.
[ They compared cards. He knows how to find Ivan's room. They've done everything they set out to do today. He should stop imposing on Ivan's time and space. He should reject that hollow feeling that comes with separation. It was never there before. Before he became entirely alone. He sits up and looks toward the cabin's door. ]
I'll send you my door number later.
no subject
He had to force it, raising his brows to give Till a casual look of curiosity. If he was going to send him his door number, that must mean he intended to leave. It probably would have been for the best. If they hope to make it for the long run, they had to find ways to be comfortable with the things they had to do here.
It was easier when it was just singing. ]
Alright, I'll note it in the watch when you do. Does that mean you're leaving?
no subject
[ From the moment they exchanged cards and brushed upon that subject, he lost track of how to proceed. Or was it when he tried to draw the attention in a way he thought would not fail? He touches his arm, his fingers brushing over the self-inflicted scratches, biting his lower lip. Till lowers his gaze to the floor. How many times can he think of himself as an idiot? Endlessly, probably.
He gets up, his intention obviously to head toward the door. If Ivan wants to complete the card, he needs space and time, and he doesn't need Till hovering around. Determined to go, he had already made up his mind not to share his cabin number after all. It would make him a liar, but is that worse than being an idiot? ]
no subject
Till thought it was best, so Ivan didn't say anything. He kept his hands to himself and looked away, giving Till the space to leave if he wanted to. Honestly, he didn't have to stay in either if he didn't want to. Ivan could go out and meet people or get a head start on his card, but all of that felt empty to him at the moment.
When faced with Till's back, he did his best to calmly plan what to do with his alone time. The icy blank expression he wore didn't stop the first tear from rolling down his face, Ivan seemingly not paying enough attention to realize that the wealth of compressed emotions swirling within him were springing for freedom. ]
no subject
It has to be done. They both agreed.
It doesn't make it any less repulsive. Yet, isn't Ivan suggesting he go out there and find his way? They already agreed it has to be done. Well, more like Ivan has zero faith in him. But maybe Ivan is right. Perhaps he feels like he is struggling. He won't drag it on. He will go. He will return to his room and contemplate what he is doing. And what he will do. ]