Why are you asking if you aren't intending to come to my room?
[ Till did confuse him more often than not. It had been some time since they were able to talk to each other like this. Something inside Ivan almost felt calmed by Till's inquisitiveness, which motivated his foolish questions. Maybe that was why the last statement caused a pain to embed itself in his chest. ]
That thing that was not so gross but confusing instead. What had all that been for? Then again, they had no prior knowledge about touching lips—kissing. Ivan had whined about doing stuff like that before. With him. There were others in Anakt Garden. There are others here. And he is essentially telling him to do that with other people. ]
Stand in the hallway and I'll show you. It's difficult to explain.
[ It wasn't that difficult to explain, but he did realize that trying to say where the room was other than 'next to yours' was confusing and based entirely on landmarks. It was easier to get up and walk to the door and just hold it ajar while he continues responding. ]
I think you already know I'm not bothered by having to do kissing.
it's just a damn number why can't you just tell it to me how does me going outside into the hallway help
[ He may complain and whine but in the end he does comply. He gets up from the floor and trudges his way to the door, making sure to drag his feet along in a display of annoyance for no one to see or hear. There! He is outside in the hallway! ]
[ He shakes his head, forgoing the typed out response when he sees Till come out of his room just as annoyed as he figured he would be. Ivan leans his head against the door, lifting his hand to give him a wiggly fingered greeting. ]
I'm not going to kiss anyone, I'm just not afraid of having to.
[ The comforting familiarity of Ivan's voice prompts an immediate response out of him, even though his attention is on the watch, waiting for a typed message. It takes him a second to realize Ivan is near. Another second to look up. His frown deepens as he starts to process this. He could have gotten a room number. But instead, he gets to find out like this. Because this is not a coincidence?
This asshole knew all along! He knew they were next door to each other! Backtracking into his room, he disappears briefly into his quarters before he is back. His fist is closed around some vouchers, and that very fist is used to strike Ivan's shoulder. That's what he deserves for all that! ]
I am not afraid of it either!
[ It's more like, the idea makes him feel queasy?
Time to shove his way into Ivan's room, rather than entering like a normal person. ]
[ Ivan doesn't stop him from entering. The door is opened for him and then shut behind him. He could imagine this becoming more common. They would hang out in one room or another in the quiet company they usually enjoy from each other.
Stepping in further to the room after Till, Ivan tilted his head. ]
Do you think I shouldn't? I already know you think it's gross.
[ The dark haired man turns his head to look at a wall instead of Till, considering this. Till may think it's gross, but Ivan's already crossed that line with him. It was supposed to be his goodbye, but how they were standing in each other's company once more. He wasn't supposed to have to answer for his actions, and now he just has to attempt to avoid the subject, or at the very least the answer to the question it would bring up. ]
[ Rather than immediately facing Ivan, he distracts himself studying the layout of Ivan's room. They're the same rank. There shouldn't be any stark differences between their rooms. Technically, that is. He has not forgotten the glaringly obvious differential treatments they received in the same position as pet humans. ]
It's—
[ More confusing than gross. Not an innate desire? Curiosity tempts him to reexperience that moment. The aftermath makes him fear it. ]
You're asking me? You'll do what you want anyway.
[ Rather than check the view through Ivan's window, he turns slightly, not all the way facing him but enough that he can take in his image from the corner of his eyes. ] Do what exactly? [ He feels like he knows what it is. He should have expected Ivan to know already. Of course. He lowers his voice. ] Mating?
[ Ivan has not altered his room in any way, so it should be the same as Till, he thinks. He never has a need for much. The way he was pampered as a pet was purely Unsha's work and desire.
The way Till was asking made Ivan wonder if he's ever noticed what he did and didn't do. He would expect the man lived in his own world so much that it would be a miracle if he could recall most of what Ivan did even during the Alien Stage. Now they stood in an environment where not only did they not have to deal with expectations placed on them as pets, but also no guardians to control them either. Everything they did from how one was going to be free. Mostly. ]
You've been here longer. I wanted to see what your experience has been.
[ Instead of answering anything about himself, he decides to move on and address what Till's been doing or feeling instead. ]
[ In comparison to some of the other people he has spoken to. It's hardly anything to consider, especially when he has spent the majority of his time in his room. Yes, he does venture out. Eating is a necessity. Yes, he speaks to people, but that watch makes it all too convenient for him. It means avoiding face-to-face interactions. There are some people he likes because they are good, and friendly, and gentle, like Hiyori and Reira-chan. Then there are the weird and confusing bunch, and some he doesn't know how to place due to his negative perception of anything not human (too close to segyein).
He can relay everything he has learned however, he isn't that much of an asshole to leave Ivan completely in the dark. Although it seems he already has an idea of what this place is about, if he is asking about doing it. ]
But I can tell you what I know. Or what you need to know. What do you want to know?
[ That may have been a lie, but it wasn't what he wanted to know from Till. If he needed to know about those things, he had a huge book sitting on the table that was begging to be read. It would sit there for a few more days before he begins considering the contents. No, he specifically wanted to know about Till, but this turn out was fine, too. ]
If I have to do it, I'll figure it out when it happens. I just wondered if you had done it.
The whole notion feels strangely foreign to him, considering it serves no purpose. There is no end goal aside from participating in a game that involves collecting cards in the most convoluted way. They are mating, but there are no products. It's a relief, really; he wouldn't want that to happen! After some consideration, he has to admit this is not the worst situation he could be in, but it's awful enough. Weird. It's for entertainment. But they're human.
Then why does Ivan want to know that? Does he want to know his experience with the act? ] Everyone has to do it! [ And of course, he delivers a none answer. ]
Why are you deflecting? The answer hardly matters. Like you said, everyone has to do it.
[ He closes his eyes, walking past Till to sit on the bed. He was used to this feeling. This ignorance. The deflecting within the unseen whirlpool of emotions between them. Was it really so embarrassing to admit you might have participated in mating? It's what they were there for.
When his eyes open, he looks at Till, leaning back in his bed while observing the way he looked now. It helped him ignore the dull feeling scratching at him behind his ears.]
Don't worry about it. We can talk about something else.
[ Because it's embarrassing and humiliating to talk about stuff like that! They were never meant to go through that process. They were idols, meant only to perform. They were meant to entertain. To be used until whatever outcomes awaited them. Well. At least, there was an ending. Not a tidy conclusion. It was a mess; he was left behind with that unfading image.
Suppose he could make that memory a blur; it would be an improvement over confusion. If he could make it a haze, then he wouldn't have to think about it. ]
I haven't done it!
But I know I have to do it soon.
[ He should hit Ivan again! It would be well deserved! And he feels safe in the knowledge that Ivan is in perfect health. As far as he knows, there haven't been any detrimental effects lingering after what happened. Slowly, he takes the few steps needed to reach Ivan, he raises his hand to strike him, but drops it, making a frustrated sound. ]
I wasn't worried about it! [ He was ignoring it! ]
[ Ivan watched as Till approached with his hand raised. When the hit doesn't come, he raises a brow. He wasn't aiming to be met with violence, but it was curious about Till's wavering emotions. ]
You're talking about it a lot. Am I the reason you're having so many problems thinking about things like that?
[ Usually, Ivan preferred the background. He would quietly follow Till everywhere and fit himself in whatever the other man was doing. This was not something he felt he could find a place to put himself because of the clearly intimate nature of what was being asked of them, but that hasn't stopped him from noticing how Till locked up and dwelled on the subject much harder than he usually did anything else. ]
If you need to talk about why this is bothering you so much, I can listen to you.
You brought it up! Are you going to ignore that part?
[ Essentially, yes, Ivan is partially the reason why he is having so many problems dealing with that act. Although without a doubt, he would have struggled on his own. Perhaps it is childish to find the whole process gross, even more so to ignore it in favor of anything else. He wants something different than a forced, manufactured intimacy. He was chasing warmth that felt strangely nostalgic, yet it wasn't meant for him. He can call for it, hope for it, sing for salvation, but it would not come. ]
I don't think I can do it.
It's too strange. It's ugly. But if I wait too long, it happens anyway.
[ Ivan pushed himself to sit up and lean forward, looking up at Till from their new proximity. He didn't miss that, just as he said, Till did ignore the part where Ivan asked him if it was his fault. The space where he hid the truth was always Ivan's. ]
If you're looking for a solution, my advice is to find someone you think is pretty and ask, or maybe a friend you don't mind. Otherwise, you don't have to think about it around me.
You have to do it anyway, so do your best to prepare and then put it out of your mind.
I read what you wrote. That stuff. Before we left Anakt Garden.
[ Even if his dishonest words don't convey the truth, his expressions always reveal it all. Blame cannot be entirely laid at Ivan's feet. His own experiences make the entire notion difficult. Although that parting kiss still lingers, becoming a hurdle, it's not one he plans ever to cross. That is something between them. Only them. ]
Is that what you will do?
It's not that I spend all my time thinking about it. There is other stuff. I don't think about it at all. [ Until he has to. Mostly because it's a common topic. ]
No, I'm going to deal with it when it comes up. I don't care who it's going to be with.
[ That wasn't entirely true, but he has already decided that this was going to be the way it's going to be. Thinking about impossibilities didn't suit him. He was brought here to play a game, so he would play. This was what he needed to do in order to survive.
And truly, hearing that Till did read what he wrote and then ignored it was just like Till. No matter how much it knotted inside him, that was how Till was. ]
Sometimes you should ignore it, but this isn't something you want to ignore because it's been bothering you, right?
[ His thin eyebrows shoot up in surprise. It doesn't matter who it is? Not to Ivan? Then why was he suggesting that Till choose a person he thinks is pretty or turn toward a friend? If it doesn't matter, then as long as the objective is fulfilled and he collects a card, it should be fine. It can be anyone. He can open the door right now and pick the next person.
That's what he should do.
And what he can't do.
How does everyone do this? Well, Hiyori has his partner, and that one guy told him to do the same. Find someone to be consistent with. In that case, maybe even if it feels impossible, he should take the same approach. ] I'll do the same then. I'll deal with it when it comes up. And I won't care who it is.
[ That should conclude the conversation on that topic. They can move on to other things. Of course, he won't direct them to a conversation they should have. ] Do you know about the food vouchers?
[ It was okay for Ivan to do something like that, but Till couldn't. Till shouldn't. There was no part of him that thought Till could do something like that. Till was romantic and he was loyal to his emotions. Ivan was used to shutting himself off in order to do what needed to be done. Till was not the same.
Yet, he let it go, blinking once and then looking at the pieces of paper Till punched him with earlier. ]
[ Future Till will have to deal with that mess, present Till is going to continue to ignore the inevitable. He does not have to think about it, so he won't. Instead, he will fret about it later when he is alone in his room—nothing he hasn't done before, although not necessarily about that particular subject. There are plenty of other thoughts haunting him. More like a plague before Ivan's apparent revival. It's all still that same red hue.
Looking at Ivan, down at him, maybe for a brief instance, he attempted to hold his gaze. That is, until he decides that trying to glean the color of eyes he knows is not relevant to the whole vouchers are traded for food chat. So, rather than the focus on Ivan, he is going to tear the voucher booklet in half. Give him a moment. That takes some effort.
Finally, he hands over half his vouchers. He doesn't need that many. Mostly, he picks at his food, scoops it around after he's had a taste. ] Everything here you have to trade for. They don't usually just give us food. Or clothes. Or much of anything. These papers can be traded for food. There are some for clothes too.
[ Ivan held his half of the booklet up, looking it over and then looking to Till. After the explanation, Ivan passes him back the half that he gave him. The explanation made sense. It worked like payment then. If either of them were going to need that, it was going to be Till. ]
If that's the case, you should take this back.
[ Between the two of them, Till was going to have far more issues with intimacy than Ivan would. He already found himself divorced from most physical and emotional desires. There was also his past that gave him more knowledge of how to make do with little. It wasn't a way he preferred to live, but it was also the best way to motivate himself into action. ]
You'll need it when you fail to do things with someone.
[ The vouchers are extended back to him, but Till does not reach out to take them. He came here intending to share his vouchers with Ivan (along with finding out what room was assigned to him). Looking at the vouchers, his gaze flickers to Ivan's face in a failed attempt to read his expression. He wants to understand why his aid isn't accepted. He doesn't want anything in return. Much like he received help in settling in, he is trying to emulate what others have done for him.
He is trying to be nice. He is attempting to reforge a connection that he wonders if was tenuous at best. It was something entirely incomprehensible. Pet humans should be able to get along and should be able to connect. Was there something wrong with him?
Ivan's words are a slap to the face. His tentative approach comes to an end. The desire to bond with and understand Ivan is set aside. Anger replaces uncertainty. That conversation had ended. They have already settled on a conclusion, so why bring that back up? It's easier to fall back into old habits and forget progress. Now would be a good time to evade Till's fist; this time, he won't hesitate. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ Till did confuse him more often than not. It had been some time since they were able to talk to each other like this. Something inside Ivan almost felt calmed by Till's inquisitiveness, which motivated his foolish questions. Maybe that was why the last statement caused a pain to embed itself in his chest. ]
Should I? I guess I could accomplish that.
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[ Even if he has to do that one thing!
That thing that was not so gross but confusing instead. What had all that been for? Then again, they had no prior knowledge about touching lips—kissing. Ivan had whined about doing stuff like that before. With him. There were others in Anakt Garden. There are others here. And he is essentially telling him to do that with other people. ]
you'll have to to do kissing.
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[ It wasn't that difficult to explain, but he did realize that trying to say where the room was other than 'next to yours' was confusing and based entirely on landmarks. It was easier to get up and walk to the door and just hold it ajar while he continues responding. ]
I think you already know I'm not bothered by having to do kissing.
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why can't you just tell it to me
how does me going outside into the hallway help
[ He may complain and whine but in the end he does comply. He gets up from the floor and trudges his way to the door, making sure to drag his feet along in a display of annoyance for no one to see or hear. There! He is outside in the hallway! ]
you're going to kiss everyone here?
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[ He shakes his head, forgoing the typed out response when he sees Till come out of his room just as annoyed as he figured he would be. Ivan leans his head against the door, lifting his hand to give him a wiggly fingered greeting. ]
I'm not going to kiss anyone, I'm just not afraid of having to.
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[ The
comfortingfamiliarity of Ivan's voice prompts an immediate response out of him, even though his attention is on the watch, waiting for a typed message. It takes him a second to realize Ivan is near. Another second to look up. His frown deepens as he starts to process this. He could have gotten a room number. But instead, he gets to find out like this. Because this is not a coincidence?This asshole knew all along! He knew they were next door to each other! Backtracking into his room, he disappears briefly into his quarters before he is back. His fist is closed around some vouchers, and that very fist is used to strike Ivan's shoulder. That's what he deserves for all that! ]
I am not afraid of it either!
[ It's more like, the idea makes him feel queasy?
Time to shove his way into Ivan's room, rather than entering like a normal person. ]
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Stepping in further to the room after Till, Ivan tilted his head. ]
Do you think I shouldn't? I already know you think it's gross.
[ The dark haired man turns his head to look at a wall instead of Till, considering this. Till may think it's gross, but Ivan's already crossed that line with him. It was supposed to be his goodbye, but how they were standing in each other's company once more. He wasn't supposed to have to answer for his actions, and now he just has to attempt to avoid the subject, or at the very least the answer to the question it would bring up. ]
Can't I do it without kissing? Have you had to?
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It's—
[ More confusing than gross. Not an innate desire? Curiosity tempts him to reexperience that moment. The aftermath makes him fear it. ]
You're asking me? You'll do what you want anyway.
[ Rather than check the view through Ivan's window, he turns slightly, not all the way facing him but enough that he can take in his image from the corner of his eyes. ] Do what exactly? [ He feels like he knows what it is. He should have expected Ivan to know already. Of course. He lowers his voice. ] Mating?
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The way Till was asking made Ivan wonder if he's ever noticed what he did and didn't do. He would expect the man lived in his own world so much that it would be a miracle if he could recall most of what Ivan did even during the Alien Stage. Now they stood in an environment where not only did they not have to deal with expectations placed on them as pets, but also no guardians to control them either. Everything they did from how one was going to be free. Mostly. ]
You've been here longer. I wanted to see what your experience has been.
[ Instead of answering anything about himself, he decides to move on and address what Till's been doing or feeling instead. ]
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[ In comparison to some of the other people he has spoken to. It's hardly anything to consider, especially when he has spent the majority of his time in his room. Yes, he does venture out. Eating is a necessity. Yes, he speaks to people, but that watch makes it all too convenient for him. It means avoiding face-to-face interactions. There are some people he likes because they are good, and friendly, and gentle, like Hiyori and Reira-chan. Then there are the weird and confusing bunch, and some he doesn't know how to place due to his negative perception of anything not human (too close to segyein).
He can relay everything he has learned however, he isn't that much of an asshole to leave Ivan completely in the dark. Although it seems he already has an idea of what this place is about, if he is asking about doing it. ]
But I can tell you what I know. Or what you need to know. What do you want to know?
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[ That may have been a lie, but it wasn't what he wanted to know from Till. If he needed to know about those things, he had a huge book sitting on the table that was begging to be read. It would sit there for a few more days before he begins considering the contents. No, he specifically wanted to know about Till, but this turn out was fine, too. ]
If I have to do it, I'll figure it out when it happens. I just wondered if you had done it.
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The whole notion feels strangely foreign to him, considering it serves no purpose. There is no end goal aside from participating in a game that involves collecting cards in the most convoluted way. They are mating, but there are no products. It's a relief, really; he wouldn't want that to happen! After some consideration, he has to admit this is not the worst situation he could be in, but it's awful enough. Weird. It's for entertainment. But they're human.
Then why does Ivan want to know that? Does he want to know his experience with the act? ] Everyone has to do it! [ And of course, he delivers a none answer. ]
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[ He closes his eyes, walking past Till to sit on the bed. He was used to this feeling. This ignorance. The deflecting within the unseen whirlpool of emotions between them. Was it really so embarrassing to admit you might have participated in mating? It's what they were there for.
When his eyes open, he looks at Till, leaning back in his bed while observing the way he looked now. It helped him ignore the dull feeling scratching at him behind his ears.]
Don't worry about it. We can talk about something else.
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[ Because it's embarrassing and humiliating to talk about stuff like that! They were never meant to go through that process. They were idols, meant only to perform. They were meant to entertain. To be used until whatever outcomes awaited them. Well. At least, there was an ending. Not a tidy conclusion. It was a mess; he was left behind with that unfading image.
Suppose he could make that memory a blur; it would be an improvement over confusion. If he could make it a haze, then he wouldn't have to think about it. ]
I haven't done it!
But I know I have to do it soon.
[ He should hit Ivan again! It would be well deserved! And he feels safe in the knowledge that Ivan is in perfect health. As far as he knows, there haven't been any detrimental effects lingering after what happened. Slowly, he takes the few steps needed to reach Ivan, he raises his hand to strike him, but drops it, making a frustrated sound. ]
I wasn't worried about it! [ He was ignoring it! ]
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You're talking about it a lot. Am I the reason you're having so many problems thinking about things like that?
[ Usually, Ivan preferred the background. He would quietly follow Till everywhere and fit himself in whatever the other man was doing. This was not something he felt he could find a place to put himself because of the clearly intimate nature of what was being asked of them, but that hasn't stopped him from noticing how Till locked up and dwelled on the subject much harder than he usually did anything else. ]
If you need to talk about why this is bothering you so much, I can listen to you.
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[ Essentially, yes, Ivan is partially the reason why he is having so many problems dealing with that act. Although without a doubt, he would have struggled on his own. Perhaps it is childish to find the whole process gross, even more so to ignore it in favor of anything else. He wants something different than a forced, manufactured intimacy. He was chasing warmth that felt strangely nostalgic, yet it wasn't meant for him. He can call for it, hope for it, sing for salvation, but it would not come. ]
I don't think I can do it.
It's too strange. It's ugly. But if I wait too long, it happens anyway.
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[ Ivan pushed himself to sit up and lean forward, looking up at Till from their new proximity. He didn't miss that, just as he said, Till did ignore the part where Ivan asked him if it was his fault. The space where he hid the truth was always Ivan's. ]
If you're looking for a solution, my advice is to find someone you think is pretty and ask, or maybe a friend you don't mind. Otherwise, you don't have to think about it around me.
You have to do it anyway, so do your best to prepare and then put it out of your mind.
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I read what you wrote. That stuff. Before we left Anakt Garden.
[ Even if his dishonest words don't convey the truth, his expressions always reveal it all. Blame cannot be entirely laid at Ivan's feet. His own experiences make the entire notion difficult. Although that parting kiss still lingers, becoming a hurdle, it's not one he plans ever to cross. That is something between them. Only them. ]
Is that what you will do?
It's not that I spend all my time thinking about it. There is other stuff. I don't think about it at all. [ Until he has to. Mostly because it's a common topic. ]
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[ That wasn't entirely true, but he has already decided that this was going to be the way it's going to be. Thinking about impossibilities didn't suit him. He was brought here to play a game, so he would play. This was what he needed to do in order to survive.
And truly, hearing that Till did read what he wrote and then ignored it was just like Till. No matter how much it knotted inside him, that was how Till was. ]
Sometimes you should ignore it, but this isn't something you want to ignore because it's been bothering you, right?
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That's what he should do.
And what he can't do.
How does everyone do this? Well, Hiyori has his partner, and that one guy told him to do the same. Find someone to be consistent with. In that case, maybe even if it feels impossible, he should take the same approach. ] I'll do the same then. I'll deal with it when it comes up. And I won't care who it is.
[ That should conclude the conversation on that topic. They can move on to other things. Of course, he won't direct them to a conversation they should have. ] Do you know about the food vouchers?
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Yet, he let it go, blinking once and then looking at the pieces of paper Till punched him with earlier. ]
I don't. You should explain them to me.
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Looking at Ivan, down at him, maybe for a brief instance, he attempted to hold his gaze. That is, until he decides that trying to glean the color of eyes he knows is not relevant to the whole vouchers are traded for food chat. So, rather than the focus on Ivan, he is going to tear the voucher booklet in half. Give him a moment. That takes some effort.
Finally, he hands over half his vouchers. He doesn't need that many. Mostly, he picks at his food, scoops it around after he's had a taste. ] Everything here you have to trade for. They don't usually just give us food. Or clothes. Or much of anything. These papers can be traded for food. There are some for clothes too.
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If that's the case, you should take this back.
[ Between the two of them, Till was going to have far more issues with intimacy than Ivan would. He already found himself divorced from most physical and emotional desires. There was also his past that gave him more knowledge of how to make do with little. It wasn't a way he preferred to live, but it was also the best way to motivate himself into action. ]
You'll need it when you fail to do things with someone.
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He is trying to be nice. He is attempting to reforge a connection that he wonders if was tenuous at best. It was something entirely incomprehensible. Pet humans should be able to get along and should be able to connect. Was there something wrong with him?
Ivan's words are a slap to the face. His tentative approach comes to an end. The desire to bond with and understand Ivan is set aside. Anger replaces uncertainty. That conversation had ended. They have already settled on a conclusion, so why bring that back up? It's easier to fall back into old habits and forget progress. Now would be a good time to evade Till's fist; this time, he won't hesitate. ]
Fuck you. I'm not going to fail!
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